Real Stories: My boyfriend is gay, and I didn’t know for years

We met during NYSC. He was tall, intelligent, neat to a fault, and knew how to make me laugh even when I was broke and had hormonal mood swings. 

Let’s call him Tunde. He was one of those soft-spoken, sweet guys who’d cook for me, send long texts, buy me thoughtful gifts. I used to say, “God, I’m so lucky!”

We dated for almost three years. He never pressured me for sex, which I thought was respectful. In fact, he always said, “Let’s wait till marriage.”

And I respected that. I told my friends, “Not every guy is led by his d**k. Some men still have values.” They were sceptical, but I defended him like a courtroom lawyer.

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Looking back, the signs were there. He never looked at other girls. He was obsessed with skincare and interior decor. All his closest friends were men, and I never met any of them, not even one. He said they were “private.” He also hated it when I touched his phone or tried to follow him on social media. I called it boundaries. I called it maturity. I called it love.

Then one day, everything fell apart. I had just gotten a new phone and was trying to connect to our shared WiFi. I typed in the wrong password, and his email auto-filled. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the inbox.

That’s when I saw it.

Dozens of emails. Nude pictures. Messages like, “I miss your lips”, “That thing you did last night got me shaking.” All from men. Grown men.

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I thought it was a prank. My hands were shaking. I went to the bathroom, threw up, and came back praying it was a hallucination. But no. It was real. My boyfriend, the man I was planning to marry, was gay. And he’d never told me. He was living two lives. Loving me in the daylight and loving men in the dark.

When I confronted him, he broke down crying. He said he didn’t know how to tell me. That he thought being with me would “fix” him. That he wanted to be normal, and that I was the closest thing to salvation he had.

But I’m not a rehab. I can’t just “fix” your sexuality. I left him and blocked him everywhere. But I’ve never fully healed.

He lied to me. He used me. I can’t believe I used to think he was the perfect guy. I gave my heart to someone who was never truly mine.

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