‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse's weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
The subject of this #WomenTeachSex episode doesn’t hold much back as she drags Nigerian men for their poor communication skills during sex. This is the 17th story in this series. Catch up on previous editions here.
Can you remember your introduction to sex?
I was in JSS 1 and I had a couple of roommates/friends who were in JSS3. I heard them one time talking about porn. I didn’t know what they were talking about so I asked and they said that if I went online and did a google search, I’d find pictures of naked people but that I should not check it out sha, as it was a bad thing. I said ok now, no problem. When I got home, I took this Nokia phone I had and did a search. The first thing I saw was a naked woman and this guy behind her doing stuff to her. I didn’t even know what it was at the time.
And how did seeing that feel? Can you remember?
When I saw it, I quickly closed it because I was like what is this?! I just knew it was wrong even though I didn’t particularly know what it was. I just knew I shouldn’t have seen it. So I knelt down and prayed to God for forgiveness for opening the site. I was 11.
By the time you were ready to engage in sex, did you have expectations?
So the first time I opened that page, I felt bad and closed it. But then I went back because I was curious. For some reason, I actually didn’t hate what I was seeing. So whenever I watched, I didn’t touch myself. I used to put a pillow in between my legs and I’d just hump it. Or I’d sometimes just squeeze my thighs together really hard and I’d feel these waves and I’d cum. The first time this happened, I was 12 years old. Still, by the time I lost my virginity at 16, I was still such a novice. I didn’t even know where my vagina opening was. My first boyfriend was just as clueless. We were both just total amateurs.
I think I should mention that porn does not teach you anything or prepare you for sex especially as a woman. So I was still such a novice when I did it the first time. Didn’t know how it’d feel, what to expect, what to do or anything. I kinda had an idea of what would happen but I didn't even know what to expect. I think I just knew that somehow, it was supposed to lead to an orgasm.
Yeah due to experience.
Exactly. So I was expecting it to be nice but it was painful. Like I said, sex porn does not center the woman’s pleasure or prepare you for anything. And as a woman in this country, nobody tells you what to expect the first time and the truth is that you can’t even talk to anybody about it. If you are really young, it’s worse. I mean, I was 16, I could not have gone to my friends to say: ‘oh, I want to have sex with my boyfriend, do you guys have any advice for me?’
LOL. And really, I wish more parents would take this on their heads. Like, I wish someone told me about lube or condoms or stuff like that. I didn’t know any of those things. I just knew that I was horny and my boyfriend was horny and we both wanted to do something. We could not even do it the first couple of times because it was so painful and I was not expecting that. You see all these pornstars enjoying it, so why was mine so painful?
Sorry about that. How is your sex life these days though?
Right now, it’s kind of nonexistent. The last time I had it was about a month ago. I‘m not even trying to get into it with anyone at the moment. I’m busy with other stuff in my life.
If I said drag Nigerian men and their approach to sex, what would you drag them for?
The lack of interaction. It’s basically the same thing y’all complain about women doing.
If you are going to get with a Nigerian man, especially the younger ones, [up to their mid 20’s] there is this sort of silence on their part. A Nigerian man could have sex with you and not say a word throughout. Like, you won’t even hear pim until maybe when they’re done. That is very strange to me. I left Nigeria a while back so I kinda have an experience of a place that’s free of all the sexual guilt that Nigeria puts on its youth, and I have seen men that are expressive. Most Nigerian men are not expressive in the bedroom. They don’t even moan, they’ll just stay there, silent. Maybe once in a while you’ll hear them say ‘fuck!’ or you’ll hear them grunt but that’s about it. They won’t ask if you like what they are doing, or what you want them to do. It’s like you are masturbating with a human being. They don’t interract with them women they are having sex with. It’s almost as if you [the woman] are using a sex toy. And even if you try to break the silence, you won’t even see any effort on their part. They won’t try to do better or anything.
Does any particular experience come to mind?
Yeah. I was with this basketball player dude who was about 6’6 and stuff and was feeling all macho during the act. That was the worst sex of my life actually.
I’ll come back to this.
But how does one deal with an inexpressive partner like that?
So the guy I was previously seeing, he was like this before now but I told him that I’d like him to be more interactive. At first, he found it difficult. But right now, he’s even the one that initiates the talking and all that and he’s very into it, just as I like it. So I feel like if it is something that is very important to you, you should open your mouth and speak. If you don’t speak, there is no way they are going to know. Your partner does not have mind-reading abilities. So just speak and if he’s willing to listen and change or compromise or whatever, that’d be great and if he’s not, I think you should just move on if it’s really important to you.
Tell me about your best ever sexual experience?
I can’t pinpoint a particular one.
Must be nice. Why do you think those experiences were lit though?
I find that my best sexual experiences are usually with people I have a very great chemistry with. So if I’m into someone and the person is into me as well, the sex will be mindblowing. So the element that makes sex bang for me is the chemistry and also if the guy knows what he’s doing because some people don’t know what they are doing.
Can we talk about the most awful experience?
The basketball guy I mentioned above. I liked him and I think I was sexually attracted to him but he just didn’t know what he was doing. And there was also the lack of interaction. I tried talking to him and it was as if I was the only one talking. I actually like talking during sex and I kept trying to talk to him and I was not getting the same energy back. It was terrible in the sense that I felt so disconnected from what was happening.
How would you rate Nigerian men over 10?
I’ll give them a 7.5. A lot of them do know how to have sex but they could just be better sha. And as women, I think as women, we also have to be more interactive. I think the interaction problem goes both ways because Nigerian women are also not used to interacting and if women don’t interact the men don’t see the reason to be. So yeah, if men improve their expression, maybe I’ll reconsider and give them a 9.
Rate your own sex skills over 10
LOL. I’ll give myself an 8 because I don’t think I’m an expert or a pro but I’m willing to listen and talk about things I’d like and I expect the same from my partners. I’m also willing to try whatever my partner asks for, if it’s something I can do. And if not, I’ll just tell them I can’t. So I don’t think you can be a god or be perfect at sex. It just depends on who you are doing it with.
Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
In a car. It was very uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. It was in a public place and in car and I don’t think I ever want to do that again. It was so uncomfortable.
Is there anything you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
To be honest, nothing. I have checked out everything on my bucket list for now. But maybe that’ll change later sha. You know, your taste and what you want changes with time.
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