Dear Bukky,

I reside in Lagos. Nigeria.

I have a guy in my life. We started dating in 2015. We were together until he cheated in 2016… I found out and left his house with [all my stuff].

He apologised and I forgave him and we were back together. We stayed together for months in his house. My parents were not aware. Then in April of this year, he cheated again. I was in the house and he left me to hang out with another girl and also spent the night with her.

I found out and I left his house with my belongings and some of his valuables i.e his gold necklaces and some money.

After I left his house with those things, he began to look for me, always calling to know where I was and begging me to return those things but I didn’t oblige.

I didn’t pick up these phones. He was devastated. I later gave him back his necklaces but I had already spent the money.

Meanwhile, before all of this happened, he had been in regular contact with one of his childhood female friends who was always calling him.

So on the day I gave him back those things we spent the night together [and made up] although I noticed that this childhood friend of his was still calling him repeatedly. I asked him questions and he told me that he had feelings for her.

The feelings started when I left with his valuables and she was always calling him to know how he was doing because he had recently lost his dad.

The communication had led to the feelings.

She is not in Lagos but most times, when I’m with my man at his place, she’s always calling and he sometimes pick the calls in private or just ignore them.

I’m just wondering now; is he with me because he loves me or because he's just scared of what I might do to him if he leaves me again.

I know that when I left his house with those things, his friends told him all kinds of things.

When our relationship was fine, whenever I go back home he travels down to my house to see me. But he has never travelled to see this girl.

Does he still love me but is scared? I need answers please.______________________________

There is an easy way to clear one’s doubts – ask questions – and this is exactly what I suggest.

Just go on and ask him what’s up. Communicate with him. He’s your man, right? Then you should not be worrying and wondering in silence when you can literally sit him down and have a conversation about all of this.

See, sometimes we fear the answers that some questions will bring, so we don’t bother asking them and this is pretty sad because until we ask and get the truth, uncertainty will persist.

I wouldn’t want to live in uncertainty when there is a chance to know where I stand in someone’s life.

In your case, ask what your boyfriend wants -  you or the other woman?

And you have to give him the opportunity to come out clean because complete honesty from him is what you need even if you won’t like the things he might reveal.

If not for anything, at least, for the chance to know where you really stand in his life.

Does he still love you at all? If yes, is he scared for some reason?

Is something holding him back from expressing that love? What can you do or stop doing to make things better? What would you want him to do to make your relationship better?

There’s only one way to know these things – communicate with that man._________________

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