Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter: Crazy Romantic Mushin Fights

‘There’s no love in Mushin, men!’

I sat down on the balcony of a duplex, staring at 2 able-bodied men fighting in pidgin English on a busy street. They were cursing in Yoruba, and trying to tear themselves apart with heavy blows. A crowd had gathered, and cheered happily. Grateful for all the entertainment it offered. The place was in Mushin, and I still can’t recall why I had found myself in Mushin. Of all places Mushin. But here I was, and I, Joey Akan, was witnessing a street battle.

I have never liked Mushin. Even if the roads are laid in diamond, and the houses in the most brilliant of gold, I will never like Mushin. Popular legend tells the story that during the war in Heaven, when Satan was cast to earth, together with his demons, he landed in Mushin first, before he made the trip to Ajegunle, Bariga, some parts of Lagos Island, then hell. So you see the connection? They’re all similar places. (Disclaimer! I pulled that story out of my ass. Believe it, only if you love big, majestic farts).

I had found myself in Mushin, in pursuit of one hot sexy babe. I have been on her case for over a month, so when I got her invite to visit her home, I was delighted. I had a new haircut (an expensive one), wore the best perfume Yaba can offer, and rocked my Sunday shoe. Trust my shirt and trousers. Only James Bond would have looked, smelled, and smiled better than I did.

But when I got the address, and it read ‘Mushin’. My appetite for love vanished. Poof! I didn’t want again. But then I had given her my word, and being a principled lover boy, my word is my bond. If I tell a lady, that I’ll steal the moon for her. Then that night, the moon will certainly vanish from outer space. I am that good.

I finally made my way to Mushin, and men! I witnessed 4 street fights. Two were over ‘baba Ijebu’, one over a woman, and the last one was over a person taking a piss in the wrong place. I almost got into a fight myself, because I spoke ‘grammar’ to an Agbero. And then that was it.

I have long ended my love affair with that lady, after I received a slap for speaking that ‘grammar’. I can’t die for love. Neither do I find it romantic, taking slaps for a lady. I am Joey Akan, not Romeo Montague. She’s definitely not Juliet Capulet, and Mushin is not Venice. Shakespeare lied.

See you next week.