First Love is a weekly series that captures the emotions people felt, and the motions they went through the first time they tried being in a relationship.
The 13th subject on #PulseFirstLove is a 26year old woman whose first relationship came at 23, and almost led to a marriage. But she wasn’t ready then, so she tapped out.
Tell me about the first time you fell in love
Three years ago. It was three years ago.
Ok. Go on.
Well, I had just left uni, came back to Lagos and I and my friends went out one time like that. That was where we met. He moved to me and I thought he was cute so we exchanged numbers and went on a date some time later. That was the beginning.
Hold that thought. Let’s go back to the first time you crushed on anyone
I remember. Secondary school. One fine yellow boy joined our school and every girl wanted so badly to get his attention. Ibo boy. His name was Steve.
Hahaha. Look at that. You still even remember
Yeah. I am kinda good with names. He was a year ahead of me so there was no way that was going to happen. I guess he had his hands full with girls in his class to worry about juniors.
Can you remember the first time a guy wooed you though?
Yeah. One nonsense boy like that that I did not even like. He bought a card on my birthday and asked me to be his girlfriend with his bad handwriting.
Well don’t mind me. I remember weird things.
The card came with one nice biscuit like that. I collected the card, ate the biscuit and said no. Of all the boys in the class, na that one dey toast me. Rubbish.
Sorry. Dun vex
LMAO. Thank you.
Now let’s go back to that guy you met after UNI
How old were you then?
I finished uni just as I clocked 23.
Tell me what became of the love. Did it morph into a relationship?
Oh yes. It did. I mean, I had just left uni then and a relationship finally made sense. Incase you want to ask what I did with my undergraduate days, just the occasional fling here and there. I never felt like doing any relationship thing at the time. But after school, and particularly after meeting him, it just felt right and we actually loved each other. So yeah, we dated.
Tell me about your time together as a couple
I don’t even know what to say apart from the fact that it ended in tears.
That’s the summary
Yes. It ended in tears. But it wasn't because I didn't love him or anything. At least, I am sure I loved him at some point. But I guess I thought I was ready but maybe I wasn’t ready for the level he wanted. First, he was like 7 years older than me. I actually didn’t see that coming when we first met. He is quite smallish in size. I am plus size, always going somewhere between size 12 and 14. So I kinda assumed we were both in the same age range or at least he’d be few years older. But 7? Omo. I didn’t see that coming at all. And in a way, that played a part in us breaking up.
I was already going to ask if the age thing influenced the dynamic of the relationship
Yes nau. Definitely did. So, here I was at 23, dating a guy approaching his 30th. I kinda thought he was like me, that he had a few years to burn because marriage or anything of the sort was not even on my own mind then and he barely used to mention that either. Until like 7 months in, and baba started introducing gist of marriage in the coming year.
I mean. That was my own reaction too at first. I thought he was was just catching cruise because he used to joke a lot - that was actually one of the things I enjoyed most with him, the laughs - but apparently he wasn’t kidding and the thing intensifying
Yeah. Then we started having disagreements, and fights and arguments until it got to a head and he was like we were not going in the same direction something something. We sha broke up after 11 months sha. I wasn’t interested in any stupid marriage at 24 abeg. I always wanted to marry at 26 or so.
I feel you.
Want to hear what’s funny?
Sure. Make me laugh
I’m 26 now and I am still not interested in getting married yet. And even him that was stressing me out then, guess what
He hasn’t married o. He often reaches out. He’s still trying to get me back but the ship has sailed. I no do again
I was going to ask how the breakup went but apparently, the process hasn’t fully ended
No o. Guy please. That one has ended. Definitely not going back to my vomit.
Yes now. I suspect - no, I know for a fact - that getting back with him will take me through that pressure for marriage again and right now, that is not even what I want in my life at all.
Just the marriage bit or love in general?
The marriage bit. The love bit, I don’t know how I feel about that.Some days I am all for relationships, some other days, I think of the two real relationships I’ve had and I wonder if I want to try that shit again.
It gets better. The secret is to find one’s own
Maybe. I hope to find him then. For now, I think am better by myself for now.
Fair enough. Tell me one thing you learnt about yourself in that first relationship?
I won’t say what I learnt about myself. More like a confirmation of what I’ve always known about myself. Once I don’t want to do something, you can’t convince me otherwise.
So lowkey you have coconut head
LOL. I guess that is one way to put it.
I feel like this convo won’t be complete if I don;t ask you when you think you’d be ready to marry now
Wait. Before I answer that I just remembered something.
So apparently, the reason my first guy was pushing to marry then was not even because he was 100% ready himself.
Yes. His mother was pressuring him and they were telling him that at 30 and being comfortable as he is then, marriage was the logical thing to do.
So what you were getting was second hand pressure?
Exactly. And that was one more reason why I left and will never get back with him. A man is not a man until he shields is woman from external pressures. Imagine him not being convinced about marriage but still pushing for it just to please his mum and family. So we’ll get married and he’d be disillusioned and what will then happen? See. That one was a really big bullet dodged.
Let me still burst your brain again.
Ok. Go on.
His mum that he was trying to please that time. She’s dead now.
So do you still want to answer the question on when you will marry?
Not really. Because me sef, I don’t know.