We Say “Be Emotionally Available” Like It’s Easy… But Is It?

Erom is a certified lover boy who is loud and bold with his affection towards his partner. He is obsessed with boobs and never fails to tell the whole world that his lover’s bosom is where his destiny lies. 

He communicates his feelings clearly, admits his faults, and can come across as clingy to emotionally constipated people. 

But all of that changed when his lover left him and got married to the love of her life and spiritual father, whom she told him never to worry about, barely two months after breaking up with him via text. 

His world came crashing down like Nigeria’s economy. He found himself lost and hopeless without his lover’s bosom to cradle his throbbing head. Everything reminded him of her, from rotund watermelons to succulent cherries. 

The world spun around him until he found himself in the middle of the road with a trailer driver honking furiously at him. There and then, something changed inside of him, and thus, a villain was born. 

Erom’s next lovers bore the brunt of his unhealed pain; he became nonchalant, emotionally distant, and careful never to let anyone get close enough to hurt him again. So instead of healing, he hardened and became emotionally unavailable. 

Like Erom, many people were once great lovers who, because of heartbreak, became emotionally distant. Some, with a genetic makeup like that of Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory, are naturally emotionally constipated, and others simply do not have the bandwidth due to stress, mental health issues and other problems. 

To understand this better, I will explain what emotional availability means, what an emotionally unavailable person does, why emotional availability is a privilege, and how emotional availability is a choice.

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Being emotionally available isn’t just responding to texts, listening or being present; anyone can do that. It’s about recognising your own feelings and managing them, sitting with someone else’s pain without judgement, and offering support consistently.

It’s listening not just to respond but to understand. It’s checking in because you care. It’s apologising when necessary and celebrating their win like it’s yours. It’s being vulnerable without expectations and being in tune with your emotions. 

And all of these take emotional strength.

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In a world where everyone seems to be exchanging aura for aura and acting nonchalantly as a way to protect their heart from hurt and irreversible damage, being emotionally available is a risk. 

It’s like an untrained person swimming in open water without a life jacket. You become a shark’s meal.

Think about the last time someone ghosted you or, worse, faded slowly, giving crumbs of attention like they had no other choice while you tarried, giving more and more of yourself with the expectation that they’d change. You realised too late that they’re just the way they are, then got frustrated and angry and slapped a trendy therapy term like 'narcissism' on them like a tag. 

But maybe, just maybe, they’re not a heartless narcissist or a sociopath but an emotionally bankrupt person. Maybe they’ve given and given and given the best parts of themselves to the wrong people who actually do not appreciate their goodness and therefore do not know what to do with it. And now, they are bleeding on you. They’ve come to love only with their brains, not their hearts. 

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Yes! Here’s why.

We like to act as if being emotionally available is simple. Like it’s just a matter of being a “good person”. But the harsh truth is that emotional availability is a luxury many of us cannot afford, especially in this era when the dating pool is murkier than the Citarum River in Indonesia (the world's most polluted river).

Being emotionally available takes energy. Real, sustained energy. It means sitting with someone else’s mess without judgment, listening, processing, responding, and caring. And not everyone has that bandwidth. 

Trauma, stress, mental health struggles…they all consume energy you don’t even realise is being used. Some people wake up every day just surviving. And surviving doesn’t leave room for feelings beyond your own.

Time is another luxury. To truly show up emotionally, you need time. Not just a few minutes in the day, but a consistent presence. You need the space to check in, reflect, apologise, celebrate, and console. If your life is packed with work, family obligations, or constant hustling just to stay afloat, emotional labour becomes a currency you can’t spend. 

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And let’s not ignore emotional literacy. Some people grow up in homes where feelings were ignored, minimised, or punished. They weren’t taught how to recognise, name, or communicate emotions effectively. For them, being emotionally available doesn’t come naturally. They have to learn it, sometimes with therapy or self-work that isn’t accessible to everyone. 

So if they can’t sit with your feelings or open up to you, it’s not necessarily because they don’t care but because they weren’t taught how to care.

Even self-care and stability play a role. You can’t pour from an empty cup, they say, and it’s true. If someone is juggling financial strain, demanding work, family crises, or mental health challenges, they might be physically present but emotionally absent. It’s inevitable. 

So yes, being emotionally available is a privilege; however, it’s also a choice; anyone can become emotionally available. 

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It gets to a point where you decide to stop being a crackhead, understanding that emotional availability is valuable and learning it is possible. 

There’s something my mum would always say in Yoruba, and in English it translates as, ‘If they give birth to someone, they also give birth to a new and better version of themselves.’

No matter how many times you’ve been hurt, ignored, or shut out, you can choose to be emotionally available again. The past doesn’t get to write your future, not if you decide to do the work. 

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Healing isn’t instant, and it isn’t easy, but it is possible: reflecting on your patterns, setting boundaries, journaling, or leaning on therapy are all choices you can make to reclaim your capacity to connect. 

In all, is emotional availability a privilege or a choice? I’d say both. While it can be a privilege, it’s also worth recognising that not everyone starts from the same place. Some people can pour their hearts into friendships and relationships effortlessly. Others need the luxury of therapy, stability, and emotional education before they can even attempt it.