Amebo Pulse: How Do You Solve A Problem Like A Tonto? (Special Gossip Edition)

By now you’re obviously surprised by my title for this week’s column. Don’t be. Just relax, loosen your seatbelt and take in all that Amebo Pulse, specially brought to you by www.pulse.ng has brought today. This month, business has been pretty slow for all gossipers like me. These yeye celebrities don wise up. They’ve blatantly and wickedly refused to ***kup. They so hate gossipers, especially Amebo Pulse, that instead of doing their nonsense acts in public, they go home, lock their doors, their windows, their peep holes, even their toilet windows. Then they do wicked things like smoking weed wrapped in letters of dying orphans to Santa Claus, while laughing maniacally and dancing to Olamide’s Durosoke. God help them.

This week, I have taken time out form my busy gossip schedule to specially treat the case of Tonto Dikeh, that fine mami-water wey sabi act film, sing ugly songs, and get deceived by those lowlifes from twitter. Any problem with that?  No? Good then. Let’s get thee show started.

How Do You Solve A Problem Like A Tonto Dikeh?

Nigeria don suffer. We’ve dealt with civil wars, ugly governments, hunger, criminals, Daddy Showkey, child not brides, lynching, the awful police force, now we also with Tonto Dikeh too. She no dey pity us?

Listen to this name; Tonto Charity Dikeh. So sweet, so normal, so nice, it even has ‘charity’, an innocent church girl’s name in it. But well, the bearer of that name, no be church girl o. She’s terrorized Nigeria sotey, she’s begun to terrorize heaven. Charity the Heavenly Terrorist (my Nollywood brothers take the title).  But one thing you all should know is that I love Tonto Dikeh, with all my heart, all my big head, all my sexy body, and all my empty wallet. I have never failed to express my love for this woman. Her sexy face, small waist, awesome smile, yeye booby, short height, and rude tongue stole my heart, and has kept it sinc e I was a child. Even when she misbehaves, I always pity her, and write with partiality, crying out of the pain I feel, but feeling good after my Oga at the top pays me my money. I write, collect money chop. Because my money feels better than Tonto Dikeh’s dirty love.

So before I begin to go deeper into this awesome column, don’t you dare think it’s because I’m a hater, a jobless man (I get paid for this, good money actually), or because I just love jealousying Tonto. I love that girl with all my muscle, and I’ll still keep loving her, even if she join book haram. So, with tears in my eyes, and happiness in my wallet, I begin my tale of Tonto Dikeh; How do you solve a problem like a Tonto?

Act 1: Tonto Dikeh Denies Nigeria

Tufia! Once upon a time, my darling Tonto Dikeh, the only bread in my beans, decided that she has had enough of Nigeria. She no wan stay for this oil-rich country again. Maybe because one fat ugly-looking, drum-bellied, politician has offered to take her away to Obodo England, or one randy small director that claims to be Brad Pitt’s elder brother’s dog’s  manager has invited her over to the USA for a movie role, so she opened her mouth on Twitter to write; “I love Nigeria, but I’m not Nigerian by heart”. The girl had the guts to deny this country. Nigeria, good people, great nation. She denied the country that has seen her grow up to become who she is. The very same country that me, her love, lives in.  We were all heartbroken, crying day and night for her to stay. We don’t really like her, but if she leaves us, who else would we hate? Jim Iyke? That fighter? Ini Edo? That fat talkative. Who else?

No one. I quickly wrote her a small letter that touched her heart and made her stay. Read my romantic letter below.

Tonto my sweety

Right from the very first day I saw you, I’ve always knew You’re for me. I’ve stalked you from our childhood days when you wore pampers and ran madly through the streets of Ikwerre Rivers state. I loved everything about you from your hair that didn’t grow much (you were semi-bald, just like me), to those lovely tiny match-stick feet of yours that you used for plenty of waka. The scent of your hair and the sway of your pampers stole my young heart, so I learnt all my abcd to z just to write you your first poem. Now you’ve become a star, and you deny my country that I am a part of. Why? Where will you go? To Dubai-wood, Ghana-wood, or Afghanistan-wood. Eh? But whatever happens, sweet Tonto, remember our love. We are bread and butter. Write to me sweet Tonto. Say my name in your movies cause I still love you. I love you, talk your own.

Your Break break Heart,

Amebo Pulse (Nigeria)

Well, I still regret writing that letter, because she’s been real trouble since she stayed back. I schooled in PH, Tonto schooled in PH too. I wore pampers from PH, Tonto did same too. I had my first kiss, in PH, Tonto did same too. Then Amebo moved to Lagos, and Tonto carry her body follow come Lagos. Thank God say Fashola don dey deport mad people (*just saying*). I regret writing that touching letter that changed her heart. I regret falling in love with Tonto. Like Olamide sing, I regret my Stupid Love!

Act 2: Tonto’s Awful Brain-killing Music

Enough romance. Now let’s man up, and move over to her songs. Those 2 noises wey dey sound like wetin devil cook for one demonic studio for hell fire, send come Nigeria to to take tempt good people. It’s official, Tonto Dikeh no sabi sing. That is she no sabi sing at all. Her voice bad, her lyrics bad, her beats bad, even her producer follow complain give God during his quiet time. Poor hustling guy.

When Heaven created us all, we came down with respectable individual talents. Lawrence Anini was cursed with stealing, Basketmouth was blessed with comedy, Patience Jonathan was blessed with improper use of English Language, and Amebo Pulse was cursed with being a talented gossiper. Poor Amebo. As for Aunty Tonto, God gave her super acting skills, and the power to smoke weed. But the girl became greedy. She wanted badly to sound like 2face Idibia, so she went into one studio, harassed the producer, and wickedly poured her soul into the microphone, thereby succeeding in creating the worst music ever made. Music wey no dey entertain. Music wey dey disturb our peace. Music wey sound like punishment to your enemies. The moment we all heard her ‘song, I almost had stroke. Truthful people began to tell her her life story. How her yeye songs no sweet, how the song disturbs the public peace, how God go punish her for this evil act.

But her followers on Twitter began to lie to the poor girl. They kept telling her how wonderful her crap was, how they love the sound of her stupid lyrics, and it’s their worship song. Instead of singing Abba father, they began to foolishly chant “Abba Tonto”. God punish all of una dia.

The one group of people who really fell my hands, were the artistes themselves. They refused to call Tonto to order. They were scared for their lives, preferring to drink their Alomo and smoke their weed in peace. Except for Burna Boy who proved that he had big balls. Balls the size of giant jackhammers. He heard the songs couldn’t contain his anger and decided to write on Twitter. “God punish all of you who disrespect the name of music by releasing d noisy wackness being released these days. Death is d least yu deserve” . And since then, na so so winch winch wey Tonto dey winch the boy until he fell on stage during his performance at the Headies. Well done Burna Boy.

Moral Of The Story: Mind Your Business…Unless Your Name Na Amebo Pulse.

Act 4: Tonto Loves Her Weed

Tonto sabi smoke weed. The girl loves her Igbo, more than a Mushin Agbero loves fight. She smokes weed on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, her birthdays, her dog’s birthday, even on Jesus’s birthday. Weed is her pet love, her best plant, kept on this earth for Chicks on the hustle. Like her. If we check well, she owns a weed farm in her village in Ikwerre, Rivers State. She’s smoked her days away until fans began to send her gifts of freshly wrapped weed.

But then one day the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA), became concerned for the safety of Nigerians and their children, and threatened to arrest her.  Since then, she’s relaxed, choosing to smoke her evil drug in secret. She even started started a campaign on twitter, preaching about how bad weed is. I can picture her at her home, with her phone, typing; say no to weed’. Then she’ll drop the weed, open her freezer, bring out a bag of fresh weed, clap her hands in happiness, and sing a smoking song. I love Ganja, and Ganja loves me too. Mad Tonto!

Act 5: Tonto Commits Suicide

Here my story comes to a close. In a sad manner. Tonto Dikeh almost finally got to commit suicide. But she didn’t. Bad people never get to die early. They live old and strong, making life miserable for others on earth. Even when they tried to kill themselves. Tonto Dikeh Almost kill herself. I no sabi how she tried to do it, but I think judging from her lifestyle, She mixed Alomo, Hennessy, and cerelac, while smoking big wraps of poisonous Asaba weed and singing “:Till we meet again, till we meet again”.

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But somehow, she refused to die. What do you do when you try to end your life and it doesn’t work? You update your facebook status with it! Tonto Dikeh did just that.

She tried to take her life, failed and ended up disturbing us again. As for me, I kept asking the question: How E take Affect the price of garri for market? If anybody decides that he’s tired of having fun on earth, and wants to taste the awesomeness of hellfire, who are my to put my mouth? This one Pass Amebo.

So my friends, here my story end. Repent she no gree. Die she no gree. Which one she go gree? How do we solve a problem like a Tonto? Only Amadioha knows.

See you next week. Hate me, love me , You will see me here again. Don’t forget to drop your comments. They might make me fall in love with you. Amebo is tired.