‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure, and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Teach Sex: His indifference to sex drives me crazy
I know some girls like guys that are not so crazy about sex. Not me, please.
In this week’s ‘Women Teach Sex’ edition, we had a chat with a Nigerian woman who opens up about the indifference of her partner to her sexual needs. She says when it happens, it’s so great but it happens too infrequently. While other women may find that refreshing, she says it is frustrating and way too unbearable to deal with.
What was your introduction to sex like? I mean, like, when and how did you first become aware of sex?
Oh. I was a child when I became aware. Although there caution that children shouldn’t watch a particular movie rated 16 or 18. Wherever there were scenes of kissing, my dad would tell us to close our eyes or leave the living room. So I was so curious about this sex thing. It seemed like a pleasure that was forbidden. We were always taught that people who had sex before marriage were evil and would get pregnant illegitimately, and thereafter, suffer for life.
Lol. But you eventually did it
Before? LOL. The first time I had sex, I was 17. It was with my 24-year old boyfriend. I had a major crush on him and I was happy that he liked me too. When we started dating, I told him that I would love to have sex with him. He said that he was scared of being with a virgin, and he had never been with one before. So, we forgot about the issue. One time that we were together, we got close to having sex, but it was so painful, I couldn’t handle it. When I got home, he scolded me on the phone saying that I was too weak to handle being deflowered. It was really offensive, and I thought he was trying to “help” in some sort of way. So, I finally took the pain the next time we met, but then again, I couldn’t handle it. He decided to go down on me so that I could get extra horny while trying to have sex with him. I noticed a bloodstain on his lips. That was when I knew that the hymen had already been broken. I was a virgin no more! I didn't even realize it had already happened. He realized he had broken the hymen and successfully deflowered me. We were both happy and tried out sex again. It felt so beautiful while I was with him, but when I got home, I felt like a loser. I looked at myself in the mirror and said: “You’re now a hoe”.
How do you feel about that now - that age difference?
Well, I think he was just manipulative. I’ve always been attracted to guys, so I would have certainly lost my virginity anyway. But he made it seem as if I was weak if I didn’t want to try it at the time. Plus, I was underage. I wasn’t sure I was ready yet. Exactly. It’s as if he bullied me to having sex with him. I actually wish I decided on my own to have sex without another person convincing me to.
I feel like I know the answer to this but why do you think you felt like a hoe back then?
I guess it must have been because of what society preached to us as teenagers. Also, those Nollywood movies painted people who had sex before marriage as “wayward”. While watching those kinds of movies, my parents would say “there’s a lesson to learn in this movie”. So, yeah, was that what you had in mind?
Hehehehehe. Naija did a number on us all.
You can say that again.
Were your expectations met that first time?
Well, my expectation was kinda weird at that age. I thought that once I started having sex with one person, I would never have the desire to have sex with any another person. But of course, I quickly found out that that wasn’t true. So you can say my expectations were unmet because I was desiring to do it with many different people.
Lol. What inspired that thought though?
Maybe because I felt that there would be only one person for me in this world. My parents dated for 7 years before they got married, so I assumed it was that way with everyone. I even thought they both never had any other lover before meeting each other.
Don’t judge me. I was young and full of weird thoughts and impressions about sex.
I see. So what’s your sex life like these days?
Irregular. I have a sex partner currently, but he’s not so crazy about sex. We are kuku not in an exclusive relationship, so I might find someone else soon because whenever I get horny, he’s not always available for me. I understand that it’s good to have one partner, and that’s what I am trying to do, but a girl needs some regular sex sometimes. So, yeah, I’m not happy with my sex life at the moment. I used to be happy with it, at least before COVID came into the picture. Now, I can’t just jump into anyone’s arms. They might have COVID. So I am grounded, kinda.
Tell me about your pre-covid shenanigans. What was special about it?
I was always free to be with whoever I wanted. And if I didn’t feel comfortable with someone anymore, there was no need to have serious conversations about ending things. I just moved on from them.
And how does it feel being with someone who is not so crazy about sex?
Kinda boring. Whenever I’m horny, I don’t even have the chance to have sex at that time because he’s not available for it.
Unavailable or disinterested?
Well, he mentioned he was not the the sex-sex kinda person when I complained about it the first and second time and it made me feel unwanted. Lol. So I asked if he wasn’t interested in having anything to do with me anymore. But he said that wasn’t the case. I know there are some girls who like a guy that’s not so freaky about sex, but I’m not that kinda girl. Please.
This must have affected your relationship
Yeah, kinda. He was getting too attached to new things in his life like attending events with friends and some other activities, so at some point, he wasn’t even available to just see and talk. I feel he was all about himself, unlike other guys I’d been with. Then, of course, the vibe died down.
On a scale of 1-10, rate your sex drive
For sex drive, I’d say 4. For being good at sex, I’d say 10. Why would anyone be so good at sex and not be freaky about it? 😭😭
And you didn’t think he was just doing it with other people instead?
I didn’t think about that. I felt he was too good to be cheating. But these days, you never can tell. A goody-two-shoes can actually surprise a person.
Random question zone: how long should a round of sex last?
A round of sex can last about 40 minutes. There was one I had that lasted an hour including foreplay. We tried different styles and wanted to be sure I’d get home before my curfew. That was how we were able to calculate the time that we had sex.
What would you teach men about sex if you could gather them all in one place?
I would teach them that long foreplay is important. Let the woman crave and beg for you to go inside her. Don’t jump into the game immediately. Get all her points right and make her moan before the sex starts. It’s very important. If possible, do romantic or sexy things to her before foreplay like smiling at her, teasing her, licking her neck, rubbing her cheeks, and complimenting her. You could even offer a drink or wine, or ask about her day so far. These things will make her feel appreciated by you before the foreplay begins. Once the foreplay begins, it all goes into her head. She will NOT think you’re in love with her if you both are just flings. It’s the way we were created; no matter how much we want to play, we still love compliments and pampering. After the sex, I would simply say to myself “this was a great feeling”. It’s not as if I’d want anything serious with you. So, the bottom line is: make her feel good before sex or foreplay.
What is the most uninformed opinion you’ve heard from a man concerning women’s bodies?
A man has said that women should always have big breasts, and small breasts like mine wouldn’t be convenient during sex. Well, the lady with small breasts gets every sexual experience she wants.
Your most embarrassing sex moment?
My most embarrassing sex moment was when I stretched my legs and it sounded like I farted. Something similar had happened when I was doing my morning yoga. We were both laughing, actually, but I was still embarrassed.
Weirdest place you’ve had sex?
In the classroom.
Tell me about this
Oh. It was with a boyfriend in uni. We were about going home, and it was late. Not many people were in school. We just had a quickie at the back of the door.
Tell me about the worst sex you’ve had
It was in a car. His AC wasn’t working so well, and we couldn’t wind the glass down. The car was hot, I was almost suffocating. I had to tell him to stop. I couldn’t handle it any longer. He was begging that he needed to cum, but I tried to help, it was taking too long, and I was really sweating. It was like hell in there. We had to finally stop. Did we actually have sex since he didn’t cum?
Lol. I’ll let you take a wild guess. Why do you think it sucked though?
It sucked because I didn’t enjoy any bit of it, except the beginning though. But that was the first and last time I was with that person. I don’t think I’d want to have that kind of sex anymore.
How about the best sex?
Oh. The best one was with one of my friends like that. Everything about it was amazing. Every time we were together, sex always made sense to me. It got to a point that I even said “I love you”. I had to tell him that it was a mistake. I always said it to express how good I felt while having sex.
Ouch. Awkward. But why do you think it banged?
It banged because he was just too good with it and knew my good spots.
What’s one act/fantasy you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
I’ve tried all my fantasies, actually.
Tell me about this
Nothing much. Just a threesome and squirting.
One popular sex act you consider overrated?
Choking is overrated. Some guys don’t even know how to do it. It’s as if they want to kill you. I had to slap a guy’s hand when he tried it with me. Some people just need to calm down and learn.
And one that is underrated?
I think oral sex is underrated. Many people complain about it, but if done neatly, there’s really no problem.
What is that sexual thing you think every woman must do so they won’t get old and die of regrets?
I think women should try out different sex positions and figure out the one that gets into their heads. This way, they can try out their favourite styles and enjoy sex to the fullest for as long as they shall live.
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