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Relationship Talk With Bukky I’ve been married for only 7 months but I'm tired already

Three months ago, I suffered a miscarriage and I believe it has a lot to do with my stress levels in this union.

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Sadness play

Sadness

(Woman NG)
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Dear Bukky, 

My husband and I have been married for 7 months now. Already, I’m feeling unhappy in the relationship. The problem is that he is very stingy. Ours is somehow a long distance relationship since I work 5 hours drive away from him. There, I always pay my rent, bills, saloon bills, clothes, shoes... you get the picture. He has never done a thing for me! I am like a single and independent lady (Just that now I have less money to myself than I used to).

On the other hand, I’m required to chip in some funds in the farm (his venture), his business, when his mum is sick and requires medication and; to help build our house. Our house yes but none of my views were factored in concerning the design and location of the house.

Whenever I gave a contrary opinion about the house he would get angry and stop the conversation. It's his way or no way at all! He is a stingy chauvinistic male. Did I tell you he has never gone home to visit my parents, other than to ask for my hand in marriage?! Always saying he doesn't have enough funds to shop for them at the moment.

Honestly, I don't know why I married him. I had called off our 2 year engagement since it had dragged on for too long and we quarreled over silly issues. After the break-up, his mum called me to salvage the relationship, called my dad and before I could say yes or no, the wedding date and venue was set (by my husband and his mum-yes, they have that kind of relationship since he is the last born.)

Three months ago, I suffered a miscarriage and I believe it has a lot to do with my stress levels in this union. All medical tests came back negative. 

What should I do now? Please help.
_____________

Dear reader,

I think you have a couple of options here: one of them is to communicate. It is the most obvious yet most effective thing.

Lay out all your concerns and hear what he has to say. Tell him the changes you’d like him to effect and see how he reacts to them. And please, make sure your communication is reasonably respectful and not too impassioned. Coming at him too hard may negate the whole point of communicating.

If you feel he won’t listen to you, or if you have already communicated and nothing has changed so far, your other option is to involve a marriage counsellor or therapist.

Your marriage is a bit too early to give up on without trying to salvage it.

_____________________

My girlfriend is acting strange

Dear Bukky,

I am a Nigerian, born and raised in Cameroon but currently residing in Nigeria. 

I have two disturbing issues here. Firstly, the girl I want to marry is a Cameroonian but her parents and most family members are saying no. The reason for their objection is that I'm a Nigeria and according to them, Nigerians have questionable characters. But my girl has been by me and insists on marrying me. 

Of recent, however, I have realised that my girl has changed drastically. She is no longer caring as before, she doesn't respect me that much anymore. Her new attitude got me thinking and I decided to find out if she still cares. 

We had an issue and I threatened to end the relationship. This was only a ploy to see if she would beg to stay. She never did such. Rather, she said if the relationship ends, she wouldn't bug her head, and that she would move on. 

Presently we are not in talking terms and this has been going on for the past three days. She feels too big to talk to me or apologize for her unruly attitude. 

Please advise me on this matter.
______________

Dear reader;

In my opinion, it is you who owes your partner an apology. It is never OK to test the strength of your relationship with the kind of stunt you pulled on her. Really, that’s not so cool.

The fact that you are surprised at her response is actually ridiculous, too, if I am to be completely honest with you. I mean, that she would move on from you is what will eventually happen if you dump her. So why are you shocked that she mentioned that?

That you were hoping for her to beg to stay with you says a lot about the state of your mind; and the earlier you stopped viewing that woman as the lucky person in your relationship, the better.

 You’re just as lucky to have her as she is to have you. You are not doing her a favour by dating her. The tone of your email suggests that you think you are.

Please change this disposition towards your woman and the relationship. And you are the one who owes that woman an apology, not her.

You asked for my advice. That’s as honest as it gets.
________________
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