The position of men in the family

The words ‘equal partnership’ to the ears of a typical African person, is an abomination. Note, that I did not say African man but African person because, in our society both men and women have been brought up to see the man as the head in every aspect of life, especially in the family.

Someone once said to me that for a marriage to last long, the woman must know and accept that she is inferior to her husband. And that, if a woman wants to be seen as an equal she must NEVER get married.

I said to this person, a marriage lasting long, let's say forty or fifty years does not mean that the marriage is a successful marriage. To me, I believe there is a huge difference between a lasting marriage and a successful marriage.

A marriage where love, companionship, friendship,  support, trust and most importantly happiness, no longer exists but only cohabitation and unrequited sacrifices, to me,  is not a successful marriage. But, since our society thinks otherwise, many people are miserable within the closet of their marriages but, are happy in the eyes of the world.

Another reason I have heard been given to justify the position of a man as the head of the family, is that the anatomy of a man makes him the head. In other words,  a man is the head of the family simply because he is a man,  no other reason. If this doesn't sound ridiculous, I don't know what else does.

I believe in the institution of marriage but, I don't agree that the man should be the head of the family. Marriage should be about equal partnership, where both parties in the marriage respect each other. It shouldn't be a Master-servant relationship. I believe that when two people get married they become equal, no matter the age difference and no matter the gender.

Both the husband and the wife should be responsible for making decisions in the home,  they should both be responsible for taking care of the home. A home should not be built on stereotypical gender roles where it is the sole responsibility of the woman to cook, clean, take care of the children etc.

A man can do this too, doing these things does not reduce the value and self-worth of man. And when he actually does these things, he should not see it as helping his wife, because he is not helping her,  he is doing his duty. After all, they eat the food together,  they live in the same house and they make the children together.

When a woman contributes financially to the home,  it should not be seen as her helping her husband, it should be seen as her doing her duty because, she is a part of the marriage.

Also, women should stop seeing sex as simply something they owe their husbands. No, sex is something that both partners should enjoy not some horrid duty that a woman must bear just to satisfy her husband. So, yes both parties have a duty to make sure that they both enjoy sex.

And finally, in a marriage both partners have voices, they have opinions, they have choices,  they have brains and they can think for themselves. They shouldn't impose their choices or opinions on one another. They should engage in healthy arguments,  that would eventually lead to a united decision when it comes to family issues.

Marriage should not be a master-servant relationship or a King and subject relationship.  It should be a relationship where friends become life partners. A man shouldn't be seen as the head of the family, rather he should be seen as a part of the family. A man and a woman are each one half of the family and they complement each other.

Written by Aminat Sanni-Kamal.

Aminat Sanni-Kamal is a blogger and a writer. @ aminatawastories.comShe is an unapologetic feminist and a serious foodie. I love love, I love friendships and I love adventures.The most important things to me are God, writing and family.I'm on instagram , Facebook and Pinterest as @aminatawa and Twitter @amina_tawa