Why We Love the Chase (Even When We Don’t Want the Relationship)

People swear they want something real, yet the moment “real” shows up, they aren’t even ready for that kind of commitment. 

You obsess over someone when they’re half-interested, mysterious, or emotionally unavailable. But the moment they start texting consistently? Suddenly they’re “too available,” “not exciting,” or “the spark just died.”

And even though you know you’re doing it, you still can’t help yourself. You’re simply addicted to the chase, not love. And, it’s not because you’re a bad person or unserious, but because the chase gives a certain type of emotional high that real relationships don’t. 

Let’s unpack.

Chasing someone, or being chased, can feel intoxicating. Your heart beats differently. You’re refreshing messages. You’re analysing emojis. It’s almost like you’re playing a game, and you desperately want to win.

Part of it is simple biology. The uncertainty, the longing, and the anticipation all spike your dopamine. You’re not attracted to the person; you’re addicted to the emotional rollercoaster. The fantasy of what they could be often feels more exciting than who they actually are.

And sometimes, if we’re being sincere, we’re fascinated by how they make us feel. It’s the ego boost. The validation. The thrill of “I can get this person if I want to.”

That’s why some people lose interest the moment they win. Because the high ends. And without that adrenaline, the person suddenly looks… regular.

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A lot of us say we want love, but when someone finally offers it, we malfunction. You start overthinking the good morning texts. You panic when they ask to see you again. You tell your friends, “He’s too nice,” as if kindness is now a red flag.

Underneath all of that is fear. Fear of vulnerability, fear of being truly seen, fear of the emotional responsibility that comes with real intimacy, fear of losing control.

Growing up, many people only saw chaotic love. Love that was hard, dramatic, and full of stress. So when affection comes easily, it feels unfamiliar. You’d rather chase someone who keeps you guessing than sit with someone who’s being real with you.

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Between the anxious and avoidant attachment styles, you can be stuck in a loop of engaging in a chase that does your love life no good.

If you have an anxious attachment style, the chase feels like home because you’re used to craving affection that’s inconsistent. You’re attracted to people who make you feel unsure, not because it’s good for you, but because it’s familiar.

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If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may enjoy the chase but run from the relationship because closeness feels like pressure. You want love, but you want it at arm’s length. You like the fantasy, not the actual work.

And here’s the plot twist: anxious and avoidant people always find each other. One loves the chase, the other loves running. A perfect storm.

It sounds harsh, but it’s true. Sometimes you’re chasing someone not because you like them. You just need a distraction. You’re lonely. You’re stressed. You’re going through something. The chase becomes entertainment, like scrolling TikTok or binge-watching a TV show.

You enjoy the banter, the flirting, and the teasing. But if they ever said, “Let’s be exclusive,” you’d look at them like, “Relax, it’s not that deep.”

Because in your mind, you were just “catching cruise”, and the thrill was all that mattered.

1. Start by asking yourself: “Do I like this person, or do I like the feeling of being chosen?”

2. Slow down when you meet someone new. Notice if your excitement is about who they are or the thrill of the pursuit.

3. Get comfortable with consistency. Train your nervous system to embrace peace instead of chaos.

4. Practice vulnerability in small doses. The more honest you are with yourself, the less likely you are to chase emotionally unavailable people for sport.

And most importantly, try choosing someone who chooses you back, because healthy love requires mutual effort.

At the end of the day, everybody outgrows the chase. The games get exhausting. The emotional rollercoaster starts to feel juvenile. One day you’ll crave something deeper than the fleeting thrill; something steady, honest, and intentional.

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