From a week brimming with headlines, scandals, and the odd shit-smudging, Pulse.ng’s Joey Akan walks through them all, shedding extra light, analysis, and maybe, discovering the solution to world peace.
Abacha’s Ghost Will Never Rest In Peace
Although he’s been dead for the better part of a decade and half, the ghost of Late Sani Abacha still haunts Nigeria. With each mention of that name, a greater percentage of the Nigerian Citizenry still shudders in trepidation.
And it’s with good reason. Abacha’s reign was straight up from a classic fiction novel of wanton tyranny and military dictatorship. Only this time, it was grounded in reality. During his ghastly rein, Abacha stole enough funds to ruin Africa, killed a galaxy of star citizens, operated a terrorist and propaganda machine that was impressive in its ruthlessness, and terrifying in its executions.
With his sudden death, peace and recuperation came to Nigeria, and many would rather wish his memory away. But no. his ghost still walks the earth. This week its presence was ever so strongly felt. It was awakened, by…guess who…Goodluck Jonathan.
I share a name with the President of this great country. But that I am not proud of. Of all his indiscretions, the greatest of his misdeeds to me, is how he single-handedly made the name ‘Jonathan’ move from funny to distasteful. That’s why I became ‘Joey Akan’, instead of Jonathan Akan. I hope, one day, I might forgive the Bayelsan democrat for that.
This week Jonathan gave an award to Abacha, which the righteous and ‘weirdly-bearded’ literature giant, Wole Soyinka found offensive. It moved him so deeply that he had to take time off from communing with the departed spirits of Shakespeare and Chinua Achebe, to write an inspiteful peace.
The Abachas found this offensive and replied with a far more impressive piece, which somehow alerted the US Government, and they seized more of the never-ending Abacha loot. If only Sadiq Abacha (his eloquent son) had showed some restraint to Wole Soyinka, they would never be $489 million poorer.
God I love America. They have good timing.
Time heals all, and I believe someday Abacha’s name will be fit only as fireplace fables to thrill my chubby grandkids. But that process will only be sped up, if Jonathan doesn’t get bored from all that stressful ‘Presidential’ stuff, and tries to build him a gold stature.
I hope his wife cheats on him with sexy old Mugabe, and gives him enough headaches to distract him from his villain worship.
Obesere Might Not Have Raped That Girl…But He Sure Looks Guilty
Our darling fuji artiste, Obesere is not Nigeria’s darling anymore. Somewhere in Lagos, there is a woman with a loud mouth, and an aching heart, who believes he forcefully, had access to her vagina.
Let’s consider the details of the story carefully before we proceed. Obesere had a friend who is female, aged 29, and does business in Lagos. Obesere is an entertainer, mid-age, wealthy, and spots a guilty look.
Obesere’s friend visited him at his home, where they both had sexual intercourse. Problem is the lady thinks she was violated, not only by Obesere’s penis, but his ring which he inserted into her vagina, causing her to bleed incessantly. Obesere thinks he did nothing. The lady thinks he did something evil. She has the ears of the police and the public, and Obesere has the ears of the public, the police and his fans.
But it all doesn’t matter.
I for one have a strong feeling that a crime was commited. It’s my gut talking here. Not because I hate Obesere’s looks (Yes, I don't like his looks), but because his public defense makes no case. When held up against each other, the lady’s case contains discrepancy, but it feels real. Obesere’s sounds like desperate fiction. And I don't blame him.
In Obesere’s defence, he concedes to have slept with the lady, which in itself is an admission of guilt to a moral and religious crime – fornication. When isolated, fornication is no crime, but it’s a distant and legal cousin to rape. A crime can only be so near when its cousin has been conceived and committed.
Obesere has made no mention of his shiny ring, which somehow needed a warm taste of his businesswoman friend…and allegedly got it. Instead he brings in the name of an unknown Alhaja, and blames his enemies for this development. Worse still, he calls himself a child and messenger of God.
I have a sneaky feeling as I write this piece that God is frowning at you, Obesere. His holy kin and servants do not have sex with strange women. They rebuke the temptation and flee. Ring and all.
The public seem to have taken the side of the lady. Who wouldn’t? Obesere is big and easy. She is the underdog. A small and unpopular woman, who has suffered hemorrhage, and received death threats.
In the end, I feel the truth will be aired, and if Obesere is innocent, he need not worry. Justice will be served. But while we wait for justice, Obesere and his accused ring should be kept away from women. He is a child of God.
AMVCA: Nigeria’s Last Stand at Creative Transparency
Oh! Is that fresh air that swept across the Nigerian movie industry and rewarded many a talented and passionate thespian?
I think it is.
For many years, creative awards in Nigeria has been the cause of more sadness and controversy than joy. It has been used as a for-profit avenue for revenue, nepotism, and bias. Being under the influence of sponsors, the government, and the organizers’ whims.
The Nigerian Music Video Awards (NMVA) is a soulless tool. Africa Movie Academy Awards (AMAA) is seen as mediocre and political, Nigerian Music Awards (NMA) is held in a distant land where only a select few are given the honours. The Hip Hop World Awards (The Headies), bucked this trend and stayed objective until last year, where reports of favoritism and sponsor-determined winners, shook its credibility.
Only the Africa Magic Viewers’ Choice Awards (AMVCA) stayed true. Born out of the rotting embers of the AMAA, the awards seemed like a breath of fresh air, when its maiden edition gave honour to the deserved. This year was no different.
Actor Tope Tedela, Director Walt ‘WaltBanger’ Taylaur, the comic Funke Akindele, and a lot of deserved winners did smile genuinely and happily when they all climbed the stage to claim their awards.
I am exceptionally happy for Tope Tedela, who is humble and talented, and Waltbanger whose intelligence is overwhelming and also humble.
Thank you AMVCA for being our last stand at credibility. I hope others find you worthy of emulation. Nigeria is proud of you.