‘Women Talk Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Talk Sex: Men say they can separate emotions from sex, but it’s a lie
Men just like to lie unprovoked.
This #WomenTalkSex edition questions the belief that only women get in their feelings once sex is involved. The subject in today’s conversation says men are 'detty' liars who only use this saying as a ruse for how soft they get once you throw sex into the equation.
Let me start with some general questions that I’d normally ask at the end
Ok now. Shoot.
Who should come first in an ideal situation during sex?
Lmao. Pretty straight to the point, aren’t you.
Well… the series is about sex.
I think the woman should come first. Yeah. Women first and the reason why I said so is because in my experience, and I think it’s basic biology. Men can literally come whenever they want. It’s not so easy for women to be like that. So any decent man who has the best sexual interests of a woman at heart would let her come first. Most of the time, I should add.
Cool. And where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Let me see… in a classroom. Yeah. Not sex sex, but there was this guy in school. We went to read together one time like that and he started fingering me in the class, in broad daylight with several other people in the class. I was scared someone would discover us but I also enjoyed it so so much. You know those moments of conflict where you are doing something you should not be doing but it feels so fucking good? Yeah that was one of those moments for me.
And then there was another time I got fingered in an uber, and one other time by the staircase in my family home. LMAO. I think I have been a little adventurous.
I think it’s more than little
Hahaha. I’ll take that as a compliment.
If I asked you to drag men for some sexual thing they never seem to get right, what would you drag them for?
Impatience. Fuck! Too many Nigerian men are awful with this. What the fuck is the rush about? If you want to fuck and actually enjoy it; it actually takes time. I get that people may be busy and stuff but you have been crying on my neck that you want us to have sex, and then after all the flirtatious dance, 35 minutes is all the time you got to spare. Come on man! Don’t be stupid.
LMAO. This sounds personal
Very very personal o. We cannot be sexting and having a crazy buildup and then you now come here and be giving me less than one hour. And that is me being kind sef. Because, really, think of it, good sex usually take a lot of time. 1 hour 30 minutes to 3 hours.
Hahahaha. Are you being serious or you are whining me?
No nau. I am totally serious. Not all the time, of course, but for the most part, in my experience, it should take about that time. Think of the oral sex for both people participating; think of the actual sex; the refractory period then second and maybe third round. Ahahn. It should be that long.
Ok. Let me ask: how long should a round of sex last?
30 minutes. And I am speaking from my own experiences. Of course, it is my experiences that shaped my expectations.
So 30-minute rounds of sex is the norm for you?
At some point, yes. In fact for the longest time. I actually used to have this guy - that guy I told you about, he was like a sex machine. He introduced me to sex properly and most of what I now know and expect sex to be like was learnt with him. Our sexual chemistry was actually over the roof. Actually, is. We still used to have sex on and off till before corona and I don’t think anyone gets me like him. Maybe no one ever will sef. [Laughs]
You know what, just hold this thought for a second. I’ll come back to this
How would you rate your sex skills?
A solid 9. And the reason I am not a 10 is because I still take too long to get comfortable with someone even after having gotten naked with them.
But that’s normal, no?
Well, not for the bad bitch that I like to think of myself as. You get?
LMAO. I get. So what was your most embarrassing sex moment?
The first time I had a pussy fart. It was quite embarrassing. I legit thought I farted from my ass. I mean, a lot was happening in the heat of the moment so for a second I got it all mixed up. Thankfully, the person I was with was good sport so the embarrassment didn’t last long. And then I actually realised afterwards that it was a normal part of sex. So, yeah, that’s it.
What’s one act/fantasy you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
Sex on a beach in the middle of the night. But this is Nigeria, plus the fear of sand entering into my thing… all of them have been holding me back. And there’s also no man at the moment to do that with.
Eiya. This brings me to that gist of your former partner you mentioned earlier. Tell me about it.
We actually met in school, and somehow things got sexual between us. It was so good from the jump and that was how he became my go-to person for sex throughout uni and even for a while after uni.
Were you guys dating?
Nope, we never.
But he was your only go-to person for sex for… how long exactly?
Like 6 years. But he wasn’t the only one. Just the major one. I had few other guys here and there but he was the surest plug. LOL. And that was because he is so, so good. I don’t know if that is how he is with other girls or if he just lucked out with me. I am saying that because he looks quite unassuming. Like, by his looks, you’d never think that he would be capable of all the things he does in the sack.
LMAO. Green snake people. Is he from where I think he’s from?
If you’re asking if he’s yoruba, yes he is. LMAO.
So what’s your sex life like these days?
I’m currently focusing on myself oh. I’m in the midst of a drought. No sex since February just my fingers, vibes and a toy I just got after lockdown.
Reach out to your plug now
Nah. We’re done.
Oh, sorry about that.
LOL. Actually we’ve been approaching the end for a bit before it eventually. It’s just the sex that kept bringing us back.
Ah, that. It happens.
I know right. So he wanted us to date. He has always been on the issue since 300L or so. But I would never date him sha, so I always told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. That’s actually still true till now. I don’t want a relationship. But in reality, even if I was willing to do relationships, I wouldn’t date him.
Ohhh. I see. Why not though?
He’s just not my type jor. He’s not bad as a friend, and the sex… I’m so glad we explored that aspect of things and I am even still willing to continue if he reaches out but he’s in his feelings so I guess that is not happening. But you never know, he always comes back to me sha.
Oh, this happens?
Yeah. He brings up the relationship issue, I say I am not ready, he says he wants something deeper than just sex, then disappears for a while. But never for this long sha.
Yeah. Now he's got in his feelings and stopped talking to me and I’m shook. I thought they said men can separate sex from emotions and that only women couldn’t. Or is that just another lie like every other thing men say? Anyway, we all know that men like to lie unprovoked.
I can neither confirm nor deny that men lie though.
LMAO. Like I expected anything different.
LOL. But you are still hoping he reaches out again?
Sure, why not? It might not have been this bad if Corona didn’t lock us up for months. Maybe I would have reached out at some point and asked to come over to his place. Besides, I was cool with how things are between us. He is the one who wants something deeper. I am cool with just the sex. And it’s not like I am in any relationship - although that might not stop me sha.
Yeah actually. You know how I said no one gets me like him and that no one might ever?
I actually meant it. This guy just always sets my body on fire in a way other guys could never. You know I mentioned that I have always had options on the side, yeah, but it’s just never like when I’m with him. Sometimes I even fear that I might cheat on my partner with him when I start dating and even when I’m married.
I hope it does not get to that sha but it’s a real concern that I have and that’s me being dead serious.
Does he know this?
I am not sure but it does not really matter. I think it’s my sole problem to bear. He wants us to be a couple anyway.
Facts. Give him a chance maybe?
Maybe sha. Simply because no one knows what could happen tomorrow. But as at today, it’s still a solid no from me.
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