3 things you should know before you attempt 'Hebrew women delivery'

yinka ogunlami

November 28, 2016 11:32 AM

A woman has difficulties or challenges with a pregnancy. She is told to prepare for a Caesarean Section. She binds and casts the doctor to his face.

3 things you should know before you attempt 'Hebrew women delivery'

So, this is something thats amused, yet horrified me. A woman has difficulties or challenges with a pregnancy. She is told to prepare for a Caesarean Section.

She binds and casts the doctor to his face. Probably calls him an agent of darkness, who is trying to distract her from her heavenly, covenant birthright. Or some other similar balderash.

Three things to remember/bear in mind:

1. You are not Hebrew

See eh, if your name is Chioma, Bidemi, Halimatu, Efe, Ikwo, Nana or anything like that, you are not Hebrew. Stop being silly. Try to remember the conversation, in which your mother showed you your father. Identity crisis is a terrible thing to labour under. You are not Hebrew. No, you are not a spiritual Hebrew'. Just stop it, abeg; there is nothing spiritual about your delusion.

2. Trying to prove stuff to people who don't matter is a mark of self-hatred

You don't become a woman because you have given birth; if you're not already a woman (in a biological sense), you won't be able to give birth. Nobody is competing with you; ignore any voices in your head, please. You don't get any accolades or medal for giving birth vaginally.

As long as a child has an umbilical cord, it is a human child. If your child turns into an amazing, beautiful, relevant adult, nobody will ask you whether it was a vaginal delivery. Nobody will even care whether the child was adopted.

Your pastor who is telling you to ignore your doctor, is a sadist who is trying to ensure you are a maternal mortality statistic for the World Health Organisation records. See eh, when you ignore the advice of trained doctors, to go and 'travail in the presence of da lawd' (otherwise known as foolishly inducing labour in your church, surrounded by prayer warriors), they will rush your nearly dead body to the hospital, when they cannot 'pray through'. And you know in this our Nigeria, people don't sue.

They will say it is the work of the devil. Stop being your own devil. Ignore that horse-band who tells you that you should exercise faith. You will rupture your womb. Or you will die. If you're a Christian, your religion tells you that you are on your way to hell, when you commit suicide – which is what you have done. And that man gonna marry another wife, less than a year later.

3. The Hebrew women thing is a lie

This is actually the best part. For a nation as religious as Nigeria, her people are grossly, wilfully and painfully ignorant. The Bible you are carrying, but refusing to read, says that the midwives lied.

But Nigerian women who are full of self-loathing, will impute identity crises onto themselves, because they have chosen to be utterly ridiculous. Jesus will not reward your ignorance; actually, nobody will. The 'Hebrew women' thing was a lie. Don't ruin your life over a lie.

Chioma Nnani is an award-winning author, who also contributes to business, lifestyle and literary publications. One of Africa's most fearless storytellers, she is a 2016 CREATIVE AFRICAN Awards finalist in the category of “Best Fiction Writer”, and a DIVAS OF COLOUR 2016 finalist. Chioma has also been nominated twice for a UK BEFFTA (Black Entertainment Film Fashion Television and Arts) Award in the “Best Author” category, lives in Abuja, where she runs THE FEARLESS STORYTELLER HOUSE EMPORIUM LTD, can be reached on @ChiomaNnani and blogs at for which she has won a 2016 Blog of the Year BEFFTA.

yinka ogunlami