They say you should “dress for the job you want.” The same holds true in the bedroom: If you want to have good sex, you should have a good bed.
You’re going to have to do some pretty extravagant foreplay to make sure she doesn’t refer to you as “air mattress guy” forevermore.
Make sure you’re not violating any of these bed deal breakers.
Make sure your bed is a bed.
While there’s something endearingly manly about a haphazard sleeping situation, like an air mattress, a futon, or that pair of Therm-a-rests I slept on once (God bless you, you beautiful mountain man), those set-ups will only take you so far. You should have a real mattress. Now that the mattress industry has been once-, twice-, thrice-disrupted, mattresses are more affordable and more comfortable than ever.
Have a proper bed frame.
Those low-to-the-ground platform beds from Ikea and Urban Outfitters may look sleek and may be inexpensive, and they definitely don’t squeak as much as four-legged bed frames. But! While trendy, they limit the range of available edge-of-the-bed sex positions.
Get a firm(ish) mattress.
As comfortable as Memory Foam and its ilk may be for sleeping, changing sex positions or establishing a sexy rhythm on a Memory Foam mattress is like swimming in pudding. Historically, mattress shoppers have had to choose between marvelous, slightly bouncy sex on a firm mattress and an enveloping night’s sleep on a foamy one. Now most of the new mattress startups have options that fall somewhere in-between, so get thee a mattress that can do both. The Leesa, for example, is a foamy mattress that is not so quicksand-like that it’s difficult to move in.
Have lots of sheets.
The most expensive, high-quality sheets on the market have no power over me if they’re dirty. Cleanliness trumps thread count every time. No, women aren’t whipping out a blacklight and studying your bed, but we notice when your sheets are yellowed by years of sweat or stained by more sinister fluids.
You’re not getting away with anything by opting for dark sheets, either: Dark sheets just make us wonder what you’re trying to hide. There is no greater aphrodisiac than clean, crisp sheets, so make sure you have a few sets in rotation.
The linen sheets from Huddleson are particularly dreamy, but also particularly expensive. As a compromise, consider buying one fancy sheet set for when you’re anticipating a sexy guest, and one or two cheaper sets for when you’re not trying to impress anyone.
Retire your pillows.
After a few years, pillows start to smell, and not in the sexy pheremonal way: They start to smell like fermented drool. Some sleep experts suggest you should replace your pillows every year (or even every six months, if you’re buying cheap polyester pillows.) We’re not going to do that-pillows are really expensive-but each pillow should be replaced at leastevery few years. Or sooner, if something catastrophic happens to it.
Go as big as possible.
I’ll forgive a man a full-size bed because I own a full bed, but it is barely acceptable: I often feel like I’m going to fall off my bed mid-coitus. Queen-size is better, and king-size is best.
You know what they say about guys with big beds. ("He had a giant bed!")