Most of us are rightly outraged and watched or read in disbelief, the most recent allegations of child abuse and torture coming from California. From Natascha Kampusch to Elizabeth Smart, Elisabeth Fritzl to Jaycee Dugard, victims of the evil Dutroux, Rose and Fred West and the Moors murderers; these are all tragic stories that have shocked us over the years.

Perhaps the more because of the aura of respectability that surrounded the families. Loving, cuddly, benign-looking grandmas and grandpas that neighbours felt were upright. Calm-looking parents always around well-behaved children. And if you haven’t guessed it already, there is the link – ‘family.’

That so-perfect and desired normal of a two-parent family, the postcard ideal. Why does the image so often blind us to the reality behind the scenes?

Single mother phobia

Countless women have tried to rent accommodation in Nigeria and been told by the landlord that they do not accept single women. To say I loathe the phrase ‘single woman’ or ‘single mother’ does not begin to describe my sentiment. When the woman happens to have a partner, does that then make her a double parent? There is a negativity or a sniff of the nose about it that smacks of pseudo-morality.

This disturbing trend of making champions of the mum, dad and 2.2 children model creates the illusion that a perfect family structure exists and that a traditional structure stands for good, while all else stands for ill. Those with a penchant for curtain twitching, ferociously make judgment on a woman’s morality simply because she is unattached to a partner.

Yet, atrocities are being committed by the seemingly respectable.

How many times has a group of women walked into a party and the wives are shooting daggers, enough to make the event uncomfortable for the least resilient? Who hasn't heard the advice given by supposed well-wishers to shun their unmarried friends, both to avoid them ‘stealing’ their husbands and to maintain a moral high ground?

How many times has a woman been overlooked or disrespected owing to the absence of a wedding band? That ring is the difference between a quick nod and a snorted “sister” and a good morning, madam. Marital status is still our benchmark for presumed respectability.

Nothing is as it seems

I am by no means saying that the above-mentioned crimes are peculiar to families, but pointing out that there is a lesson for us in this. Crimes with a similar thread across continents, teach us that most important of lessons: nothing is as it seems. Neither am I saying that to hanker after an ideal is wrong. Where two people with shared beliefs decide to marry (or dare I say, cohabit) and to raise children with love, it can only be a positive thing. But, and it’s a big but, families vary in their arrangement.

Let’s not disparage those that don’t fit an ideal that exists only in our imagination. Let’s not confuse religion with virtue. Some religious people can and do commit evil acts, just as good exists inside those we would least expect it.

Ladies, refuse to be defined by whether you’re married or not!

Written by Lande Abudu

Lande has nearly twenty years’ experience in diverse fields that run the gamut from commercial banking, newspaper columnist and correspondent to management in non-governmental organisations both in Nigeria and the UK. She sits on the board of the Cowbell Football Academy.    Instagram: @landeabudu