Dear Bukky,

I dated a man, [let’s call him G] for 4 years. He is 27. I am 25. The relationship was extremely tumultuous as he was confused about the future and did not meet any of my emotional needs. I am someone who thinks about the future and he is someone who lives in the present.

I always wanted to get married to him but he was not serious about it. He was alwaysplanning on going abroad. He was the first guy I truly fell in love with, that is why it was so hard for me to break up.

We had been on and off several times, but by the end of the 4 years, I broke up for good because he disrespected me and made me feel really unloved and uncared for in such a way I could no longer take it. But nevertheless I left out of self-love, not because I stopped loving him.

When we broke up he didn’t contact me for 2 weeks neither did I as I was so determined to move on. And as fate would have it, a new guy called K came into my life that very moment ( 1 or 2 days later). He fell head over heels for me and his way of thinking matches mine. But I did not fall in love with him instantly... it was over 2 weeks that I started realising how many things I had in common with him.

After 3 weeks I told him I loved him as I started to feel something for him. And everything was going well as he is very loving caring supportive and even wants to get married. Just the way I like it. He is extremely serious about me as he even wants our parents to meet. He is 29. I can see in his eyes he truly loves me. He even said if I leave him he will never be able to love a girl like he loves me.

Now that very moment (after a few days) my ex started realising that maybe he lost me for good. It was now 1 month. When he texted me a few times I replied to him in a very formal way. Not the way I usually speak to him. When he saw my posts I think he started to realise I might have found someone.

So after 1 month of being broken up, he texts me to tell me he wants to get back and he will keep me happy, to which I replied I can't as I already have someone in my life now. This was a huge blow to his ego and he started doing extreme stuff to get me back.

He even came at my place and begged me, cried with me saying he really wants me back and he made a huge mistake. He is so determined to get me back that he wants to get engaged and has completely forsaken the idea of going abroad as he says I am his number one priority which he claimed he realised when we broke up at the beginning of the 1 month.

He never used to cry and he cried a lot and even messaged my friends and begged them to talk to me I didn’t care about any of this. But over a few days, he was so completely shattered that he wrote me a letter saying he wishes only my happiness even if it is with someone else. At this point I thought maybe he truly loves me and it was mature for him to want my happiness.

He told me let’s just be friends. And he has been texting me as friends and he has been telling me not to rush in my new relationship and take it slow. He has been really loving caring ever since.

As I told you, he is the only guy I fell in love with. But this new guy is going to take care of me really well and I know it as he told me he will even cook for me after marriage (which he has no problem with).

I thought I loved him until my ex came back with his new personality and been saying all the things I was dying to hear the past 4 years. My ex told me he still loves me and if my new boyfriend and I break up, he would love a chance to prove himself. He doesn’t want to move on which sucks as I feel he is waiting for me.

I told him several times to move on but he won’t listen. He says I’m the first girl he loved and will always be. And it is true that I am his first girlfriend.

Please talk some sense into me. I need help. I don't really know what to do. I do not want to hurt this amazing new guy, but my ex seems to have changed as he even wants to get married and engaged right away (humans don’t change easily, that’s why I’m doubtful if it is a sham, but it doesn’t feel like he is playing games).

Now the decision is up to me. Please help. I trust you will give me some constructive advice._______________

Dear reader,

I think I must first commend the strength you applied in moving on in the first instance. Leaving a relationship of four years is never easy especially with the kind of love you have professed for the man in question.

That being said, I advise that you keep up that same energy. As you must have noticed after your four years with him, love is not enough. If your love, affection and all the energy invested into a person and a relationship is not getting matched with efforts, then why bother?

The changes made by your ex should not move you, please, whether or not they are genuine.

Why did he have to wait for four years, a break up and the arrival of another man to get his act right? Think about it, do you think he really would have come back pleading if another man wasn’t in the picture?

He only realizes his loss now that another man is loving you right and it has become clear that you no longer need him. Please don’t be fooled by the changes he’s portraying to you. It should not even matter that he upturned his life now to get your attention. The window of opportunity has passed and that chapter need to be left closed.

If you keep looking back, moving ahead won’t be so easy.

I advise that you face the new guy squarely. He came in with the right energy from the onset, something you clearly needed. You have a lot of things in common. He loves you back. Thinks of the future like you and has already making plans for the future. Here’s everything you needed your ex to do … everything you waited for four years for, hoping for a change and getting none.

I think it would be unwise to leave what you have seen, tested and trusted with the new boyfriend for the promise of your ex, who had you and your love for four years and did nothing but give you heartaches and disappointments.

You asked for constructive advice, that’s as constructive as they come._______________Do you want to talk about your love life, marriage or family issues?

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