Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
E no easy. Amebo has tired for 2013 sef. My people, this year will soon end, and after 11 months of sweet gossip and celebrity fights, 11 months of having to living in the perpetual fear of Tonto Dikeh’s wicked bouncer, and having to peep through Cossy Orjiakor’s window to get blessed with milk, 11 cold months of hiding in M.I Abaga’s dog house, all because say I wan make una happy with sweet gossip.
I don tire jare. I wan chop rest. I no wan gossip for this year again. All I want is to spend my December at some village in Boko Haram village in Borno state, with my Yarinya, while we dance to the melodious sound of bombs, smoke lizard shit and weed, and drink Burukutu mixed with Alomo…of course. Alomo is my brand. You should know that, my people.
But these celebrities no gree. Them no want make I retire go jolly. Mba! They no gree. Last week dem come again to disturb my spirit. Just as my Yarinya wan give one jug of fresh Burukutu, my phone begin ring. My oga at the top begin disturb my life.
I don vex. Let’s go there. Have fun.
Mandela Goes Home
Last week, Mandela just die like that. The strong man wey don fight plenty battles, deliver his people from suffer-head parole, and almost kiss the Queen of England for backyard runs is dead. (Yes! He was the only man on earth to call Queen Elizabeth , Lizzy Baby. He inspired Wizkid.).
Mandela is dead, and on behalf of the Federal Republic of Amebo Pulse, I wish his gentle soul a happy rest.
I don’t think I’ll wish Oga GEJ the same. Until he delivers us from ASUU Strike..
Back to Gossip.
Toke Makinwa Gets The Boot
Or hasn’t it? Na this Toke gist wey make my oga at the top no allow me and my Hausa babe flex well. Na so the man just they call me anyhow. I picked the call, expecting him to tell me that he has paid my Xmas bonus into my account. For where?
My oga simply screamed, ‘ Would you get your ass down here and do justice to Toke Makinwa?’
This Oga sef. Do justice to Toke Makinwa. Abi him want make I marry her? Or go buy her flowers and chocolate, then sing Faze’s ‘Girl you need Amebo, Amebo wey go treat you right, hold you through the night.:
It’s official o. Our fine Toke Makinwa has broken up with her boyfriend Maje Ayida, after countless years of dating. Actually it’s 15 years old. Hian! This their love haff old o. in fact the love don get white dirty goatee. But then they have killed it. Toke and her boyfriend haff killed the poor love.
I don’t know what Toke and her boyfriendf have done, but for me I think they should be left alone. Their breakup is not worth the end of my honeymoon. In fact, I resign from gossip sef!. Wetin be that. Make my boss do him worst. My Hausa babe feels better than Amebo.
Toke is a good girl who’s hustling to make meaning of her life and be a wife. Maje is a big boy who is also hustling to make money, get a wife, and live happily ever after.
Whether they breakup or they break-dance, no be my business. And it shouldn’t be your business too. Love always finds a way.
And as for my boss, make him take time o. Or else what happens in Borno state will happen to him. Back to my honeymoon jare. (Screams) “Iyarinya my love, come and rub my pot belly. It is sweeting me die!”
Chris Okotie Battles The Roman Catholic Church
But no be so the thing happen.
Last Sunday, Pastor Chris Okotie received another inspirational sermon from ‘above’. The same inspiration wey tell am say make him follow join Nigerian politics and become the President. But this inspiration gets K-leg. E bend pass my big mouth. Chris Okotie, not minding say the inspiration leg no too pure, took to his church and began to preach the gospel. Below is the sum total of his sermon.
1. The Roman Catholic church no follow at all for Christianity matter. In fact, na Satan get the church.
2. The old, kind looking Pope Francis na devil pikin. Very soon, him go hala him pop man to come Rome come shayo for yonder.
3. Roman Catholic Holy Communion na lie lie. In fact, na Amadioha ritual wey the thing be. No be Baba God and Bro J wey tell them to take the Holy Communion. Na Igbo money mericine be that.
4. T.B Joshua way, no be way at all. Him own no good. The man no get NAFDAC number, so na fake wey him be. Jim Iyke deliverance na wash.
5. Anybody wey follow the Roman Catholic Church or TB Joshua gan, go miss road. Even Keke Napep no go gree carry them go heaven. They go trek go hell fire.
When me wey be Amebo Pulse hear this gist, my mouth close. This tori heavy pass my big mouth. Amen somebody!
For once Amebo Pulse no get wetin to talk. No pepper, no salt, no crayfish, nothing to add the gist, then nack to una make una flex.. Make una reason the matter on una own.
I wan follow go heaven. Trekking to Hellfire no be my portion. Gbam!
See you next week jare. Don’t forget to leave your comments, they make me fall in love. Hate me or love me, na me get this column, and una go see me again next week.