How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Healthy boundaries set the precedent on how you are perceived and treated within a relationship, workplace, family, and friendship. 

In one of her articles, Oge wrote that people will treat you the way you want to be treated. This means if you want to be treated well, then you ought to set boundaries not just for others not to cross, but for yourself too.

There’s a special kind of exhaustion that comes from being everybody’s “go-to person”.  One minute you’re helping a colleague finish a task, and the next you’re loaning money you know you won’t see again to a family member. 

Meanwhile, your phone keeps buzzing because someone somewhere believes you should be available 24/7. You love your people. Truly. But you’re tired. And the guilt that comes with saying “no” is eating you alive.

Boundaries are the clear limits and rules we establish to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define how we allow others to treat us, what behaviour we find acceptable, and how we engage with the world. They help you decide what you let in and what you keep out.

In a country where “it takes a village” is the cultural norm, boundaries are important to protect your peace, maintain your sense of self, values, and priorities, and respect, and prevent overextending yourself. 

Lack of boundaries will simply make people treat you like a doormat. Your time, energy and resources become public property.

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As humans, it can be quite difficult to know when to set boundaries, sometimes because you don’t want to come across as overly excessive or because you are simply too good a person. 

Here are a few signs that you need boundaries:

• You feel irritated or resentful even when you agree to help.
  

• You say “yes” instantly and regret it two minutes later.
  

• You’re emotionally tired but still absorbing other people’s drama.
  

• You’re financially stretched from endless requests.
  

• You feel used… but you keep quiet to avoid conflict.

If you can relate to any or all of these signs, it’s time to put some boundaries in place.

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In Nigeria, tone is everything. You need to express your boundaries with warmth. These are the types of boundaries and examples of how to express them in any setting: platonic, romantic or corporate.

You’re not a dumping ground for everyone’s crisis. Protect your mental space from constant trauma dumping and emotional manipulation.

What to Say: “I’m not comfortable with that, so I’ll pass.”

Not every call must be picked. Not every “Can you step out for a minute?” at work deserves an automatic yes.

What to Say: “This isn’t a good time for me, please.”

It’s OK to say, “I’d love to help, but I genuinely don’t have the capacity right now.”
You’re not a bank. And black tax does not mean carrying what your income cannot sustain. 

Resist the urge to say, “Let me see what I can do.” That is guilt speaking. 

Whether it’s needing quiet time, privacy, or personal space, you’re allowed to ask for it. You’re allowed to exist without performing availability.

What to Say: “I need some quiet today. Can we speak tomorrow?

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There are 3 Cs of boundaries: Clarity, Consistency and Consequences. They help you establish and maintain healthy personal limits that people adhere to and respect.

You can't set a boundary if you don't know where your line is. Start by paying attention to your feelings. That knot in your stomach, feeling of dread, or simmering resentment is an arrow pointing to a boundary violation.

Ask yourself: What specific situation is causing me stress? Who is involved? What about their behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable or drained?

Now, translate that feeling into a concrete need. "I feel drained" becomes "I need 30 minutes of quiet time when I get home from work." "I feel resentful" becomes "I need my contributions to be acknowledged in the team meeting." Getting specific is your superpower here.

This is where most people get stuck. You don't need to be confrontational; you just need to be clear. Use a simple, powerful formula: "When you [their specific behaviour], I feel [your emotion]. I need [your clear request]."

Example: When you message me about work after 6 PM, I feel stressed and unable to disconnect. I need us to keep our communication to business hours, unless it's a true emergency.

Notice the use of "I" statements. They keep the focus on your experience and reduce defensiveness.

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This is the most challenging but crucial step. A boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. The consequence is the action you will take to protect your peace if the boundary is ignored.

Example: "If you continue to bring up that topic, I will end the conversation." 

The key is only to state a consequence you are fully prepared to follow through on because they will test you, and your inability to follow through will embolden them to push your boundaries further.

People are used to you behaving in a certain way. When you change, they will test the new rules. It's normal. The first time you uphold your boundary, there might be surprise, guilt-tripping, or even anger.

Your job is not to control their reaction but to stay consistent with your follow-through. Consistency is how you teach people that your boundaries are real and that you respect yourself enough to enforce them.

To make this even clearer, here are some practical examples you can adapt:

• At Work: "I have a prior commitment, so I won't be able to take on that extra project without deprioritising my current deliverables." Yeah, speak corporate. 

• With Family: "I love hearing about your life, but I'm not comfortable discussing my dating life. Let's talk about something else."

• In Friendships: "I value our time together, and I need a quick text if you're running more than 10 minutes late."

• Digital: "To protect my focus, I've turned off notifications during my deep work sessions. I'll get back to you within a few hours."

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The reason you feel guilty every time you say ‘No’ or prioritise yourself is that we admire people who manage, cope, and hold everything together.

So when you set a boundary, guilt shows up. You start to worry:  What if they think I’m proud? What if I disappoint them? What if they get angry?

I’d like you to know that you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s normal to feel a pang of guilt when you first start setting boundaries. You’re breaking an old pattern. 

Let the guilt rise, and let it pass. You and everyone else will be fine at the end of the day. The temporary discomfort of setting the boundary is far better than the long-term resentment of not having one.

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These small shifts change everything:

1. Pause before saying yes.
   

2. Ask for time to think before committing.
   

3. Schedule rest like an appointment.
   

4. Answer messages when you actually can, not immediately.
   

5. Permit yourself to disappoint people sometimes.

Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. It might feel awkward at first, but every time you do it, you are reaffirming your worth and making a powerful investment in your mental health and the health of your relationships. Start small, be kind to yourself, and use this five-step framework.