Amebo Pulse: Chocolate Weed City, Saka’s Port Of Cash

Hello my people, we are here again for another spicy round of the best gossip column ever (slaps chest madly)! We know how we do this: You come, I come. I write, you read. You laugh, I follow laugh. That’s all. Gist last week no be small o, plenty of things just dey happen. Celebrities kept on doing their thing, and Amebo was right behind them peeping. Some people port their long-throat ship, some smoke plenty weed, and the others, well they almost threw punches at the Nigerian Entertainment Conference.

Trust me na! I was there, flesh and blood, big mouth and big eye, seeing, listening and generally laughed my ass off. I couldn’t put it back together, so I’m assless right now. But it’s just my ass, which contributes nothing to this our small discussion, so let’s ignore my missing rear end.

Read, Laugh, Learn, Enjoy, but just remember one thing…Amebo is Watching!

Naija Women Grow Bald

N5 million can take care of a whole lot of stuff. If maga pay, then I have that cash, I’ll simply sign up the cheapest contractor from Ariaria and build me a boys quarter flat, buy a 3 hand Cotonou-used car, then dash off to Benue State to marry one wife (Benue state because bride-price small for there). But give a woman that N5M and booom! The world go end. The hairs will start trooping in. Brazilian, Chinese, Malaysian, American hair, even Aba hair. After the hair-vaganza, next will be the cosmetic attack. From Mary Kay, Joseph Kay, Pan Kay, Eyelash Kay down to the rainbow, them go buy. With this in mind it was no wonder our sweet Nollywood actress, Chika Ike jumped at the opportunity to earn N5M on one condition. That being to cut her fine, sweet, angelic, sexy, soft, smooth, shiny, sweet-smelling (I perceived it in the spirit) and wonderful hair. Just for N5M. But she no send. N5M can buy her all kinds of hair, even chicken hair.

Congrats Chika, but I’m not happy. This is unfair treatment. All the actors should come out and protest topless! How many times has Emeka Ike cut his hair short just to play lover boy at 51 Iweka Road, Onitsha? How many films have we seen Ramsey Noah, even with his balding hair, had to go through the harrowing experience of visiting Banky W’s hair stylist? Were they given N5M to go through such pain and disgrace? No! This is unfair. Let it be on record that I, Amebo Pulse, do not support gender discrimination in Nollywood. It’s the 21 century, we want equal rights and justice. We Shall Prevail!

Saka’s Yellow Port Of Cash

Welcome to Port Saka, Where everything is yellow and the smell of money perfumes the air…

Our wise fathers lied. Wetin we dey see now with our phones and London Blackberries, even if they climb Mt.Everest, them no go see am. They said when two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers. But these days when 2 elephants fight, na the grass dey celebrate Christmas. How? Check out my man Saka. In the MTN vs Etisalat saga, na only Saka dey chop money scatter. Saka don port go, come pot N20M from MTN. Cool twenty milla. Abeg Etisalat come sign me o. Me too I want to port. Pay me N20M so that I fit turn father Christmas come buy biscuit for all of 2face’s kids, buy Rolls Royce for Wizkid, new ball for Chidinma (Emi ni baller), another Don Jazzy for D’Banj, fresh boxers for Davido, and finally, AK-47 for Jim Iyke-Chan to use shoot all of una for him reality TV show.

Back to Saka. Let me categorically dissect this Saka issue now...ahem (coughs)..dat's all. First, Saka is a comedian. He is a business man. Saka get family to feed. Him get wife wey need to wear Asaba gold, get daughter wey suppose use Bold 5, get son wey need PS2 and small money for him girlfriend. Where is Saka to get all that money from? Him go thief? or join Boko boys? No! God forbid. Even though he worked as a lecturer at Adeniran Ogunsanya College Of Education, Ijanikin, that school wey the majority of students na people wey JAMB no like, so the place dey like rehab for jambites. How man wan use make better money from rehabilitation center if not to collect sorting?

But Saka refused evil. Instead he joined comedy, playing hilarious roles in various movies, earning money with his God-given talent of mumu-rity, living well, and generally keeping his family from crime. Then Etisalat came. They didn’t value Saka much. They preferred to splash money on the ajebutters and the tush people like Banky W. Saka wasn’t tush. He was pure kpako. He didn’t wear Prada, nor publicly drank expensive kai-kai. So they didn’t value him much and used him as just another model. Until MTN saw the power of Kpako! They rushed Saka like shawarma, and signed him up to dance kirikata for them for the sum of N20M. Incredible!

Una see as God dey bless person? The guy don port go, come pot better money. No hard feelings, just business. God Bless MTN, the sharp network, wey no get network.

Una do well.

Banky W Remarries Baby W

It’s Christmas in EME Music. The runaway pikin don return. Wizkid is back. But this time he returns, not as a child again, but as a full grown man with big muscle. International recording sessions, Pepsi endorsements, World concerts, show-stopping performances, sweet beautiful girls, and one temporary Rolls Royce has made our young Ayo grown up. I could cry for joy. He now has a record label, and has signed one foreign fruity producer called Maleek Berry. Sweet MaleekBerry. Very soon he will pick one out of all those long-throat girls wey dey sing love to am like broken records. “ Wizzy baybay, I lovu you laiku sugar…”.

He’ll no longer kiss anyone’s smelly arse, even Banky’s. Or drink with Skales and Shaydee. He’s a king, King Wizkid, and he’s blessing EME Music. The young has truly grown.

Last week, during one of those tush shows in God knows where, Banky W and Baby W (Wizzy Baybay) planned to announce their romantic re-engagement which they did in style. There were no engagement rings (they forgot to buy one. Men.), or long vows, but we had pet names. Sweet pet names. Banky is now called “Business Partner”, While Wizkid is now called “love” and “family”. Here are their speeches:

Wizkid: ‘…here in FESTAC and I love you guys so much. Right now I wanna bring up my , , you know my bestfriend, my . Make some noise for Banky W!‘

Banky W: ‘It’s funny how you people said back, it’s not like he ever left, I mean that’s for you guys to determine, so it’s cool, whatever. it’s , it’s ‘,

People, can you feel the intense affection?

I could imagine what could be going on right now at the EME building. Here’s what I saw. Banky and Wizkid hugging, exchanging stares, having choice champagne and taking romantic outings, while Shaydee and Skales look on disgusted, and Niyola fumes with envy. With all these going on, it will be a miracle if any music breaks out of there anytime soon. The theme is love, and so the lovebirds will rule the day!

Happy Married Life, Banky W and Baby W.

Photo of The Week

John Dumelo meditating with a smoke...now that's what true worship is all about!

Weeding Chocolate City!

Don’t get it twisted, Weed is Bad! So let’s burn it. In order to fully appreciate this story, here are the benefits of weed (igbo, ganja, pot, marijuana, cannabis,). It actually has some good uses. It is used by doctors to treat intense pain, and as some sort of sedative. It also has some chemicals that have good effects on your hair. That’s all.

But some people are of the belief that weed is not a drug. To qualify something as a drug, you simply have to mix some chemicals like flour, sodium, talc, and all of that stuff. But weed is just a plant, put on this earth by Baba God for brothers on the struggle, and niggers on the hustle. It is sent from heaven. For musicians too, especially those rappers and singers from Chocolate City.

Let’s start with the most recent. Brymo the weeding Rhymo. Last week during one of his regular singing and pinging studio session, Brymo took his normal recreational drug. Weed. He smoked it up, smoked it down. Puffed it high, blew it low, and being very unselfish, he wanted to share his moment of enjoyment with his fans, so he took a picture of the perfect advert for weed (himself), and posted it on Instagram with the reassuring words, “It’s Alright”.

And while the fans were still wondering what poison he was smoking, he, obviously in another realm (the 9 heaven of cannabis) read our minds and dropped us the picture of his love, with the confession, “Actually, I smoke a lot.”

He smoked weed, displayed it publicly and felt like he was sharing his blessing with his loving fans. I no blame you. But this does not surprise Amebo Pulse because right from the start, Chocolate City has been the City of Weed. Chocolate flavoured weed. How?

Here. Remember that M.I’s hugely successful album, Talk About It? Well, one of his hit songs was Blaze,the one where him,Jesse Jagz, Ice Prince and Blaise sang a song dedicated to weed and lighters. Next are the rumours which went around that one of the reason why Jesse Jagz was leaving Choc City was because he did a lot of weed. And last week, Ice Prince released a weed anthem titled, Gimme dat, with the album art showing him passing “Claro” to himself.

Chocolate City I dey hail o. Abi una get garden of weed-semane. And again I can picture a regular Monday morning at that studio. Everyone grabs a joint as long as the Niger Delta pipeline, light it up, while a classic lovesong “You are the love of my life” flows in from the speaker:

“You are the weed of my life,

I knew it right from the start,

The moment I took a puff,

With you is where I belong”…

I don tire. Till next week jare! Jah bless!

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