I want to divorce husband of 30 years

"I realised that I no longer love my husband a long time ago, about 10, maybe even 15 years ago. That I can't just leave him because my children won't forgive me, either. No one would understand that I want to. divorce because I am unhappy," writes Mrs Katarzyna in a letter to Onet.

I have lived with my husband for 30 years. We have a daughter and a son, we even have a 3-year-old granddaughter, Hania.

Our marriage had its ups and downs, there were times when I gritted my teeth and pretended to be happy. There were times when I gave up on myself, my dreams, needs and sense of fulfillment. I repeated to myself: being in a relationship is the art of compromise. Only by some strange twist of fate, this compromise always came at my expense.

I realised I no longer loved my husband a long time ago, about 10, maybe even 15 years ago. That I can't just leave him because my children won't forgive me, either. No one would understand that I want a divorce because I am unhappy.

I come from a generation where in order to get a divorce you have to be the victim of an alcoholic or a domestic tyrant. Better yet, be beaten badly. The argument that love had ended and passion had fizzled out would not convince my mother or my friends. Once, during a girls' meeting, I mentioned that I might leave Jacek. My friends shouted at me. Because he is "such a good guy."

Jacek is calm, he cares about me and our family, he always made sure that we didn't lack anything. I am grateful to him for this and I know that the decision to have children with him was the best possible decision. He is a great father and grandfather, a faithful partner. But I want something more than morning coffee and evening watching series on Netflix. I would like to fall in love again, and the chances of me falling in love with my husband again are close to zero. It's just that for me this story is long over.

My husband is a great friend, a buddy, a Sunday walk companion, but not a guy with whom you can talk half the evening. Jacek is not interested in politics, he does not read newspapers, he is not curious about the world and people. I have the impression that out of the two of us, I have developed and want to move on, while he has stopped and is fine with it.

I find myself irritated by every little gesture, sentence he says, comment. I have to hold myself back so as not to be mean and mean. Well, that's how emotions and frustration are hidden for years. But time is running out and now it's my turn to be happy.

And no, I don't have my eye on anyone, I don't have an affair, I don't fall in love with a colleague from work. I just want to be free again, to throw off the burden of a relationship in which I was stuck for 30 years and which burned out a long time ago. There is no point in forcing something that no longer works.

I have no idea how I will tell my husband, daughter or son about the divorce. They will definitely be shocked and think I'm crazy. I'm sure my mother will be outraged. But it's not her life, not her marriage. Some time ago I turned 50 and I feel that if I try to be good to myself, many great things await me. And it doesn't matter to my friends.