Here's how to get back with your ex — without getting hurt all over again

Romance is spontaneous sometimes, and if you and your ex have been exchanging more than casual pleasantries on WhatsApp lately, you might be feeling tempted to see where it will lead this time.

The sparks haven't truly died, have they?

This is, hey, a judgment-free zone. So, let's address this in a mature way: an ex, they say, is an ex for a reason. But not all relationships end on a sour note.

Sometimes, it's just life. They traveled to advance their studies and you two couldn't keep up with the long distance. Maybe they just relocated out of town because of a new job and you couldn't leave together.

Or maybe you both thought your genotypes were incompatible (yes, this happens).

Now, they are back and ready to mingle. They're sending you lunch at work, commenting on your status updates more frequently, liking all your posts on Instagram, and making time for a longer call duration than before.

You're not out of your mind if you start thinking: is this happening all over again? Am I falling in love with my ex all over again?

They are still as charming. They still get you — your quirks, weaknesses, habits, passions, and even fears.

READ ALSO: 5 unexpected ways your ex is still affecting your current relationship

They probably still speak your language. They know you prefer the burnt part of jollof rice and your plantain slightly brown. Ah. That familiarity.

So, going back to your ex, should you pursue it or that ship has sailed completely?

While no one can truly decide for you, let's break it down to prevent your heart from shattering all over again.

Be brutally honest with yourself here. Are you missing them, or are you missing the comfort?

Also, loneliness is sneaky. It can dress itself up as “I still love them” when really, you just hate being single during wedding season. If your reason for going back is based on boredom, loneliness, or because you hate the dating apps, then maybe it's not love but impatience.

READ MORE: Here are 6 things you can do if you want your ex back

The most important question: has anything actually changed? If the issues that broke you up are still sitting in the corner like uninvited guests, then guess what? They’ll still be there, ready to crash the reunion party.

People don’t magically transform because you’ve had time apart. If they were emotionally unavailable, terrible at communicating, or allergic to commitment back then, what’s different now? And please, don’t fall for the “I’ve changed” speech unless you’ve actually seen evidence. Change is visible. It’s consistent. It’s not just them saying, “I’m better now” over a coffee date.

Listen, time is funny: it has a way of making us forget the bad parts.

You’ll remember the long walks, the silly inside jokes, and the way they made you feel safe.

Meanwhile, your brain conveniently forgets the crying at 2 a.m., the arguments over the same thing for the tenth time, or the fact that they never actually met your emotional needs.

EXPLORE: 5 ways to protect yourself from a bitter ex

If you’re going to consider going back, you need to remember the relationship as it was, not as your nostalgia wants to repaint it.

Now, here are the green flags you want to look out for (because sometimes, let's be fair, going back can work):

• Both of you have done real personal growth, not just in theory, but in action.

• The breakup was due to timing or circumstances, not toxic behaviour or deal-breakers.

• You’ve had enough distance to heal. You’re not still raw from the breakup, and you can talk about the past without turning it into a fight.

• You’ve both addressed the exact reasons things ended. Not brushed them under the rug — addressed them.

If all or most of these apply in your case, then you might be both on to something.

READ THIS: Here are 5 ways to move on from a bad relationship in a mature way

If any of these apply, save yourself the trouble:

• They’re still the same person with the same issues.

• They only want you back because they’re lonely or bored.

• They’re trying to “win you” instead of working on a healthy relationship.

• You feel anxious or unsafe around them.

• You’re ignoring red flags because “this time will be different.”

Spoiler: if nothing’s changed, it won’t be different.

RECOMMENDED: My ex comes back after I've fallen for someone else; what should I do now?

If you’ve thought it through and decided to give it another try, here’s how to go in with your eyes open:

• Start slow: You’re not picking up where you left off, you’re starting fresh. Think of it as dating a familiar stranger.

• Have the uncomfortable conversations early: Talk about what went wrong before and what you’ll do differently this time.

• Set clear boundaries: Emotional, physical, even social. Just because they used to have 24/7 access to you doesn’t mean they get that again right away.

• Look for consistency, not promises: Words are easy; habits are the real proof.

• Keep your support system close: Friends who love you will notice red flags you’re too smitten to see.

Be sure to prioritise your wellbeing and personal development, refusing to "settle". You're older now, and hopefully, wiser.

Yes, it might fail. But all relationships are a risk. You go in, betting that it would work. The question is, is this risk worth it knowing what you now know? If you’re entering with clarity, boundaries, and your eyes wide open, you’ll at least know you gave it a real shot — and not just because you were craving comfort.

Getting back with an ex is not automatically a terrible idea. Sometimes, the timing wasn’t right before, but it is now. Sometimes, people really do grow.

But be sure you have clear answers to these: Do I want this person, or do I just miss the version of me I was when I was with them? One answer leads to a potentially healthier, happier chapter. The other? Well, it leads to the same ending you’ve already read.

YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS: "My boyfriend's ex is pregnant for him, should I leave?"