Dear Bukky,

I have been married for 10 years now and have done everything possible to invest and empower my wife. I am the sole provider for the last 10 years and I have done so with so much joy. I set up a N1m business for my wife through a bank loan but she squandered the money on her family members i.e. daddy and siblings.

We have two kids and I avail my wife all she asks for. She is a fashion designer and i have promised to set up when she is mentally ready to start her own clothing line. This she appreciated and promised to let me know. 

Our sex life has been one-sided ever since we got married and I have been complaining for this long. I have never turned down any of my wife’s sex requests in the last 10 years. I mean, I have never for once; even when we quarrel and she offends me. But in my own case, it is a constant struggle. Please, please and please has never ceased to leave my mouth, as I have to beg most times. She can say she is not in the mood today even when she sees how desperate you want her but she will never make any attempt to offer herself to make up for when she turns you down. 

I have never enjoyed the feeling of having my wife propose sex. It has always been me. I have counselled her and have requested we go for counselling as the attitude is affecting me.

Just recently before the Christmas, I gave her N60k for herself, N30k for the kids and N100k to support her younger brother's impromptu wedding. You won’t believe that the last time we had sex was December 22. We went out for ice cream treat on 25 December, and later that night I tried to make love she turned me down. 26 December we went to d cinema to a movie and 27 December I tried again. She said she wanted to sleep and the morning after she behaved as if I never existed. 

I got so upset and promised myself never to make any more advances to her but since 27 Dec 2018 till date, my wife has not shown any concern whatsoever. I feel bad and down. I have always been on top of my game, providing and meeting all her needs to make her happy.

Where do I go from here?


Dear reader,

I cannot begin to imagine the frustration you must be feeling for being left without sexual satisfaction the way your wife does. But I really do empathize with you. Hopefully things take a new turn this new year.

Here are few things I want you to know: getting your wife to ride on the same sexual frequency is something that you have to keep trying. You cannot get tired of trying to make her be at ease with having sex with you. Being that you are both married, you have no other person to sleep with but her. And if that basic need is not being met, it could cause a lot of problems that even she would have to deal with. So, for everyone’s good; I advise that you don’t stop trying to make sex appealing to her.

Change your approach. If the old ways of communicating your frustration with her did not work, try new ways.

Also, understand that there are so many reasons why your wife may not want to make love to you. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, your cleanliness, your demanding, abusive, or controlling ways may also turn her off.

While I am not accusing you of anything, the truth is that women have also been known to say no to sex when they do not enjoy it. So I would also advise that you up your foreplay skills. Take extra time, make it thrilling for her. As a matter of fact, make it all about her. Repeatedly give her the kind of experience she has never had. Make her orgasm. Over and over again. Do this with foreplay. Women usually like that more than the act of sex itself. The more selfless you are with the pleasure you give her, the enjoyable she’ll find sex and this should do the trick. If she can trust her pleasure to you, she’ll be more open to the idea of sex.

I will be very sincere and blunt with you; if you did not use to perform oral sex on her, now is the time to begin. It could be your saving grace. Also sex begins before the bed room. Words and actions are just as sexy.

If you already do all of this, I would also suggest that you communicate again with her. This time, make the conversation about her. Set your ego aside and ask her to tell you how to pleasure her. Where would she have you touch? What is it about the way you touch her that always puts her off? What does it take to get her to get more sexual with you? These are some of the questions to ask and you should be as open-minded and agreeable about the thing as you can!

Do not get angry. Do turn it on her head. Just listen to her and use the information she gives to be a better sexual partner.

I hope this helps.


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