Are They Distant or Narcissistic? The Attachment Style Most People Miss

Attachment theory is the blueprint of how we love, connect, and protect ourselves emotionally. Ever wondered why some people crave closeness while others pull away the moment things get serious? That’s attachment style at work. 

There are different types of attachment styles, and avoidant attachment (also called dismissive-avoidant) is one of the main insecure attachment styles.

Here’s a glimpse of the internal world of an avoidantly attached person: Inside, there’s often a tug-of-war: a desire for connection battling a fear of being overwhelmed. It’s like wanting warmth but standing too close to the fire.

For instance, you’ve had a date full of laughter and sparks. The second one goes even better, and you discover how much you have in common. Slowly, you realise they make you smile at your phone, and you can’t wait to hear from them. But by the third date, a thought sneaks in: “I like them… but I need my space.”

Suddenly, being around them feels intense. The vulnerability you feel in their presence, and the emotions they stir in you, become uncomfortable. What should feel exciting now feels overwhelming, even a little scary. So, you pull back. You act cool and distant, hoping it will quiet the stirrings in your heart. 

That’s precisely what avoidant attachment looks like in dating. 

A large survey even suggests that around 1 in 5 adults identify with avoidant traits, with men reporting this style more often in some studies. This is not surprising. Recently, an X user wrote that “Nigerian men like situationships die,” meaning that Nigerian men like situationships a lot. 

The post addresses Nigerian men's preference for "situationships" (and undefined romantic entanglements) over committed relationships and sparked mixed perspectives: some say it's due to men's fear of commitment, while others defend it as a low-risk, high-reward venture.

At the bottom of it all is a core issue that points to an attachment style – the avoidant attachment – and understanding it is like finally getting the instruction manual for your emotional wiring and for the people you love. 

Read Next: Fallen Out of Love With Your Partner? Here’s What to Do

If you’ve taken an attachment styles quiz (like the comprehensive one on Pulse) and scored as avoidant, this usually means you value independence and emotional self-reliance in relationships, sometimes at the expense of closeness. 

It is shaped early in life when carers are consistently emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or unresponsive, and it is carried into adulthood. Avoidant styles grow from early relational experiences.

Here’s how that plays out:

• A child learns that expressing needs doesn’t get them comforted. Maybe carers ignored crying or discouraged emotional expression.

• The safest strategy becomes relying on oneself and suppressing emotional neediness.

• Over time, this becomes a default emotional blueprint: closeness equals risk.

This explains perfectly why it seems Nigerian men prefer situationships, which offer and require zero emotional depth. Take a look at how boys are conditioned to act masculine and tough from a tender age. 

According to a licensed therapist, Chente Okoli, in a chat with Pulse, “Men grow up learning to suppress instead of express… and that unspoken pressure shapes how we handle pain.”

Sometimes, avoidant traits can also form later, after repeated betrayals, emotional neglect, or trauma in adulthood. The core pattern still centres on protecting the self by avoiding vulnerability. 

People with an avoidant attachment style often feel uncomfortable relying on others or allowing others to rely on them. Love, for them, can feel like a cage instead of a comfort. 

Read Also: Is It a Red Flag Or a Deal Breaker?

There are different types of avoidant attachment styles. People with this style tend to struggle with emotional closeness, but they express it in slightly different ways.

This is the “I don’t need anyone” type. Dismissive-avoidant people value independence above all else. They often downplay emotions, avoid intimacy, and may even feel uncomfortable with love or closeness. 

Also called the “push-pull” type, fearful avoidants want connection but are terrified of it at the same time. They might chase closeness one moment, then withdraw the next. This style often comes from past trauma or inconsistent caregiving. 

Some people show a mix of both types: they appear independent and self-reliant but secretly struggle with trust and intimacy. This can make their behaviour unpredictable; they might want closeness sometimes, but distance themselves at the first hint of emotional intensity.

Unlike secure attachment, where closeness feels safe and reassuring, people with an avoidant style often perceive emotional intimacy as overwhelming, suffocating, or threatening to their sense of self.

Read Next: If He Says These 10 Things on a Date, Run! 

Avoidant attachment often develops in childhood when parents or carers are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or overly focused on independence.

When a child learns that expressing needs leads to rejection or indifference, they adapt by shutting down emotionally.

Some cultures reward emotional restraint and independence, reinforcing avoidant tendencies.

While temperament plays a role, environment is the main architect. Attachment styles are learnt, not hardwired.

Read Also: 10 Breakup Messages for Her (Written by a Man Who Has Seen Shege)

These signs show up subtly as unanswered texts, changing the subject, or needing “space” right when things feel close.

Whether it’s needing lots of alone time or being uncomfortable when a partner calls too often, autonomy feels more reassuring than connection. 

You might think of emotions logically or dismiss feelings as “dramatic”, rather than lean into them. 

The deeper a connection gets, the more your instinct is to pull back. This can show up as silence, busyness, or a change of subject. 

Actions like gifts or acts of service might feel more natural than quality time or words of affirmation. 

Others may be trustworthy in general, but not emotionally available people to rely on, so you turn inward instead. 

Read Next: Before You Catch Feelings, Watch Out for These Red Flags in 2026

Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean someone hates relationships. It means relationships activate conflicting needs. There’s often a paradox: You want closeness, but when someone moves in emotionally, you recoil. Avoidants may rationalise distance by focusing on flaws or fantasising about freedom.

This creates patterns like the following:

• Hot–cold cycles — affectionate one moment, distant the next.

• Keeping partners at arm’s length emotionally.

• Choosing casual relationships or delaying commitment. 

Partners may feel confused: one day it feels like a connection is possible, and the next day it feels suffocating. 

This push–pull is especially pronounced when paired with someone with an anxious attachment, whose craving for reassurance the avoidant finds overwhelming. This pairing feels intense because it mirrors childhood wounds, creating powerful emotional reactions.

Ever feel like you’re talking to a wall? That’s classic avoidant attachment. People with this style tend to pull back emotionally, give short or vague answers, or change the topic when things get too deep. It’s not that they don’t care; they just find vulnerability uncomfortable and risky.

This isn’t just a romantic thing. In friendships, avoidantly attached people might keep everyone at arm’s length, struggle to rely on others, or avoid emotional talk. Within families, they often appear independent or distant, especially during conflicts. It’s not about not loving people—it’s about comfort with space and self-reliance.

Absolutely. Avoidant attachment is usually a childhood coping mechanism, so change takes time. Through therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, people can learn to trust more, open up emotionally, and form deeper connections. It’s gradual but entirely possible.

Read Next: Weird Business Ideas That Made Millions in Nigeria (And Why They Worked)

It’s all about balance. Your nonchalant partner, friend or relative may just have the avoidant attachment style. Give them space, but don’t ignore your needs. Avoid pressure or ultimatums; instead, focus on consistency and gentle reassurance. Celebrate small steps when they share their feelings, and remember that pulling away isn’t rejection but an ingrained habit. You also must understand that loving someone avoidant means accepting them as they are.