After 2016 showed us that recession is actually a word, we want to show you how to make yahoo money in 2017.
Nowadays, hustle is just another name for hard work, you can ‘hustle’ like a donkey and still go to bed hungrier than when you woke.
While I was growing up, I would tell my mum that I wanted to become a pilot so I could fly to other countries and make the kind of money that doesn’t finish and she would massage my morale with quotes like ‘If you can work hard and believe in God, anything is achievable’.
I’m considerably grown now, and nobody has time to massage anything. It’s almost like money is fighting with the streets of Lagos. Nobody checks their bank account balance anymore, mostly because it is somewhat connected to their blood pressure.
Everybody is broke, except Yahoo boys.
Those young brothers operate in a completely different economy. They laugh while the rest of us consider what kind of life we’re living. They oppress common folks at every chance they get.
Now small and medium scale Yoruba demons and baby boys have to set up a planning committee before they hit the club because you’ll be jejely sipping the Jack Daniels that God has blessed you with when all the lights will go off because one small black boy has bought 12 bottles of Moet.
Let’s be honest, it takes a lot of work not to want to be like these guys. Don’t you just wish you could throw money away like that? In the spirit of the season, we’ve decided to help you.
Being an original Yahoo Boy takes a lot of work, but to make it easy, we’ve made a list of what sets you apart from an ordinary hustler. You can finally be on your way to your one Million dollar dream.
Come, Western Union is waiting for you.
Steve Jobs really didn’t know what boys would use these phones to do when he was designing them. As a yahoo boy, your iPhone is your office, your personal assistant and your secretary. It is your tool to talk to and chat with the unfortunate people you call your clients. Somehow, it is also your ID card.
Even if Samsung makes an Android phone that takes clear pictures from 16 kilometres away, please understand you’re not allowed to use another type of phone. This is not the time to be a fan of good technology. Who technology epp?
The only time you’re allowed to change your phone is when a new iPhone comes out. It’s that simple.
God forbid that you are a yahoo boy and you don’t have gold. It is not a fashion statement; to be honest, you don’t really have to like it.
You can start with a gold watch; for someone who has big yahoo boy dreams, that should be light work. But as soon as you get money, calculate the number of grammes that your balance can buy and claim the thickest gold chain you can afford.
This thing is a major key because you will be shocked when you go out with your dry neck to hang out with other ‘hustlers’ like yourself and the downgrading starts coming from left, right and centre.
Make sure you wear this chain at all times to avoid embarrassment from ‘smellos’. It is also advisable to dedicate a full Instagram post to it so that the haters can be aware that you have finally arrived.
Remember those days when you used your Instagram account to share your favourite moments - when every picture was a story of your experiences with the people you love. Don’t you miss them?
Those days have passed away. If you are very wise, you will even start by deleting all those God-forsaken pictures of you and your hostel mates fooling yourselves in University. Every picture you upload now must have meaning; either you or another hustler just bought something new or you just went somewhere you thought you’d never go in your life.
In order to inspire other hustlers like yourselves all around the world, you should also add a motivational speech as your caption. Something like ‘Today is the Tomorrow You Worried about Yesterday’ or ‘Don’t worry about the sleepless nights, the money’s coming in the morning’.
Don’t be selfish with the success you’re praying for.
It’s a Friday night and you’re in the corner of the VIP section of a popular club in Lagos Island. You catch glances from the girls your guys have brought with them - they're admiring your chains while you sip fine brandy with cranberry. At one point, you notice two peasants in the same section order a bottle of champagne and you decide - the time is right.
You raise two fingers up to get the waitress’ attention and gesture for her to come over. She moves to your table, bends over with a smile and you whisper, “6 bottles of Belaire Rose”. She looks at you with something like adoration and respect as she sways into the crowd.
Moments later, you see sparkling lights in the near distance, the whole room goes dark and the national anthem of bottle service comes on - Undertaker’s familiar bell from the WWE.
As the hype man starts shouting your name, you take the first of the bottles and pop it on anybody in sight. Yes, I know half of everything will spill all over the floor but nobody must know you’re not happy about it. Smile like the happy rich man you’re supposed to be and pop as many bottles for as long as you can.
This is probably the last qualification that will enter your CV, because it’s really reserved for the big boys - the people that have become big enough for others to make songs about them.
It will take months of sleepless nights, bank visits and self-motivation before your hustle can reach the level of the Black Mercedes. But when you eventually get it, my brother, you must enjoy it. Drive it everywhere. Your feet must never touch the pavement again. Even when you want to get something by the roadside, just park beside them and press the horn. They will see the greatness and understand.
Hopefully, by the time, you gather all these things, the ancestors of your father’s house will locate you and the eyes of the EFCC and SARS will have finally rested on you.
Understand that criminal enrichment can only be a shortcut, one that always has its consequences. Still, you have our encouragement to put your hustle in whatever helps you sleep at night. You’ll be okay in the end.