‘Women Teach Sex’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure, and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
Women Teach Sex: All you get in long distance relationships is ‘I miss you’ sex
But it actually bangs differently.
What’s sex actually like in a long-distance relationship where lovers don’t see for several months? On #WomenTeachSexByPulse today, our subject is very candid and detailed about the motions and temptations, and frustrations of a woman’s sex life when her partner is hardly ever there to see her through horny days and lonely nights.
Can you remember the first time you became aware of sex?
That would be a porn video I found on our housecleaner’s phone. It was a video of a woman rubbing herself while she was naked while a man watched. I was probably nine years old. I had never thought about bodies that way before, it made me really curious.
And how was that curious phase for you?
Well, the closest thing I had access to for content like that was TV. Years later, I got a phone and I had access to porn. It satisfied my curiosity.
Tell me about the first time you tried having sex though
I was 20. My friend invited me to a conference in his school. Yes, the conference was important but it was also an opportunity for us to meet. We had been in the ‘talking stage’ for months and we hadn't seen each other in a very long time. There was a deep connection between us, it made everything exciting all through. Painful? A bit. Amazing? hell yeah!
What were your expectations going into the act?
I’d read a lot about sex, watched a million videos, and listened to podcasts too. I kept a very open mind. But I didn't really have any expectations per se. I just wanted to have a good idea of what may or may not happen. That made it an interesting experience.
So what’s your sex life like these days?
It is not very regular due to distance but when it happens, amazing! We meet like once a month, sometimes, once in two months. In between all that, a lot of video calls, pictures and all that.
Did you know this was going to be a long distance relationship from the jump?
Yeah, I saw that coming. We were in different schools and now, we are in different cities. Lol, I'm sure I would have made a lot of noise about not liking the idea of a LDR if someone had asked me this hypothetically.
And the idea didn’t scare of bother you when it was time to make the decision?
Yeah, it did. But not a lot. I just thought 'oh well, we'll make it work somehow .' Recently, he moved even farther away from where he was before and I felt like it would make things even more difficult. But somehow, it works. Sex definitely isn't like a core point of our relationship right now. There's more focus on keeping in touch as much as we can and that's working just fine. He makes a lot of conscious effort and that's assuring I guess. I'm less worried than I would be if he wasn't.
Love to see it. What’s the longest time you’ve had to wait though?
Omo. This must have been tough, even if for a bit, yes?
Yes, it was crazy. Very crazy. But my partner and I are very adventurous in a way that it keeps us connected sexually even when we are away from each other.
Gist me about the adventurous part
Lol. So we used to exchange porn links, talk about the content, have the most detailed phone sex conversations, and all that. We have a lot of fun with that and it makes the whole thing easier and a bit more bearable. It also makes the next time we meet more mind-blowing.
Hehe. Must be nice
I know right. And there’s also the occasional masturbation. We are also looking to invest in sex toys. I should try that soon.
Let’s talk about the role of trust in all of this
Oh. Trust is a big factor. D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. It's all rooted in trust. Take that away, I don't think there'll be anything else left.
Have you ever been tempted to break that trust though?
Yep. Definitely crossed my mind that I could if I wanted to but naaaah, I wouldn't. I’m the type who needs to be romantically connected with a person before I engage in anything sexual. Right down to kissing.
You sound pretty pleased with your sex life currently
Omo. I am oh. Can’t even lie.
I feel you. But do you think things would have been different if you had had closer partners in the past before having this long-distance experience?
I had a boyfriend before this current relationship. We quarreled a lot and we weren't very intimate. I would never have considered having sex with him. In this current relationship, we're really connected and it just works. I think it's this way because we communicate and there's that connection.
I’m going to ask you a bunch of random questions now
How long should a round of sex last?
Ten to fifteen minutes
What would you teach men about sex if you could gather them all in one place?
Oh dear, the first thing is to LISTEN! The lady knows her body (I hope). Pay attention to what she says she likes or how she guides you. Erm, ladies, speak up!
Hehehe. This sounds like it’s coming from a place of personal pain
Hahaha. Funny thing, this is mostly from stories I have heard and read. I learnt early to communicate what is going on in my head but that will only make a difference if the man is listening.
Couldn’t agree more. What is the most ignorant opinion you’ve heard from a man concerning women’s bodies?
Ugh! That has to be the very ignorant idea that a virgin must bleed. Kill a chicken if you want to see blood.
What does sexual pleasure really mean to you?
Fulfilment in the moment and after sexual activity.
Explain a little more, please
For me, pleasure means attention in the right places in the right way. All of that means satisfaction during the activity and some kind of joy after.
How would you rate your own sex skills?
Very good. An 8 actually. All the credit goes to research, communication, and well, practice.
Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?
Loool. Naaah. Oh wait, does making out on top of a very high building count?
I guess. Tell me about the best sex you ever had
The ‘I miss you’ kind. We hadn't seen each other in a long long time.
Lol. Understandable, coming from you
Why do you think it banged though?
Well, we had missed each other. Plus, we communicate pretty well.
What’s one act/fantasy you’d love to try but haven’t been able to?
Don’t f***ing kill me. Why flashing though? Any particular backstory here?
Hahahaa… I don't think there is a backstory, I am sure a psychologist will connect this to my upbringing or something lol. I just think it’s bold and adventurous. I like it.
What is that sexual thing you think every woman must do so they won’t get old and die of regrets?
Errr. I am all for the sexiest lingerie and craziest styles but I think the sexiest thing a woman can do/be is to fall in love with her body, wholly and truly.
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