Who Is the “Performative Male”? Inside TikTok’s Recent Soft-Boy Type

I’ve been seeing TikToks of “performative male contests” where men come all dressed up in certain clothes, doing certain things that they believe would attract women, like openly reading a romance novel or a book on feminism, wearing all pink and listening to Lana Del Rey out loud, drinking matcha, shopping in the women’s section, and wearing a shirt that reads “the future is female.” 

This trend is essentially about men creating a soft, ethereal aesthetic for themselves. The term is used as both a joke and a critique of boys who perform a curated identity to win approval, especially from young women.

At its core, the “performative male” is a man who assembles a personality the way people build an aesthetic Pinterest board. It’s less about who he is and more about what he thinks will look good to others, particularly women.

He’s the walking version of a “soft boy starter pack”. He carries a romance novel that is strategically displayed, a matcha latte held just high enough for Instagram, and a tote bag with some feminist slogan, and listens to soft music playing at a volume just loud enough to be noticed. 

He’s performing sensitivity in the same way someone might perform confidence, except that his props tend to be pastel and literary.

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Modern dating has taught people, men, especially, that having a personality is suddenly a competitive sport. Social media has also turned identity into something you curate rather than something you develop.

Women talk openly online about wanting emotionally aware men, men who read, men who care about social issues, men who own fluffy blankets, and men who have a well-built skincare routine. So some men, instead of cultivating genuine interests, simply mimic the aesthetic of a man who has them.

It has become less about liking something and more about adopting it because it looks appealing. That’s how you end up with TikTok contests where boys cosplay as their idea of “the kind of man women want.”

The embarrassment around the performative male comes from a very specific place, which is that he looks like he’s trying too hard to look like he’s not trying at all.

There’s something awkward about seeing someone present a carefully curated softness… from the matcha, the feminist book, and the hanging Labubu on the tote bag, as if these objects alone prove emotional depth.

It feels insincere because it’s aesthetic-first, substance-later. 

People aren’t annoyed that he enjoys soft or feminine things. They’re annoyed because his version of “sincerity” comes off like a shopping list:

• Buy a tote bag. ✔️
  

• Play sad girl music. ✔️
  

• Hold the camera like a film student. ✔️
  

• Mention therapy once. ✔️

In other words, he’s performing emotional intelligence instead of developing it. While it’s funny, and it’s the sort of joke the internet eats up, there’s also a discomfort in watching someone shapeshift for approval.

In actuality, there’s nothing wrong with a man genuinely liking matcha or enjoying a romance novel. There’s also nothing wrong with wearing pink or shopping in the women’s section because he likes the clothes.

Where it becomes an issue is when these behaviours turn into a tactic and a personality assembled specifically to attract women, not because it reflects who he is.

That’s when it stops being self-expression and becomes emotional posturing.

It’s the difference between “I love this book,” and “I am holding this book because women like men who read this book.” One is a preference, and the other is a performance. More often than not, people can usually tell when someone is performing.

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Not really, at least not for the reasons the internet sometimes suggests. The performative male isn’t dangerous, nor is he manipulative in some sinister way.

He’s mostly harmless, slightly awkward, and deeply committed to the bit. If anything, the real concern is the backlash.

When mockery becomes too loud, it risks discouraging men who genuinely enjoy soft, feminine, emotionally rich things, or men who are trying, in their own way, to undo rigid masculinity.

If we dismiss every matcha-drinking, book-reading man as “performative,” we might push people back into the very stereotypes we’re trying to move away from. Stereotypes like the red pill and incel culture. 

The performative male is a product of social media, dating culture, and our obsession with aesthetics. He might be cliché and occasionally cringeworthy, but he’s also a reflection of the messy, uncomfortable ways people try to present themselves in a world where image matters far more than it should.