How Love Ends: Church sermon helped me break up with abusive boyfriend

How Love Ends brings you the raw and real stories of people who have loved and lost. Each story narrates the accounts of what led to the end of their once-promising relationships.

This week, a woman talks about how she found the strength to leave a harmful relationship that lasted for 11 months.

How did you two meet?

He made a transaction at my workplace, but I later realised it was just a way to get my number.

What initially attracted you to him?

He seemed reserved, responsible and looked put-together, which I found appealing. I felt comfortable being myself around him. We started as friends, getting to know each other, and I felt open and transparent with him. I told him everything.

Were there any issues?

Yes. One of the first controlling behaviours I noticed was his jealousy. I run a business and interact with men regularly. He'd come to my workplace and get jealous of any interaction. This possessiveness escalated to him going through my phone, dictating who I could talk to, and even deleting contacts from my phone and email.

He blocked most of my friends on social media, including some who weren't even men. He justified this by saying I shouldn't be friends with single people since I was in a relationship. He also pressured a friend who was staying with me when we met to leave because he felt she was "giving him attitude."

Looking back, the signs were there, but it took time to recognise them for what they were.

What else was a problem in the relationship?

Our arguments usually started over trivial things. It could be about my phone use, maybe someone I spoke to in passing, or even him checking out who I was looking at by following my gaze. Minor incidents would always escalate, and when I try to explain, he never listens.

Did these arguments ever escalate to physical abuse?

He thought I was cheating on him using apps like Gmail and Calendar, and wanted me to delete them.

He accused her of cheating [DALL-E2024] Pulse Nigeria

I said no because it didn’t make any sense. He tried to grab my phone, and when I wouldn't let him, he smashed it. I tried to walk away from the situation but he pulled me back and pushed me around, and I ended up with bruises. After that, I had no phone for a while and couldn’t talk to my family.

How did you deal with that?

I knew we needed help, so I contacted a therapist, even though it was expensive. At first, he didn’t want to pay, but then he agreed to share the cost. The first therapy session went well, but soon we were arguing again. I suggested going back, but he said no, saying if the first session didn't work, there was no point. Things got so worse that he started drinking alcohol and sometimes, he came home drunk and forced me to have sex with him.

Whenever I confronted him, he'd cry and beg for forgiveness, and most times I ended up forgiving him out of pity.

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Can you say more about how bad the abuse got?

The last time he hit me was during an argument at home. He went out to get his measurements taken at the tailor's. While he was out, I cleaned and watched TV. When he got back, he got pissed because I hadn’t finished cleaning the room. I told him I was still working on it, but he said I was just watching TV.

He left the house angry and didn’t come back until 2 am, and he didn’t sleep in the bed with me. I tried to talk to him the next day, but he was still angry. That evening, I told him I was going to work and then to my apartment. I had to video call him from there to prove I was home.

I went back to his place around 10 pm, hoping he’d be in a better mood, but he was still calling me a liar. I decided to leave again. As I was gathering a few clothes, he threatened to hit me with a power bank. I dared him and he threw it at me. He had locked the door earlier, and when I tried to scream and leave, he started hitting me. My sister was outside, yelling because she was worried. When I finally got the door open, she rushed in.

He tried to explain what happened, and when I tried to speak, he threatened me again. He dragged me around, and when my sister tried to help, he pushed her aside and kept hitting me. After a while, he pushed me out of the room and locked the door. It was hard to find a ride home because it was midnight, but I eventually did. The next morning, I went back to pick up my things.

Was that how you ended things?

Later, he came to my house, crying and begging for forgiveness but I didn’t accept his apology. He kept coming back with gifts, begging me to take him back. I told him to stay away, but he wouldn’t stop.

He apologised with gifts [DALL-E2024] Pulse Nigeria

He kept saying sorry every day. After a while, he got impatient about why I hadn’t forgiven him yet.

Even though I eventually forgave him, I told him I wouldn’t spend the night at his place anymore. I felt too embarrassed to go back there because everyone around had heard us fighting.

Did you feel any pressure or fear when you guys got back together?

Yes, I was constantly living in fear after we got back together. Whenever a conversation started to get tense and seemed like it might turn into an argument, I tried to avoid it. I was really scared he would hit me again. That fear was always with me, and sometimes I even had nightmares about the day he hit me. I was constantly worried that if he could hit me once, he could do it again. I knew I was afraid, but I didn't know how to walk away.

Please tell us how you finally made up your mind to leave the relationship

After that incident, my sister invited us to her church. That Sunday, I went with him. The pastor’s sermon was about physical and emotional abuse. It felt like he was speaking directly to me, saying many stay in abusive relationships, hoping their partners will change. That message really hit me. I knew then that our relationship was over, but I didn't say anything until I had the courage to. That sermon was a turning point for me.

The sermon was a turning point for me [DALL-E2024] Pulse Nigeria

The day I decided to leave for good, I went out with some old friends to a party, which my sister encouraged me to attend. It felt good being out, it helped me forget my problems for a while. That same day, my boyfriend messaged me, upset about some guy I had responded to on Instagram. He demanded to know if I went out with the guy. I told him we were done. I broke it off there and then. When I ended it, he started threatening me, and I had to block him.

He tried to reach me using private numbers, and it scared me because I didn’t know what he might do next. I told my sister and my friends, and they all said to be careful. He kept trying to get me back, even sending old pictures of us, but my mind was made up. I was done for good.

How have you been feeling since the breakup?

Even though I'm currently in another relationship, the emotional and mental scars from the abuse I experienced haven't fully healed. I have PTSD.

Looking back, what have you learned from this experience and what advice would you give anyone in a similar situation?

I'll advise anyone in that kind of situation to find the strength to leave. It might feel impossible at the time, but there is a way out. Abuse is never okay, and it doesn't get better on its own.