Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Aje-Butter: «Finding Love In Lasgidi…»

Blah blah blah! Whoever said that love at first sight still exist in Lagos really needs to make good his long overdue visit to the psychiatrist. I came into this loud annoying city to make some bread, but eating that bread alone holds no appeal to me. Man shall not live by bread alone, remember? So everyday I set out from home, armed to the teeth, with a cool shirt hugging my frame, tight pants to flatter my figure (and probably allow a bulge or 2 to entice them about my legendary size down there. Winks!). My cologne is expensive, drifting ahead of me like the breath of a thousand romantic gods, and then there’s my smile. Good enough to melt the heart of Agbani. So armed with all of these, and a witty, humorous conversational skill, if I don’t get a sweet-looking gorgeous lady, then maybe I’m cursed by some impish deity from my village.

Forget the impish deity. The ladies fall all over me, as expected, but then I don’t get to fall back too. Always one complaint or the other to tick me off. They’re all pretty, actually super-pretty (I have my standards), but a dolled face and a rocking body becomes mush when the supporting cast lacks an awesome brain to complete the package. And by God, I’ve had my fill of them. You’re itching to hear details (perv), and I’ll feed you slowly.

I’ve gone on 16 first dates (in 5 months), and only 2 have I called back after. And these are my reasons.

1. One of the ladies was a walking E! Channel. After spending 2 days with the names Mariah Carey and George Clooney pooping up twice in every 5 sentences, I figured I’ll leave this one. She deserves an American freak. Not a Lagos Ajebutter.

2. 5 had basically no conversational skill. They just sat across the table and smiled gracefully, while I wasted valuable energy trying to create gist. After getting fed up with seeing dolled-up faces with a permanent smile, I figured I’d be better off if I go buy a doll from the nearest gift shop. And I did! Out they went, as quickly as they came.

3. 8 had no class. Imagine walking with your date one evening, arm-in-arm, feeling the evening wind brush against your tender skin, only to look across to your lady and you see her chewing Kpomo. Chewing a big fat piece of Kpomo on a busy road! Nah, not me. So the first exit I saw, I ran towards it like my life depended on it. Darn Kpomo ladies. Whatever happened to chewing bubble gums seductively while slowing whispering my name; ‘Joey’. The only thing worse than masticating a piece of animal skin on a road, is eating roasted corn!

4. Finally, the only other 2 who I stuck with were because I got tired of going on dates. It was becoming boring, and my pockets weren’t exactly too deep. So I’m stuck with these 2…for now, while waiting for the classic hot lady.

Have I been unlucky? Nah, I probably am too awesome for my own good, so the god of dating blesses me abundantly. But then a blessing can also double up as a curse. I haven’t found love in Lagos. But I’m hopeful I will. Wish me luck, dear reader, because this my daily bread, I no wan chop am alone.

See you next week Tuesday, but until then….Toodles!