Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter: “The Nigerian Police Is Your Friend Ni”

Whoever believes that the police is your friend definitely needs to meet the devil. He’ll be a better ‘padi’ than those men in black outfits who spot rusty guns, speak in slurred lines, and try to rid you of your money.

Life in Lagos has thrown a lot of lessons down my experience sheet, but the most pivotal of them all is this – The Nigerian Police is not your friend. Yes, they work in a noble profession in which the security of lives and properties are their beat. Yes, they are the guardians of the civilian public, and are important in the achievement of a society free from crime, injustice, and mutual wrong. Yes they’re also tasked with being the custodians of public order, and are symbols of a land at peace.

But the Police I know, the ones you know too, are far from what I described in the last paragraph. The ones in Lagos I think swear an oath before their DPO to ignore their noble calling, and do the following; To arrest, detain and collect money. The ‘collect money’ part being very important.

If you live in Lagos without a Police story, walk out your door, and up the street to confirm if you really do live in Lagos….or Los Angeles. I, Joey Akan, have had my own brush with those men, and it definitely is worth writing. I’m a Journalist, an Ajebutter journalist who speaks big grammar with a confusing accent. Awesome ingredients for the perfect police wahala.

It’s always my job to attend late night events, but with the late night events, come the Police checkpoints, and the drama they throw up. A police once seized my driver’s mobile phone charger because the driver refused to ‘do him well’. Another one saw me dancing in the car, held me up for indecent behavior, and while smiling demanded a N100 ‘dancing fine’ from me.

Dancing, indecent behavior. What if I had hot sex nko? I would have been a ‘suspect’ or a hardened rapist!

Then I also like to see the puzzled look on their faces when I tell them ‘I’m from the Press’

‘What Press? Which Newspaper?’ the Policeman would bark.

‘Contemporary Trendy Digital Media’, I try not to laugh while I say it. I know it’s big grammar. I know. The police man will simply scratch his head, look dumb for a second, before skillfully asking for something from ‘his Oga’. Which my English has made me become. Big English = Big Oga!

A lot more stories remain, which I’ll leave to share another day. But while you wait, just be sure to go get yourself an amazing dictionary. Read all the big words, and save it for the Police. You will be their Oga. Not their friend.

If not, stick to the devil, not the police. He’s your one true friend.

See you next week.