“I Am A Proud Lagos Illiterate”

Lagos state is one of the most hyped cities in the world, and the reasons aren’t hard to see. Look around and you will see millions of people rushing with purpose and speed, like they are headed to heaven…or hell. I think it’s hell.

This densely populated city is known for a number of things, good and bad, which the world has played up and amplified to a level of no return with benefits and downsides. Take for example, investment. This city alone accounts for a huge amount of Nigeria’s GDP, and expenditure too. All the money we make in this city gets to go straight to Agberos, Omo N’ile (territorial Agberos), Owambes, and crazy bottles of Ciroc and Hennessy…and the toilet.

One other reason why Lagos is so hyped is the literacy level. We have an astounding amount of technocrats and intelligent people that if you drive around and search random people’s IQ, and education level, you will have enough science, knowledge and wisdom to cure Ebola and its younger sibling, HIV/AIDS.

But what those records fail to tell you is this; Lagos Stae, my dear darling Eko, has one of the highest number of illiterate people in an urban mega centre. And even as I battle to deal with them on a daily level, my latest encounter with them proved something to me and almost killed me: Lagos Illiterates Are Proud.

On Sunday, I was bored, so I took a drive down to Langbasa in Ajah, and while walking and taking photos, I stumbled upon a man by a dump site, trying to create a sign post. Turns out the powers that be find the refuse dump land lucrative, and had the bright idea of selling the rubbish at a good price. The first step to doing it will be to stop the dumping of refuse.

I walked past and greeted, and something caught me. His placard read: DONT DOMP REFUCE HERE ORDER BY LAN LORDS.

Taboo!

I being the busybody and English writer that I am, decided to lend a helping hand and point out the obvious flaws in his use of English.

“Bros How Far”, I began, arranging a long speech about getting your spellings right and communicating the good way. “Your spellings on that notice, they are incorrect”.

He just kept silent and stared at me, while I launched into my full speech. I gave him a 10-minute lecture about spellings and communication and how the correct spellings should be: Don’t Dump Refuse Here. Order By Landlord. I was out of breath when I concluded, breathing heavily with passion, and the good weight of educating another person.

My student, looked at me all through the lecture. He never flinched or showed excitement nor disgust. All he did was basically listen and maintain a vacant stare.

“So what do you think?” I asked. “You should change it now before people start to see it. Don't fall your hand”.

“Ogbeni,”, he replied. “ As long as you understand say na wetin I dey talk be this, I no know wetin concern you”

“Who you be sef?” Wetin be your name? Why you dey form Americana dey talk plenty English wey full your mouth? See as you dey find my trouble? Dem tell you say I no follow go school? Oh, you look me finish, come dey try teach me English abi? No worry, I go show you.

With that he turned, and called out.

“Taye, Aliyu, come see gbege o, Yi ọmọkunrin ti wa ni wiwa fun mi wahala Yi ọmọkunrin ti wa ni wiwa fun mi wahala" (This boy is searching for my trouble)

Just then, two huge unkept, hungry-looking boys jumped out from a nearby house and began to advance menacingly.

A silent voice spoke slowly to me: Run, Joey, Run.

I didn’t think twice. I simply obeyed. I sped off with as much speed as I could gather. Thankfully, they didn’t pursue me. I am too fat to be athletic, and if they commit as much as a half-pace in the chase, I’ll be a dead man.

That day I learnt a valuable lesson: Keep your book, in your head where it belongs, and your Americana to yourself. Don’t look for trouble with sabi sabi.

See you next week jare. Peace and good hustle.