The Gentle Art of Guiding Your Partner Through Sex (Without Killing the Mood)

You’re in the moment. Things are heating up, but you’re not exactly feeling it. You are thinking, "I wish they’d go a little slower," or "Right there, oh my god, don’t move… but what if they do?"

Your mind races. You are also scared of talking because you feel like you could ruin the moment.

I’ve had someone tell me certain phrases excite them so much that they feel a sudden surge of energy to perform even better in bed. This is not dirty talking, but I daresay it’s even better than that. It’s not difficult, and I’m going to walk you through it.

According to R.J. Wright, a TikTok creator that I find interesting and skilled, there are four things you should know to successfully talk someone through it, but before we dig into them, there are certain things you must know.

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Talking during sex doesn’t ruin intimacy. Instead, it helps your partner understand your desires, your limits, and what lights you up. The right communication boosts confidence and closeness and heightens pleasure.

It also helps you understand each other’s needs better. Even the most compatible couples can misunderstand each other in bed. Maybe one person thinks harder pressure means passion, while the other interprets it as discomfort. Or someone changes positions when they’re actually enjoying the current one.

The candid truth is, no one is good in bed for everyone. You become good for each other through communication. 

You should also know that everyone’s body has its own language. What worked for a past partner might not work for you, and that’s normal. That is why communication is important.

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Talking helps you say:

• What feels good specifically
  

• How it feels
  

• Where you want attention

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It also centres around consent, and my goodness, is consent such a turn-on! “Can I?” said softly against your ear, spikes your desire and anticipation. It doesn’t just make you go gaga; it helps you feel safe enough to be vulnerable – the major ingredient for enjoyable and memorable lovemaking.

Sexy consent examples:

• “I want to touch you here… okay?”
  

• “Can I go deeper?”
  

• “Tell me if you want more.”

Consent becomes part of seduction.

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R.J. Wright stated that there are four chords of communicating during sex: Refrain, Questions, Descriptions, and Praise. 

Divorce your mind from the regular meaning of a refrain and think poetry. In this case, it means emphasis that builds mood, tension or emotion. 

It is one of the simplest ways to guide your partner during sex, yet many shy away from it because they fear sounding repetitive. It’s perfectly okay to repeat yourself. Refrains can be single words, short phrases, or anything you know your partner enjoys hearing. 

Examples include 'more', 'mine', and 'pretty girl'.

Think about what elicits a positive response from your partner; words that make them feel desired, appreciated, and connected.

The more you know your partner, the more effective a refrain becomes. In a strong, trusting relationship, these repeated cues can heighten pleasure and intimacy rather than make things feel monotonous.

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Asking questions during sex can be tricky. Only ask ones you’re ready for the answer to. For example, asking, “Do you miss me?” could create awkward tension if the answer isn’t what you hoped or if your partner doesn’t feel the same about you.

Instead, keep questions light, playful, or guiding, such as:

• “Do you like this?”
  

• “Do you want more?”

The key is to enhance connection without creating pressure or vulnerability you’re not prepared to handle.

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Use words to paint the experience. Describe what you’re about to do, what you want to do, what you’re doing, or what you’ve just done. Layer in sensory details: what you smell, see, taste, hear, or feel.

Evocative words bring your partner into your experience:

• soft, wet, warm, so good, so fucking good… (repeat as you like.)

You can combine this with praise:

• “You taste so fucking good.”
  

• “Your skin feels amazing.”

The more vivid and sensory your language, the more immersive the moment becomes.

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If your partner enjoys praise, highlight what they’re doing or how they make you feel. Simple statements like:

• “You feel so good.”
  

• “I love the way you hold me.”
  

• “You’re so pretty.”
  

• “I love what you’re doing.”

• “Just like that.”
  

• “That feels so good.”
  

• “I love how you’re touching me.”

Praise makes them feel seen, desired, and validated, which can significantly boost intimacy and arousal.

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 For maximum impact, merge techniques. Combining a refrain with praise reinforces connection, keeps the mood erotic, and communicates your excitement clearly.

• “Such a pretty girl. I love that you’re mine. You feel so so good.”

Experiment with these approaches, but always stay authentic. Resist the urge to perform. Your voice, tone, and genuine enjoyment are what make these words truly sexy.

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Words aren’t the only way to communicate. Eye contact, breath, moans, and movements are exciting ways to guide your partner and heighten pleasure and desire. 

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Don’t overthink it. You don’t need perfect lines, just the right tone. A gentle whisper or low murmur does more than explicit dirty talk if it matches the energy.

Avoid Robotic instructions or questions (“Please rotate your hand 30 degrees. You are not Sheldon.”

Negatives shut people down and make things awkward. The bedroom is where people hate to feel they’re underperforming. Redirection keeps the flow going and heightens arousal.

Instead of: “Don’t do that.” or “That hurts.” 

Try: “Softer… yes, like that.” or “Slower… keep going.”

You can guide without breaking the erotic rhythm.

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Sex isn’t the time for long explanations. A few focused words do more than a monologue.

Power words to use:

• deeper
  

• slower
  

• faster
  

• softer
  

• more
  

• right there
  

• yes

Short, meaningful direction builds connection through sensation, not conversation.

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Talking about how they made you feel and what you want after sex is one way to ensure the next time is even better. Keep it light, curious, and playful.

Ask:

• “What’s something you’d love more of?”
  

• “Is there something you wish I did differently?”
  

• “What do you think about trying…?”

• “I loved when you…”

• “Next time, what if we try…?”

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Keep it flirtatious:

• “I keep thinking about how you touched me… I want more.”

Feedback becomes foreplay. Who knows, you may even get another round to put the feedback to work.

Talking during sex doesn't interrupt intimacy; it intensifies it. When you combine guidance, honesty, emotion, and curiosity, sex becomes an act you enjoy rather than perform.