Hi guys, here I am in Dubai, I just spent enough money to make Dangote bankrupt. These are all the bags of designer stuff I got. Once again, they cost a fortune. Gotta Instagram it for my fans. “Holla everyone, here’s my latest Birkin bag! It cost me just 10,000 dollars, and I didn’t break a sweat.” I’m a celebrity, remember?....And the list goes on.
The lives of our darling Nigerian celebrities are like endless pamphlets floating in the public wind. They are seen from all angles, and by almost every one.
They have expensive dinners, and their pamphlet, with glittery photos pops up in the news. Their siblings look handsome (or pig ugly), and we see them in pamphlets smiling right beside them. Their dog dies, and the world consoles them. The pamphlet is complete and all, with a cute little Labrador, who has the sweetest look, and most gentle soul to ever exist in Dognation. Rest in peace, Rufus. (not the local dogs oh. Celebrities do not have the stupid local breed. It’s for us mere mortals).
Even when they take a shit, the pamphlet still finds its way to us all. Sometimes we love them, other times, we despise and curse their guts. But we’re hooked. We’re safe in the knowledge that we know our celebrity habits and lifestyle, all their hangouts and friends, and if they’ve had their butts shaved and smooth.
But our Nigerian celebrities have kept the most vital pamphlet from us all. The shiny pamphlet that contains their finances. Yes, that one.
Why do they do that? It’s not because they don’t love us enough to tell us how much they made on their last show. It’s because their non-disclosure grants them leverage. Not just business leverage, but the leverage to make you all believe in every ridiculous expense they acquire. We know how new cars in futuristic models get celebrated every day. Or the daily display of the latest weirdly expensive outfit…and bags. Lots of expensive fashion bags.
Unlike our counterparts in the USA who have to deal with a more organized structure, the Nigerian celebrities have the fortune of a disorganized and poisoned system of greed, corruption and utter favoritism.
Ever heard of any celebrity held up in court for tax evasion? Of course not. And never will you hear of one, till kingdom come.
But don’t you ever wonder where all their endless money comes from? A B-list or C-grade artiste just ups and gets himself the world’s most expensive car, and we wave it away, with the caveat that “Oh nice, he’s a celebrity”. Or an artistically struggling actress or songstress appears on the tabloids with a bag expensive enough to open a factory and once again we dismiss it as a perk of being a celebrity.
Do we have some overflowing benevolent celebrity fund? Did God open his storehouse to those artistic folks alone? Does God so love the Nigerian celebrities that he gave them all a blank Cheque from his riches in glory?
I, Joey Akan, and countless other Nigerians really do doubt it.
Hate me, curse my ‘poverty’, flood the comments section with curses and criticisms (I really do appreciate), but think people, think!