Writing this is scary. I have a Nigerian girlfriend whom I love and who loves me sick ass. In fact, we inspired Romeo and Juliet. But after writing this article, I will have given her the perfect way to dump me, run away with that spoilt politician’s son, ushering me into endless days of tears and Lagos hookers.
But write this I must! Last week, I was led by the devil to write an article on how to breakup with your Nigerian girlfriend. That made all female readers disturb my life. So at the expense of my relationship, I, Joey Akan, will be good to my female readers and teach them how to kick ass too. Say thank you.
In a fair world, girls shouldn’t breakup with their boyfriends. They are supposed to wait until the breakup is handed to them on a romantic evening dinner. But they can only breakup on 3 conditions.
#1. If the boy’s role model is King Solomon.
#2. If he treats you like garbage
#3. If he doesn’t notice your new hair or forgets the date your pet dog died.
If all or any of the above terms are fulfilled, then feel free to dump his ass. Here’s how to do it right.
#1. Never Breakup In The Guy’s House.
Breaking up in a guy’s house is pretty dangerous. Unless you want to give him some hot goodbye sex. You know, the kind where he calls you his mama, and pray for aliens to kidnap his father, right before he hits the roof.
After that, become cold. Best bet is he wouldn’t notice, seeing how much of a cocky insensitive prick he is. (I couldn’t resist the sex pun. Sorry). So you bare your heart to him. Tell him how you wanna move on, get a new life, a new hair, and how you just want some time off to figure out the meaning of life, and how to kill a man with one good kiss.
Never mention a new boyfriend. Even if there’s one and he drives a Porsche Panamera 2014 Platinum edition, and you develop goose-pimples just thinking about his deep Spanish voice. Don’t mention him. That’s if you want to leave that house alive.
#2. Breakup The Classy Way
The classy way is the standard way. Tell him you wanna see him. Be sure to recommend an exotic restaurant. I prefer a Thai restaurant. Thai Restaurants are pretty expensive, and the mood is always one of total tranquility. It’s the perfect breakup point.
When he swaggers in, be sure to have a 3 course dinner, and some expensive Spanish wine. (Be sure the grapes are from Pamplona). Breaking up is hard work, and can’t be done on an empty stomach. You have to eat Thai food! Not garri and Ewedu!
After the meal, get to work. Tell him he’s been a nice guy. How the Sun rises up in his smile, and the gentle evening breeze comes from his smelly fart. When he’s all buttered up and feeling fly, give him the news. This is the point where you keep a straight face and breakup. He’ll beg and promise to be a better man. He might even promise to be as caring as the Pope. But stand your ground, and tell him how he’s also been an asinine turd. How he drinks Alomo every day, and refuses to stop smoking weed. Remind him of the day he drank the last beer in the house, and refused to share it with you. Tell him everything.
Then say Goodbye, pack up and walk away, swinging your hips. Be sure to flick your hair on your way out, for theatrical effect. No good breakup is without some drama.
That’s how to breakup with a Nigerian guy. Disregard every other way you’ve been told by your jealous friends, insincere sisters, and the sweet gossip from your hairstylist.
This is the once, true and future way. Goodluck.