‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Teach Sex: What nobody tells you about sleeping with virgin men
"First thing: just make sure you’re ready to do all the work."
The woman in this week’s episode of Women Teach Sex by Pulse takes the podium and speaks for all women on the unspoken struggles of getting down with inexperienced men, virgins particularly.
What was your introduction to sex like?
I started being aware of my sexuality when I started reading all these romance erotica novels. You know all them Harlequin and Mills & Boon nonsense. I shouldn’t be caught dead reading them but then they were like the holy grail to me. My parents eventually caught me reading one once just as I was about to start wanking. They beat me anyhow.
Eiya. Sorry. How about your first time having sex?
It was with this dude I met on Twitter. I don’t even know why I replied to him that day he slid into my dms. I just did. He was texting me about this tweet but that was just an excuse because the tweet was about some rubbish. Sha sha, we started talking but we only talked for like five seconds because it didn’t even take time for us to start sexting. Then, before you knew it, he said he could book a hotel room for us and we could go have sex. I was nervous small but not too much because I had a primary understanding of men at this time having had like 3 “boyfriends.” I met him up at a hotel in Surulere and we had sex. I remember him being genuinely confused that I was bleeding sha because I never told him I was a virgin but I never told him I wasn’t either. Also I guess all my skills in kissing and oral sex had him confused.
What were your expectations?
I expected to have an orgasm but I didn’t. He came like thrice though. I didn't even know I should be annoyed then because it was my first time. Also, I expected riding in the cowgirl position to be easier but it was so hard. Kai! I guess I’m not athletic enough lmao.
So it’s safe to say the cowgirl is not your fave position
Ironically I still really like the cowgirl position because I like being in control and all. Add backshots and the type of missionary where my legs are on the guy’s shoulders and we’re good.
I feel you. So what’s your sex life like these days?
Nowadays, I’m so busy with work and school that I don’t even have sex as often as I used to.Maybe like once a week or on some really busy months, once every two weeks. But during #EndSARS protests nothing like that sha, because na wey dey alive dey fok.
LMAO. Dfkm. Let’s talk about experience. Which do you prefer: the man being more experienced or the woman? Or maybe both of them bringing the same level of expertise to the table?
I find myself being more experienced a lot of times because I fuck with mostly college/university boys and they don’t have as much sex as they’d like you to believe. I’m schooling in the US of A, by the way. Those college boys don’t have technique or skill or anything and everyone knows when it comes to sex, practice makes perfect. But I do find that I prefer being more experienced, more dominant. Also because it is easier for everything to go smoothly when I’m in charge. But the rare times I'm with much older men, it’s good too because I don’t have to do so much work and I can usually orgasm.
What has been the most common response of your partners to you liking to be in charge?
I really like this question because it really depends. There are some men I’ve encountered that feel incredibly self conscious and insecure when I start to take charge. They feel like that’s some kind of commentary on their sex skills (which it obviously is, kinda) but taking charge is half the pleasure when it comes to sex for me. Not just the skill or lack thereof of the guy. Then there are some men that just do as I say. I don’t even think they realize it when they do but I bark a command at them and they just jump to do it; no questions asked. As you can guess, those ones are my faves.
Is there a marked difference between how men in America and Nigeria react?
Nigerian men and American men, I’m not really sure. The first few times I had sex was in Nigeria and I was still figuring out what I liked so I never took charge. Until when I came back about a year later (knowing that I liked taking charge) and had sex with two Nigerian guys who felt emasculated. I immediately shut that down then when I went back to school in America, I met some African American men who felt the same insecure way and “less of a man” (which I thought was ridiculous). So I just found the ones I like to be just a little bit more submissive and I stuck with them for a while. One of them was Nigerian-American so I can’t even give your question a straight answer because it’s complex.
You seem to have a thing or two to say about inexperience in men. Ever been with a virgin?
Bro I can’t even shout. I was on my own and this friend of a friend started talking to me. I used to have a lot of Christian friends then so he was one of the choir boys that were in their All University Choir. Guy, that is how he approached me and asked me out. I told him no of course because I don’t like dating all these Christian boys because it’s harder to even be myself around them. But this guy was all over me and I’d see him everywhere so we kinda became friends. I had a dick appointment to go for one time when he was in my house. Na so this guy begin disturb me o, saying I don’t need that when I have him. Can you imagine?? I said what will i do with you? Pray? He now got angry and left but the next day, he basically asked if we could have sex, I knew it was a bad idea but I said yes anyways. Because what? I get coconut head and I’m mad like that.
Did he say beforehand that he was a virgin before it went down?
No he did not!!! I had a feeling. But I said ‘it’s not possible now’ because he was in his 3rd year of uni then and I was in my first year. Next thing, I gave him head and he came in like one minute. I laughed for five minutes but I thought he was just excited. I didn’t want to believe it. We now start having sex: missionary and he didn’t even know how to move and was like What???
What was your first reaction to that realisation?
I was so annoyed because I could have been sleeping with the time I wasted there. But I had to be sensitive so I held his hand all through it and was sensitive to his feelings and whatever. I obviously didn’t orgasm and he kept trying to give me head because he felt guilty that he had only lasted like 5-10 minutes each time. But please I was not interested in wasting more of my time. He sha started crying afterward about how ‘that was so beautiful.’ Oh, please.
Just curious. How long should a round of sex last?
Did this man create any expectations in during the buildup to the act?
I honestly expected to have an orgasm at least because his penis was big. Obviously I didn’t.
What would you tell other women about having sex with virgin men?
Just make sure you’re ready to do all the work and be gentle and don’t get frustrated because everyone’s first time should be good or at least not bad.
I’m keeping an open mind here; would you have sex with another virgin if you knew beforehand?
I mean I did have sex with another virgin and I knew beforehand so yeah I guess.
LMAO. Another one! Do you think maybe you have a magnet that attracts these people or something?
Lmaoo. Definitely yes. I have this aura (especially in social circles) where I’m more direct, aggressive and what some of my past lovers call “powerful.” Especially when I’m interacting with men socially. I’m just more dominant and rough. With women I find myself more gentle and kind. So yeah I think I attract them for sure. Especially the more submissive ones. Even all these alpha male dominant types, they gravitate towards me because lowkey they like dominant women because it challenges them and they’re too “straight” to want to be challenged by another alpha male. At least that’s my experience.
How would you approach sex with an experienced woman if you were an inexperienced man
I would definitely tell her and be open and honest all through and definitely not have any expectations [of getting another chance] afterward.
What’s a lesson you would teach men about sex if you could gather them all in one place?
Bro, go and get a biology chart showing the female genitals and find the clit. Because men stay searching for the clit like gold miners but they never find it. Thats why when women have sex with each other, there is always an orgasm from both parties because we can find the clit easily and honestly, penetrative sex isn’t all that great for women and it’s hard to orgasm from just that so there needs to be clitoral stimualtion but men would rather die.
Tell me the most ignorant/ annoying opinion you’ve heard a man drop about women’s bodies
Hm there are a lot. I hate when men don’t appreciate a woman’s fupa or her hip dips. But I think the most annoying thing is when all these men who have never actually seen a real black woman's vagina or breasts, expect them to look like all those ones that white women have in porn. It’s so dumb.
How would you rate your own sex skills?
16/10. LMAO. But honestly men are so easy. It’s easy to please them honestly. So yeah 9/10 just because I don't swallow.
Wild. Your most embarrassing sex moment?
Probably when I was exceptionally dry and it was like my second time and I didn’t have any lube or oil around and my vagina wasn’t cooperating AT ALL even with oral. I was so annoyed because that just meant penetration would be painful. From then on, I had my special oil on hand any time I had an appointment.
One popular sex act you consider overrated?
69. Rubbish stuff.
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