Amebo Pulse: Jim Iyke’s Demons & The 'Weedligion' of 'Jesu' Jagz

I hear Nigerian rappers talk a lot about the ‘game’, and sing about how their love plenty for the game. Whether M.I likes to play super Mario, or Ice Prince sabi clap for ‘ten ten’, that’s their work. For me, Amebo Pulse, na only gossip I sabi. Every Monday, for my hood, after I wake up by 4am, jog round Lagos until 5.30am, smoke thick fat Ajegunle weed until 6.30am, then pray for inspiration from Amadioha until 7am. 7 thunders go  strike, 9 vultures go gather, then the spirit of gossip will rise, and possess me, and only then will  this sweet column be written.

I have shared the secret to my gossip, now na the time to share the gossip proper. Let’s  go there. Happy new week.

Jesu Jagz:  The Messiah Of Nigerian Music

I wasn’t always a follower of Amadioha and Sango. They no born me for native doctor shrine.  Once upon a time, I was a church boy. Growing up, I sang a lot of children songs. My father made sure I crammed the entire Holy Book into my small head, and with it I intimidated every pikin wey find my trouble. On Sundays, after morning white rice and stew (with meat or chicken), I’ll quickly jog ninety miles to the nearest church, while shouting like say the ‘spirit’ don possess me. Where I’ll sing 90 hymns, listen to one scary sermon about bad people dying in big fires, and run back home sweating and scared. I was not a good pikin, all my classmates pencils, eraser and sharpeners always found their way into my bag. I confessed to my father the next day, and the man nearly kill me with his scary Hausa man belt.  After setting my  yansh on fire, he began to preach to me, told me about Jesus, and how he forgives little jonsing children like me. I gave my life to him, and also let go of all my thiefy thiefy. Not because I too like heaven o, I just no want my father belt to hammer my small yansh again.

The thing sha be say, I accepted Jesus, and up until last week, I knew there was only one Jesus, until last week when one Nigerian musician began to claim to be the son of God. Jesse Jagz, the(that place wey Fela plant plenty weed for his followers), last week claimed to be our savior. The chosen Messiah to lead Nigerian music to the promise land.

According to Jesse Jagz, or rather Jesu Jagz, “Nigerian music is unintelligent, and even goats can dance to can dance to our music”

This man, after claiming to be God, he also had the guts to put san san for our gbedu. Imagine. Even goats can dance to our music. Tufia! What insult to us, and our music. So Jesu Jagz meant to say that on my TGIF days, goats go follow come club to dance “Jaiye Jaiye”, then drink Rozay  too. Well maybe since he’s now god, his first miracle will be turning River Niger to River Alomo, turning all grass into weed, and all paper factories into rizla+ (weed smoking papers).

Maybe he’ll go to Mushin, get crucified by Agberos, die, and attempt to resurrect on the third day too. Let’s see if he truly is the Messiah like his albumart said;

Thine Nation come, thy weed be done on earth, as it is in Jagz Nation.

Nonsense.

Jim Iyke Receives The Spirit:

It’s official, I don’t like Jim Iyke. Why? Because I don’t like him. The boy like fight too much and him sabi lie. Yesterday, at T.B Joshua’s Synagogue, where all evil spirits get cured, and cried out with a loud voice,” Master, deliver me”…

Well before we go further, let me bring you up to speed on who Jim Iyke is, and all his relationship demonic attacks. Jim Iyke has been dating many girls without success, he’s currently dating Ghanaian actress, Nadia Buari, but before then he was dating one Jamaican girl, undefined

Ladies and Gentlemen, Agbero and Ashawo, guyman and runs-girl, Ajebutter and Ajegunle-kpako. Take a deep breath and relax that your itchy fingers. Then we said a prayer for Keturah Hamilton, the Jamaican ex-fiancée of  Jim Iyke, because what she did successfully was not to expose the mumu that Jim Iyke took us for. She did that, and we at Amebo, on behalf of all the shocked fans, are grateful for her bravery, and we even prayed for her because knowing Jim Iyke, she had signed her death warrant. And stamped it. Why? Because the Jim Iyke I know is NOT a forgiving man. The guy will have caught her.

I’ve never been one to like Jim Iyke. The guy too like fight. Him no like quarrel o, he just wants to fight. Like he was put on this earth and was commanded: “ Jim, go ye into Naija and multiply all the broken heads.” The guy like fight pass sex. True talk! Every time you see Jim, he’s always staring menacingly at you, like you owe him a pound of beating. And he’s going to collect it. Do you know his favorite hobby is karate?

Jim Iyke-Chan, the legend of Karate.

With all of these traits, I wonder wetin any girl wey her mama give sex education (as in the difference between male and female, not the other way in), go carry her shakara go find Jim Iyke-Chan. Even if he drives a Hummer 10, uses a Blacberry Z99, and sprays Heaven & Gabbana (bought directly from paradise), no girl in her right senses suppose gree. But una know the country where we dey. Hunger bad o! But even at that, girls no gree settle with the man. Every girl wey come, she go do chop and go. Chop the guy money like rat, then run.

So Jim Iyke had to travel abroad to look for love. Since Nigerian girls no wan die, he travelled to Jamaica. That country wey their national flower na marijuana, and the most popular food is called Weed-soup (Ganja-soup). So you can imagine the joy our brother felt when he finally met his kind: Weed smokers and Career Mad-men. He was received with a smoking ceremony, with plenty reggae singing. So while leaving, he took home Keturah Hamilton.  At first, their love been over-shack them. They went for wild trips, smoked igbo in bed, danced to reggae, and beat up plenty of bouncers together. That is, when Jim Iyke dey break person head, the girl go dey clap, dey sing him praises. “My Nkem. My Obiagwu, beat up dem rude boys for me”. They did it together!  The two of them. But then, Jim Iyke saw Nadia Buari, the Ghanaian ghost, and he fell in love. He wanted a taste of Ghana. Jamaica has become boring. Let’s give weed a break. So he started hide-and-seek with Nadia.

But Jim Iyke forgot one thing. He had already began his reality show and had involved Keturah, the daughter of reggae. So the girl vex, come blow breeze for Jim Iyke yansh, expose the man.

Well after Keturah carry her shakara and weed go back Jamaica, Jim Iyke began to date Nadia big time. The two of them begin go vacations (or is vacay?) in Hollywood, Nollywood (which is another name for Asaba), and Ghana.  The love was so strong that they gave themselves pet names (undefined), had begun thinking of marriage and plenty children. But before them marry, he had to be delivered of all his demons. His Karate demons, and his hot-temper demon. So off he went to T.B Joshua, and got delivered, live onEmmanuel TV.

Praise Jah!

Jim Iyke is a changed man now. Next week, I guess he’ll sign up at a theological school, where he’ll become a missionary to bring the gospel to Boko Haram. Maybe he’ll become a priest, or join Jesu Jagz and his weed-ligion.

Amen!

See you next week, Amebo Pulse is off to get this ‘gossip’ spirit removed. Jim Iyke has shown me that no matter how bad you get, you can be delivered. Hope still dey for me. Goodbye fans; there’ll soon be no Amebo again. This gossip must be removed. Amen.