I Love When Friends Bail on Me. Here's Why.

But . . . why the JOBCO ( joy of being canceled on)? Do I have undiagnosed social anxiety and feel relieved that I dont have to perform? (I dont think so.) Do I just have JOMO, the joy of missing out? (Nah, I actually want the appointment to happen.) Or has my brain become so accustomed to my being overscheduled that its engaged in a stress response, as Duke University neuroscientist and Mens Health Advisory Board member P. Murali Doraiswamy, M.D., suggested to me? Too many meetings can worsen time pressure and push the brain into a state of learned helplessness, especially if we are on the receiving end of work. Or perhaps Im actually angry. According to psychiatrist Drew Ramsey, M.D., also an MH advisor, the relief may mask the hostility and resentment I feel because all the time I spent preparing for the meeting has been disrespected. Youve been prepping for the last few days in your mind, right? And now it doesnt matter. And if youre dealing with a chronic canceler, neither do you.

Maybe? Even so, it wouldnt offend me, because relief is all I feela minor ecstasy. Which is why I dont feel so bad about canceling on other people. I figure Im giving them a gift. Even if Im canceling five times in two months, like I did with food and restaurant publicist Jesse Gerstein, whom Ive known for more than ten years. Jesses one of my favorite people. He never seems like hes selling me anything. And he asks me to lunch (always at one of the amazing restaurants he represents: il Buco, the Modern, Sfoglina) without any clear agenda. Jesse has asked me to lunch even when Ive been between jobs. He spent one lunch trying to figure out what my next job should be. (Hes a solid guy whom no one should ever cancel on.)

Man texting in the city BusinessInsider USA Images

Recently, Jesse asked me to dinner. We settled on a date, and then a couple of days before, I had to cancel. It was fine, Jesse said. When I canceled again (this time for lunch), he said that was fine, too. When I canceled for a fifth time, he said it was fine!

But was it?

Id be lying if I said I never feel relieved when somebody cancels, Jesse told me. But it depends on when people cancel, and it depends on what theyre canceling for. I go out a lot, so the chance to be home with my kids and on my couch eating takeout Chinese is not always a bad thing.

What did he think when I kept canceling?

Were the most overplanned, overstretched, overcommitted society. Sometimes people just want a night off, and its nothing personal. I just want to get something back on the books.

The books. Ive always hated the books. The relationship schedules. The calendars of interaction. The books keep trying to organize and order my friendshipsboth personal and professional. When someone cancels, things get disordered back to a more natural state, marked by flexibility and nimbleness. Freedom! And victory. It feels like I scored a last-second goal. And the books lose.

My interview with Jesse about this whole thing never made it to the books. It happened because I sent him a text asking if he had some time to meet up this week. His response was efficient, elegant, and honest: Now?

Now?!

We did it live. We met up at a bar right then and had a great chat. It was organic and human. And productive. Were overscheduled and overplanned, and were looking for more time, and were looking for it now. Doesnt matter if were getting out of something or getting into something. The relief might be that we get to experience right now in an immediate way.

Now? Now is perfect.