Amebo Pulse: Jim Iyke-Chan’s Lies, 7 Wonders Of Nigerian Entertainment, And The Shroud Of Iyanya

Life has new meaning for me. Away with all the religions and philosophies, to blazers with all my education (the school wey my papa force me to go. Wicked man.) and tush philosophies, forget all the heart-broken girls wey wan chop my small pay, even shun all my nigger friends wey I dey follow pursue woman. Deep down inside me is a small boy, a soul craving for acceptance. A tiny rat just screaming for love. And this week, I received plenty of sweet loving. From who? From my loving snobbish celebrities. They just became my best friends. Una wan know how? Oya listen.

Weird Mc, that fine woman (wey resemble man), retweeted me. Alabai nodded at me and smiled. Thank God. I smoked weed with Brymo, had a loving fight with Jim Iyke (although bandage dey my head now). Went shopping with Tiwa Savage, received a new staff from Don Jazzy, and finally, Wizkid flash me..er, Sorry, he dropped a missed call. Can you all see the love? I’m like a man reborn. I no wan do amebo again, I wan become pastor, I want go heaven…but. MAN MUST CHOP! Amebo must talk. So therefore, let’s go there!

Jim Iyke And Delilah!

Before we start this story, let’s take time out to read this death warrant.

Keturah Hamilton, Model, Actress, and Ex-Fiancée of Jim Iyke is ready to tell the real story after the Jim Iyke Unscripted show that was aired on April 17, 2013.

In a world where reality shows are an “In-thing” and bad behavior becomes the A.M. topic to cover, leave it to Jim Iyke Unscripted or better said the “_Scripted_” show to deliver real life drama. The episode that aired on April 17, 2013, did not disappoint the viewers who were glued to their TV’s watching Keturah Hamilton’s role that was none the less excellent! She was really able to bring her character to the next level of entertainment.

Keturah Hamilton had acted out an edgy script of jealousy and rage towards Jim Iyke, that was delivered as well as any actress in Hollywood. Keturah was so good that even her fans were astonished to see how well she acted and was able to challenge Jim on his bad behavior. Boldly, Jim gave Keturah the opportunity to exit the reality show based on the controversial episode. Even though a pre-recorded version of “Kiss and Make-up” was on stand-by to be aired, Keturah already had made her decision.

For the time being, Jim Iyke and Keturah Hamilton are no longer together because in reality, Jim’s bad boy behavior was just too overwhelming for the reality star. Keturah has decided to move on to the bigger and better things that her heart has long been looking to do. She quotes, “I wish Jim well on his show and hope that he matures into the man I always wanted him to be!”

Keturah is currently in a new, reality-based show called “”. We will see more of Keturah Hamilton on the big screen and on other future projects on the works because as they say, “It’s not over until the fat lady sings!”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Agbero and Ashawo, guyman and runs-girl, Ajebutter and Ajegunle-kpako. Take a deep breath and relax that your itchy fingers. This is one touching story. Say a prayer for Keturah Hamilton, the Jamaican ex-fiancée of Jim Iyke, because what she has just done successfully is not to expose the mumu that Jim Iyke took us for. She did that, and we at Amebo, on behalf of all the shocked fans, are grateful for your bravery. But you did one more thing. You just signed your death warrant. And stamped it. Why? Because the Jim Iyke I know is NOT a forgiving man. The guy go catch you. And when he does, only God go save you.

I’ve never been one to like Jim Iyke. The guy too like fight. Him no like quarrel o, he just wants to fight. Like he was put on this earth and was commanded: “ Jim, go ye into Naija and multiply all the broken heads.” The guy like fight pass sex. True talk! Everytime you see Jim, he’s always staring menacingly at you, like you owe him a pound of beating. And he’s going to collect it. Do you know his favorite hobby is karate?

Jim Iyke-Chan, the legend of Karate.

With all of these traits, I wonder wetin any girl wey her mama give sex education (as in the difference between male and female, not the other way in), go carry her shakara go find Jim Iyke-Chan. Even if he drives a Hummer 10, uses a Blacberry Z99, and sprays Heaven & Gabbana (bought directly from paradise), no girl in her right senses suppose gree. But una know the country where we dey. Hunger bad o! But even at that, girls no gree settle with the man. Every girl wey come, she go do chop and go. Chop the guy money like rat, then run.

So Jim Iyke had to travel abroad to look for love. Since Nigerian girls no wan die, he travelled to Jamaica. That country wey their national flower na marijuana, and the most popular food is called Weed-soup (Ganja-soup). So you can imagine the joy our brother felt when he finally met his kind: Weed smokers and Career Mad-men. He was received with a smoking ceremony, with plenty reggae singing. So while leaving, he took home Keturah Hamilton. At first, their love been over-shack them. They went for wild trips, smoked igbo in bed, danced to reggae, and beat up plenty of bouncers together. That is, when Jim Iyke dey break person head, the girl go dey clap, dey sing him praises. “My Nkem. My Obiagwu, beat up dem rude boys for me”. They did it together! The two of them. But then, Jim Iyke saw Nadia Buari, the Ghanaian ghost, and he fell in love. He wanted a taste of Ghana. Jamaica has become boring. Let’s give weed a break. So he started hide-and-seek with Nadia.

But Jim Iyke forgot one thing. He had already began his reality show and had involved Keturah, the daughter of reggae. So the girl vex, come blow breeze for Jim Iyke yansh, expose the man.

Jim Iyke why? You think say we be mumu? Keturah thank you. You are a true daughter of ‘Claro’ . But now wey you don find trouble, better ready for war. Hire JTF, and FBI, because Jim Iyke is not a forgiving man. He will do back. He will chase you, and when he does catch you, he will kick the living shit out of you. Don’t forget to mention me in your will o. Goodbye Kenturah.

With love from Amebo Pulse.

Photo Of The WeeK

Every young man's dream! Iyanya is on a roll. He's about to become King Solomon. That's over 1000 women singing and begging for a piece of him. Remember the Holy Book? If they could grab the helm of his garment, they'll be healed of lovesickness.

We’ve Lost A Wonder…

My people, please before reading this, let’s observe a minute’s silence for the loss of one of the timeless 7 Wonders of our Entertainment industry. Our industry no tight again. Please let us light candles, and mourn our dearly beloved loss.

For those of you who, either by a severe case of mumu-rity or a direct refusal to be intelligent, have not understood my flow. Let me use our language. Our industry follow get Wonders. These 7 Wonders dey make our entertainment fine because, even if you leave the industry for 10 years come back, you will still see them. They are timeless and eternal. Like the Statue Of Liberty in New York, or the boil on Tony Umez nose. They are:

1. 2face’s Long Thing: When a man decides to go on a mission to recreate the population of Lagos all by himself, then fear suppose catch you. Armed with a weapon of baby production, the guy don hammer 6 children, soon to be 7…we hail you, 2baba, father of Lagos.

2. Banky W’s Head: Never before in these parts have a gentleman been so blessed with a bald head that is quite unique in its lack of hair (another word for Sahara Desert is Banky’s head), and also for the giant size. Someone on Nairaland even called it ‘December Head’ (Whatever that means).

3. Lagbaja’s Face: Who can say he or she hasn’t added it in his prayers for the true face of Lagbaja to be revealed. Until date, it is still covered by the masquerade of Amadioha. Maybe he’s the Anti-Christ (just saying).

4. Tonto Dikeh’s Music: My papa bin talk say without talent, you fit work hard, then do something well. But in Tonto’s case, that was one big lie. Tonto’s music doesn’t entertain Nigeria. It troubles us. I hereby recommend her for arrest by the Nigerian Police force on charges of disturbance of public peace and assault.

5. Yemi Sax’s Hidden Voice: We have never heard him speak, talk more of to hear him sing. He’s always on his Saxophone. We pray he is not dumb.

6. Cossy Orjiakor’s Boobs: Cossy’s boobs is a thing of legend. It has been responsible for broken homes, twitter fights, deaths, and the fall of great men. This one na real woman power.

7. Kenneth Okonkwo: this our favorite Grandpapa (forever young) can still be seen in movies still acting as a young prince charming of Igboland. We just wonder because at this age, he should be an ancestor, not someone’s son. And I refuse to be tempted into saying anything about his wonderful mouth parts. Even though it reminds us of the Lagos canal.

Any way sha, these are the 7 Wonders of Nigerian Entertainment Industry. But it is with great concern that we at Amebo Pulse hereby announce the loss of one of the above. 2face is not impotent (God no gree), Lagbaja still be our village masquerade, Kenneth Okonkwo never catch arthritis, as long as Tonto Dikeh’s fans on Twitter has refused to tell her the truth, she will not stop wishing to be Waje. As for Banky W, he has not gone for Head-stic surgery but finally we have found Yemi Sax’s voice. And this was because he sang with it. We are not happy.

[caption id=«attachment_27295» align=«alignnone» width=«460»] Next big thing in Kennis Music[/caption]

Last week, Yemi Sax released a song with 9ice, and he kept singing with his voice. No Saxophone, no trumpet, no car horn, just his voice. Maybe because him ATM don read “insufficient funds” or because he wants to buy a new land, or build his family a duplex in Abuja, or because…he will soon get married. YES! Last month, the guy proposed to one fine girl, Shola Durojaiye, and after all the warning from the girl’s people, he made the introduction. Now the wedding will soon come, and after 2face run go Dubai go marry, I think Yemi Sax will take us all to Italy. So he has to hustle and make enough money to fit take run the Italian package. That is why he is stepping up his hustle. Yemi Sax has become Yemi Voice. We are happy for you, but the whole of Nigeria, mourns the appearance of your voice.

Please don’t drop the Sax. We love you!

Until Next Week.