‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
In this #WomenTeachSex episode, our subject says she’s so unbothered about sex that she could go two years without it. Through her experiences, which you're about to read, we get an insight into what it feels like to be living with a very low sex drive in a sex-crazed social scape. This is the 13th of this series. Catch up on previous editions here.
What was your introduction to sex like?
Movies actually. Books also, but books only solidified what movies already did to an extent. So I grew up in a place where movies were not censored and no one was watching out for you as a kid whether you are supposed to be watching something or. So I watched a lot of stuff I was not supposed to see especially because I had a lot of older siblings. I am the last born.
How about your very first experience with sex?
I was still in secondary school and it was exactly as you would expect it to be - rushed, rough and really forgettable. It was not until university that I had what I like to call proper sex.
What's proper sex?
Sex now. The type where you remove all your clothes, take your time and not have to look over your shoulders.
Yeah. The one I had in secondary school was in one boy's house and we were literally scared throughout. Plus the boy was inexperienced and came in like a split second.
Hahaha. Ok. Did you have any expectations that first time?
Funny as it sounds, I think the thing I expected was for us to come together. Like I said, my sex beliefs were so influenced by movies and they all come together in those films and even books. So I was expecting that as the guy was coming, I should be coming. The disappointment.
Hahaha. Hollywood in the mud. What does your sex life look like these days?
Inexistent, honestly. Sex is a scam.
For me I think.
I don't even know how to explain it but I think somewhere along the line, I just lost interest in the whole thing. My libido has also never been a thing to write home about anyway so... there's that too. I had a bad breakup two years ago. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think there should be cobwebs down there now sef.
Ah. That bad?
Ok maybe not that bad but something close.
So how bad?
I think I could conveniently go two years without sex although I have never gone that long. But I rarely ever get the urge for sexual contact. Even when I'm drunk or high [which are both rare], sex is still really not my outlet. I can confidently say that all the sex I've ever had was because someone wanted to, and I agreed to be their accomplice. Every single time.
I'm mad curious: have you ever had an orgasm?
Hahahahaha. Come on now.
Sorry. It was necessary to ask
I get. But I think my situation is just that I can live without sex, not that I don't enjoy it when I do it. So, yeah, I've had orgasms. Even squirted one time sef. Only one time sha.
So when was the last time for you?
Before corona. I think one month before we went into lockdown.
Omo. You know what, let's track back a little more
When was the peak period of sexual activity for you so far?
During that relationship I mentioned earlier. That was the only period I had something that resembled a sex life. We were together for two years and the sex was not bad. Not as much as you'd expect but I stretched myself for him sha. That I can confidently say. I think I was even starting to enjoy it and even look forward to it sometimes. I wouldn't initiate it but I learnt to welcome the advances of my ex. But now that I think about it, it was all just a duty to me. But one I learnt to get comfortable with because I loved the guy so much. Besides, sex is an integral part of life for many people including him. That I have such a low desire for it is not his fault and I didn't want him to suffer because of me.
And how did that go?
You guys have broken up now, so I'll say... not so well?
He cheated. He cheated on me. I kinda suspected that it'd happen at some point. He said - and insists till date - that it was not because of the sex but I believe it was. I like to think it was because of that. That is the only area I think I defected in the relationship. I refuse to believe he had any other reason than that.
But these things are usually not so simplistic
I kuku know. But that's what I have chosen to believe.
Ever considered seeing a doctor or something?
I feel you. But does any of this make you feel some type of way?
Nope. Not anymore. I used to feel awful about it before. You know, I'd be with my girls and hear them talking about being horny, reaching to men for sleepovers and just generally being passionate about sex; I'd see people on social waxing lyrical about sex and I'd be like 'really, na so the thing dey do una? Why don't I feel this way about it?.' But now, not anymore. My mum said she used to be like that when she was younger and that things improved for her as she grew.
Oh. Shout out to mummy for the honesty. Love to see it
Yeah. We're actually very cool. She has just two of us. I have a brother so I and her are like very close friends. It was even when I was nursing that heartbreak that the gist came up. Since she told me that, I've been less bothered about it. If the person I inherited it from said it would improve, I guess I have nothing to be worried about. Not like I was super bothered anyway, but I guess the reassurance works.
I guess it works. Let me ask some random questions
How long should sex last for?
Ah. For me the shorter the better o. The older I get, the more impatient I get. If you can come in two minutes, I don't mind. I am not one of those that mock men like that
It appears so. What would you advice men on if you could gather them all in one place?
Women are so, so different. And please learn to be kind to people like us. That we don't like sex as much as you or other women does not mean we are broken or something. We deserve good sex too. LOL. The few times that we are up for it.
Weirdest place you've had sex
I've never done it in any weird place. I'm boring. It's always in an apartment.
Overrrated sex act?
The whole thing please. Everything patapata.
Underrated sex act?
Cuddling. Cuddling is nice.
Rate your sex skills
6. I learnt few things from that my big head ex.
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