Women Teach Sex: From him loving sex more to struggling to keep up with me

On this week’s #WomenTeachSex, our subject speaks on a traumatic introduction to sex and how it shaped her sex life for decades. She shares her journey through ignorance and inhibition as well as fear and worry for the future of her sexual relationships, and how she managed to break free into a better approach to sex.

Let’s talk about when you first knew what sex was

I was pretty young actually. I can’t remember when I first came in the contact with the idea per se, but I and a boy were caught pants down in the book storeroom in Primary 2. I nearly died from the beating I got for that occurrence.

Wild

Yeah. Pretty wild. I must have been what, 6 years old? Yeah. I even remember his name was *Franco. At least that was what we used to call him. A classmate saw us, told the teacher and that was how we subscribed to an unlimited supply of trashing.

Sorry. Long shot but did they use it as a teachable moment slash sex education moment?

Lmao. Teachable moment for where? Please abeg. The teacher just flogged us, told the headmistress, who told the proprietor, who called our parents in for a meeting. That actually earned me a few more spanks from my mum. But apart from my parents aggressively asking me “will you do that again?!” like a million times, I don’t think any sex education materialized from that experience. Mind you, this was 1996, 1997-ish. Can’t recall correctly now.

Ah, I see

Yeah. I won’t be surprised if much has not changed on that sex education front to date.

Me neither. But tell me about your sex life currently

Well, I’m married now. Go figure. [Laughter]

I will go out on a limb here and guess... you’re having a blast?

Oh yeah. I am sure having a blast. Can’t say the same for my husband but [more laughter], I surely am having a blast while he is struggling to keep up with me.

I love to see it and I’m happy for you but me I have questions oh

Is that not why we’re here? Shoot.

Good. What did you mean when you suggested that you are having a blast but your husband isn’t

I expected this question. Why I said that is that there was a point when I thought I would suffer through the sex life in my marriage. All through our dating and engagement phase, I was so bothered that I wouldn’t be able to keep up because my man had such a ravenous sexual appetite and he’s so good at it. So even though we were having sex, even though we had great chemistry and the relationship was super nice, I was so bothered that I wouldn’t be able to keep up when we got married, and that thought tormented me for so long. For so, so long.

But if the sex was great before you married, why did you think anything would change after your wedding?

For one, we were not seeing so frequently throughout the relationship. Sometimes once in 2 months, sometimes twice in 3 months. A stolen weekend here, a getaway there. That was how we were because we were both busy and he often had to travel for work. That actually worked fine for me because even though we were seeing each other so infrequently, I still used to struggle with the sex. For the most part, I just used to do it to please him. Now imagine if we were seeing more regularly than that. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to keep up if we were seeing each other very frequently in those 3 years.

You mentioned that the sex was good.

Yes, it was.

Why, then, were you only doing it to please him?

I don’t know to be honest. It just always felt like we were not supposed to be having sex. I am a Christian so maybe that explains a little bit of it. So that made me approach sex with some form of inhibitions no matter the A game he was always on. But I feel it was beyond religious inhibitions.

Oh.

Yeah. I also used to feel inadequate and I’d feel like I was not meeting up to his expectations because I hadn’t had much experience before him. That Primary 2 story I told you earlier played a huge role in that. Add that traumatic experience to religious indoctrination and all the anti-sex moral standards we have in Nigeria and that was me in those days. It didn’t help that he was also more experienced and seemed to know his way around everything and everywhere on my body without failing - ever. So, yeah, I thought I was doomed and that my ineptitude would ruin our sex life which will in turn cause issues in our marriage.

I feel you. How did you guys now go from that to him being unable to keep up?

Hahahaha. Tides changed I guess. We’ve been married for 4 years now, we have two kids… and my inhibitions flew away somewhere along the line and that has done wonders for the way I see and experience sex.

Can you pin the process of losing your inhibition on anything in particular?

Uhm, while this sounds cliche, I think being married helped. And I don’t want to sound like someone propagating the false message that sex is only great in marriage or that marriage improves it. My experience is very personal. So there’s that. Also, I had been reading a lot of stuff before we got married. I think I became a little confident just around the time we tied the knot and most importantly, practice worked very well for me. My husband is very patient and is encouraging even when I know I sucked at some things. He also sent a lot of links which always gave a hint on the kind of stuff he wanted me to do. Oh. let me also mention that there are some great pages on social media. I learnt some techniques during one paid sex-ed session that I found on IG during the lockdown. LOL. That was fun.

It's very obvious.

Hahaha. And I think the more I did all these things, saw the success rates and how amazing our sex life got, and how we are now on the same level, it just made me more confident and always raring to go. Now he is the one always telling me to slow down and relax, because we have a whole lifetime to try out everything and enjoy sex. Although I suspect he’s just being a lazy ass and does not want to admit that he has unleashed something beyond him. Hahahaha.

Very good for you guys

Thanks

Very random but how you rate Nigerian men at sex over 10?

From my limited experience, I’d say 7. Maybe when this man rises to meet me at my newfound level, I’ll adjust that number accordingly. He is the one I’m using to judge all the others.

LMAO. Rate yourself over 10

Me? I am a 9 now oh. And it’s really so exciting. I feel more alive sexually than I have ever been.

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