Happy New Year!

That greeting no come from my church mind at all. All my darling readers carry themselves go their villages and great-grandfather shrines go chop Christmas forget me finish. A whole me, Amebo Pulse, the same real nigger wey dey take risk go peep Tonto Dikeh for bathroom, sneak enter Don Jazzy backyard to see if him and Tiwa dey…coughs, you know na. Then fight 27 mad dogs for D’banj boys quarters just because say I go find gossip for midnight.

I don suffer for una, but not one of you all could spare me some chicken thigh, pina colada, and fresh Kunu. Nobody even bordered to send me an email to say ‘Amebo, more yeye to your hustle.” Una no try.

Anyhow sha, I forgive una. It’s a new year, and since I don’t want to give myself bad luck from Amadioha, make I forgive una. This year we’re hitting the next level.  We at Amebo Pulse haff decided that we will gossip with a difference.  No bribery from all those rich celebrities, not even if Genevieve offer me kpomo. I will not gree. I must yarn their matter, and expose all their nonsense fuckups. Gbam!

This is 2014, Amebo Pulse has reached version 2.0. Amebo Pulse Reloaded! Let’s start this with a bang.

Linda Ikeji & Yvonne Nelson Battle Over Iyanya

You see as winch dey use pursue person? You see why I no gree date any fine celebrity?  U see?

When Iyanya body been dey sweet am during that time wey him and that Ghana actress, Yvonne Nelson dey do waka waka, touch-me-I-touch-u, kiss-me-I-kiss-you, him no sabi say him go pay.

Since he broke up with the girl, na so so trouble the pikin dey cause. She don run round the world dey cry say Iyanya still dey with her medicine. I wonder if she’s ‘arse-matic’, and whether Iyanya na doctor.  Well, 2014 is still young, and the actress slim body has begun to scratch her again. Instead of taking paracetamol and Hennessy to calm her spirit, she took to Linda Ikeji to blow lie that she and the sexy bobo wanted to act a movie. One sweet movie like that wey Iyanya go dey touch her body, dey sweetie her, dey tell her say na she be the only bend-down select in his Yaba market. After that, she denied it, and began to fight Linda wey publish the story. All of these just to remind Iyanya say she still dey o”.

Trust Iyanya na. The young singer simply asked for his BB charger, take White London, light him cigar, bone him face, and bite him chicken. This is a new year. Him and Yvonne Nelson far like Tonto Dikeh and church.

Well, we at Amebo haff pitied Yvonne. As she fine reach, her body dey scratch her like fly. I recommend her to Yaba left, where she’ll find love among people who read their magazines upside down. Iyanya don dey make her kolo, so she deserves mad love. Make she leave Iyanya alone. No be him fault say him sabi do the thing like Amebo Pulse.

Let her go look for her own.. Amebo Pulse too no go do. Except she asks me politely with that her sweet voice. Amebo Pulsie darling, would you please be my lawfully wedded doctor, and give me my medicine 15 times daily?

Yes I do!

Banky W Rejects Booby

Let’s call a spade a spade. All men like Booby. Whether na Amebo Pulse o, or Obama,  or Banky W, as long as you have a pair of balls, and like women, you must like Booby too.

So when last week Banky W rejected a picture that shows him sucking a big booby with another woman sucking the other booby, I began to scratch my head, and rushed to give my life to Christ. Because only 2 things can make a man reject good big, fat booby. One is that he is gay, and the other is because it is the end time. So I gave my life to Christ waited for 2 minutes to see if rapture will happen. Trust Baba J, the guy no gree blow trumpet come down. So I walked away to go check if Banky W head dey correct.

How will he reject such a fine booby. Even if the booby dey for picture. How!

Well Banky strong mind deny say no be him dey suck that booby. I begin dey wish say I be Banky. D’banj for no reject that booby. Jim Iyke for no reject am. Even D’Prince and his bananas will buy a goodybag for that good booby, and celebrate with a stupid song. But Banky W did reject the booby of life.

This world go soon end. Let’s hope God forgives him for rejecting that big thing. Amen.

Boat Cruise Wahala

No be today wey me and all my family members don dey jolly for Apapa wharf with my fishing boat. It’s so much fun. Na so so heavy son dey hammer us, and dry fish wey we dey chop. Life sweet like tombo. But it appears that our Nigerian celebrities have begun to jealousy me. Just because say them get money pass me, them no gree use boat. All of them ran down to rent that white fine boat called yatch, then go Apapa  begin dey do me long-throat.

Dr. Sid and his fine fiancée, Simi Osomo took a yatch to go play love. Tiwa Savage and her black husband, Tunji Balogun, follow join too, that their love na Shakespeare write am. Na so so dance dance. When dey dance finish, T-billz will begin to grab Tiwa’s sebooty. Well wetin concern me. Na him wife, if him like, he’ll go to the bank and insure Tiwa’s arse for a billion dollars. That way when he grabs, he’ll be grabbing his billion dollar asset.

Next on the yacht wahala, is the cramp twins, Peter & Paul Okoye. Both of them after singing like their voices were on holiday during the GLO CAF Awards, they have actually decided to go on holiday. They packed their wife and baby mamas, and a container of foreign condoms, and decided to disturb my peace at Apapa.

They are on vacation, all of them. And I begin to wonder who ring the Yacht bell to tell them say time don reach. Abi na joblessness?

God dey. This year, me too go carry one big Ashawo from Empire, then go yachting too. We must follow yacht. We all!

I haff tire, see you next week.