"I think my girlfriend is cheating, she has refused to have sex with me"

She tells me she's trying to keep away from the past, she doesn't feel comfortable me coming close or even kissing her


Hi Bukky,

My name is Negz. I am 29yrs old. I have been dating this lady for over four years now. We met when I was a third yr student then she was in for pre-degree programme. We had hardly stay without being intimate when I was around and we have done that countless times.

After I left for service although we still make love, the frequency reduced due to long distance. But since the beginning of this year it has really been a different story. She rarely has that urge to have sex with me. She tells me she's trying to keep away from the past. She doesn't feel comfortable me coming close or even kissing her.

Each time I ask she tells me it's because she doesn't want it to lead to sex. I got frustrated and tried looking for how to satisfy my sexual urge by asking some else out which worked out eventually, but I feel bad having sex with this new person.

I feel I am betraying her but keep I wondering if really she still loves me or perhaps screwing someone else and coming up with different excuses.

Although I know she's gone through some difficult times because she has a family where her parents are not really together and things aren't well for her dad. I don't know if her family issues is affecting her affection for me or she's not just interested and doesn't know how to tell me or she's getting it from someone else.

She suspected one day I slept in the other girl's house, called her and began asking questions. After sometime she came around to my place to demand an explanation and left weeping like a kid.

Her actions gets me confused. I really want to know your thoughts on this.



Hello Negz,

I appreciate you sharing your concerns with me.

I want to tell you first that if you equate intimacy to sex then you are getting it all wrong.  Sex is just a part of intimacy and doesn't define the success of a relationship.

From your letter, you started cheating on her when she stopped having sex with you. It means you threw four years out of the door when you decided to seek sexual satisfaction from another girl simply because you stopped getting it from your girlfriend.

So I want to ask you, what will you do if you both were married? Will you replace your wife with someone else because she refused to be physically intimate with you rather than work out a solution to your problem?

Secondly, you do not trust yourself enough that is why you think your girlfriend is cheating on you with someone else because she doesn't have sex with you anymore. You think like this to justify the guilt you feel when you cheat on her.

The question is do you really love and respect her? Are her excuses for not having sex with you valid enough? Has her attitude changed completely towards you despite the lack of physical intimacy?

If you build your relationship on lies and deceit, it'll go down faster than you expect. I'll advise you to have a proper discussion with her, come clean and tell her what you've been up to and what you think about her refusal to have sex with you..

You both should talk things through and decide if you want to have a fresh start in your relationship or call it quits for good.

I wish you all the best.


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