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We speak to a 30-year-old man in today's episode and he talks us through his first relationship with a young woman who was slightly older than him, and how the best parts of his love and sex life has followed that pattern since then.

When was the first time you ever had a crush on someone?

2003 I think. We had just gotten to SS1 and there was this girl in my class. I thought she was gorgeous AF. Looking back now, that was one of the stupidest things I might have done in my life.

Ahahn. Why?

Bruh. I saw that babe about 7 years after secondary school and I mentally berated myself for ever tripping for her. See ehn, I was young, blind and stupid. Let’s just say my idea of beauty has greatly evolved from when I was a 13-year-old.

How old are you now?

I’ll be 30 in October.

A whole 17 years ago

Yeah. It still hurts that the younger me allowed that kind of babe use him to catch cruise. That innocent moron actually bought a cute card, wrote nice things and the babe rejected it. She didn’t even collect it to see all his 13-year-old hard work. She just took a look at it and told the person that went to deliver it that she didn’t want.

Lmaoooo. No vex.

Yeah yeah. I hope she’s having a bad day wherever she is sha.

Hahaha. Na wa. Away from the first crush. When was your first relationship?

It’s a little complicated.

How so?

I don’t like considering my first relationship as my first relationship. I was 17 going on 18, waiting to gain admission. She was 7 months older than me. We dated for about 7 months but we barely used to see each other because my parents made me move to a relative’s place to concentrate on studying for JAMB.

ALSO READ: Reminisce says he met his wife during JAMB classes in 1997

So you don’t consider it a relationship because you barely saw each other?

Well, yeah. I know it sounds a little weird because long distance relationships exist and stuff -

Exactly!

Ok then. I guess I finally have to make peace with the fact that that was indeed my first relationship.

You don’t sound very pleased with the idea. Was it that bad?

Actually it wasn’t o. Don’t mind me.

Ok, you know what? Tell me about her. Tell me about the relationship.

We met in church. We used to attend one Foursquare church then. Her family was one of those families that didn’t like mixing with others. I think it was because they were quite rich. They just come, worship and leave. I still think her father was a haughty snob sha but that’s another gist entirely.

One time like that sha, we had this huge teenagers event in church and she came around. That was how we became friends and things just naturally proceeded from there after few months of sending text messages to each other.

Smooth. So you didn’t have to make a move on her?

Nope. We both did ushering and that was the connection point.

Ah. I see.

Yeah. She liked me sha. I am sure of that because she didn’t hide it and she also told me eventually. And I kinda liked her too but majorly because she had these really nice breasts. I was what? 17 or so, and those were the most majestic pair I had seen at the time. Don’t blame me, fam. Being the horny fool that I was at the time, with raging hormones and stuff, I had no problem with being her ‘boyfriend’. And honestly, she was also a nice person. Soft spoken, a little shy, laughs easily, amazing babe actually.

Oh, and one more thing - it was fascinating to me that someone older than me would like me that much, even if it was just 7months difference. Lol. It felt really good at the time.

Tell me the most memorable thing you still remember from the relationship

Hahaha. Off the top of my head? The first time we made out to the point of taking off each other’s tops. Omo, I see bobby, I shock. Don't forget I was 17, faced with 18-year-old, pretty dark boobs with darker areolas. It's honestly the first thing that naturally comes to mind whenever I think of her

So much details.

Lol. I'm sorry but you asked.

No lele.

And you know what's funny, this happened in a friend's house. I literally stabbed tutorials, entered like 4 buses just to go and see her and do shinor. Mind you, this was in our area and if anyone who could tell my folks had seen me, I'd have been in soup. She also had to cook up a lie to get out of their house. We hadn't seen in a long time sha and she wanted to see me so I had to.

Things we do for love

I know right.

How did you guys break up?

We both gained admission. She got Unilag and I got Uniben. We just decided to end it. Via phonecall. MTN XtraCool. In hindsight, it was pretty mature. I think it was what we both wanted at that point. In the 7 months or so we were together, we didn't use to see so much because, as I said, I left the neighborhood. We already drifted apart so much that trying to stay connected as the physical distance widened just didn't make any sense.

Let's back up a little and talk about sex for a bit.

Ok.

Tell me about your first kiss.

I honestly can't remember it. But I know my first kiss wasn't with her sha.. I must have kissed few people before her. I remember I'd been kissed by one girl in JSS3 and I was so angry.

Ahahn. Why?

That girl no fine at all. We were on break one day and she just planted her lips on mine. It was very very brief obviously but I hated her for a long time.

God. I sound like a drama queen right now

Lmaoooo. Naah. It's Ok.

You know, thinking about it now, I think she was my first kiss o. Imagine. My first kiss was stolen from me by a girl I didn't like. Women are scum.

First time you had sex?

That was stolen from me too. I remember very, very well. It was with a bigger cousin living with us. I was like 5 or 6. She must have been at least 10 years older than me.

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thanks man. I only remember few things about my childhood. Scanty memories from here and there. I wish this wasn't one of them.

I'm so sorry man. Did you tell your folks?

They don't know till now. No one knows. Last time I saw that cousin, she remarked to my mum that I was such a big handsome boy now. This was maybe 7 or 8 years ago. Thankfully she's not that close to our family anymore. She thinks I've forgotten. But I haven't.

Ok on to something apart from sex -

Guy, ask your questions jor. No problem. I'm good.

Ok. Wanted to ask if your parents taught you about sex before this your first relationship?

No o. Those ones that beat me when they heard that I told a girl in JSS3 that I loved her? If I hear say they teach you about sex. My pops' only sex ed was 'you better don't impregnate any girl and think you have a place to bring her to. I'll disown you.'

Sounds familiar.

Loool. You know. In a way it affected me sha. Didn't have sex till I got to 400L in uni. Did everything except sex for so long. I was cool with getting orgasms in any way so far it didn't involve penetration.

So you didn't have sex with that your first babe.

Nah. We only did anything sexual few times. We weren't seeing that much o. Maybe that was why that time in my friend's house stuck. It was the farthest we went sef. We just used to kiss small small every other time.

If you could go back in time, would you do that relationship again?

Ah. Me I don't know what I'd do if I went back in time o. I mean, I'd be 17 again, right? See I really can't tell what a 17 year old me would do. I was a totally different person then with loads of erratic, spontaneous decisions.

What relationship ideas did you have as a 17-year-old that you are now ashamed of?

Errrr. Let me see. None, really. I’ve always been a kind, sympathetic person even as a child. So I’ve always kind of soaked up the fairest ways to deal with everyone, including babes. I was a little too randy at 17 sha but that is excusable, I think.

Do you think that this idea that people never forget and never stop loving their first love is only something of a woman’s sentimentality? Or are men just as marked for life by the influence of their first relationship?

Of course, everyone never forgets their first love, I think. But remaining in love with them? Maybe not. But it’s a sentimental thing for everyone in my opinion.

Fair enough. What would this 30-year-old version of you do differently in that relationship?

See her more often. Doesn’t matter what I’d need to do, I’d see her a lot more often. We didn’t spend time together at all. And of course, I could have tapped that ass a lot more. What a waste.

Are you still in touch with her?

Ah. 13 years till now? No o. But last I heard of her from a friend, she's married and has like 2 kids already. This was maybe 4 or 5 years ago.

And you?

Me? Still out here chilling. Marriage is the farthest thing on my mind right now. But I do have a girlfriend.

Happy couple sharing a smile [Credit: Dean Mitchell  Getty]
Happy couple sharing a smile [Credit: Dean Mitchell Getty]

How many relationships have you had after her?

Just two. Still in the second one. Since 2016.

Tell me something you took from that first relationship.

That I like older women. I didn't know it at the time but as I grew up and met several other babes, I just kinda vibed better with the ones that are older than me. I had a thing with a girl that was like 8 months older than me. Also one other time, I had an on-and-off thing with one that was 3 years older. But I have always imagined being with someone significantly older.

How older?

Like 10 years. That'd be someone in her early 40s or late 30s. Anything from 38 sounds fabulous though.

Is there any reason for that?

Sometimes, I think I can't explain it but I think I'm actually just drawn to them. 30+ as they say on Twitter these days. They are my spec now because obviously I am 30 too. And in my experience, it's easier to date and be happy with mature women. I know maturity doesn't come with age, but all the ones I've met o, they have it in abundance and I've enjoyed my time with them.

So your present babe is significantly older than you?

Sadly, no. She's only one and half years older than me.