Your hated Nigerian artiste is going broke, and here’s how you can benefit from it

Today is one of those sad days, according to the Nigerian economic analysts’ .

We are in a recession goddamnit! That’s what is being bandied around, as people write long articles about the end of the world, the coming of the Antichrist, and how we Nigerians will feel the brunt of our economic mismanagement.

It is being chanted on the streets, everyone is feeling the bite of the season, and our beloved Naira is one a downward spiral against the Dollar. Where we stupidly did complain about having to exchange 169 units of our currency to a Dollar, we now have to part with over 400 of it.

We are hammered, and we know it.

Every one of us is feeling it. You (yes, you reading this article), you are currently affected by it in many ways, your parents, friends, brothers, and even your pastors. Go around the holy houses, and analyze the offering box, on Sundays. There’s a marked reduction of how much people give to God these days.

The Nigerian artistes too are feeling it. Those people whose major task on earth is to record music, appear fly in classy visuals, and pop the greatest of Champagnes and cognacs on camera. Those people you love to hate on Instagram, and comment at their every display of flamboyance and opulence.

These people are currently feeling the bite of it too, as the shows and concerts that bring in the big bucks in this industry are slowly drying up. What this means is that they too will be broke, just like you, and will feel the pangs of not having enough in your pocket to flex. They won’t go hungry, but the displays will be reduced.

But while this is happening to our musicians, Nigerians need to benefit. We need songs about recession.

These are the early days of the situation, so it isn’t biting with all of its teeth. There are still pockets of cash to maintain for the next few months, and perhaps, enough to close bars across Lagos. But just like winter in the Game of Thrones, it is inevitable. Brokeness is coming, and the recession will rule the land.

When this happens, we will have an avalanche of recession songs. Musicians will compose songs about chilling in their father’s house, with no paper to spend, and no cheese to floss. They would grant interviews about their next songs, and when they mention that they are “Going for broke’, we will all take it literally. It’s broke season baby! Let’s turn up with no paper and get high on local gin. Shekpe is the new cool!

My money is on Skales to score a broke hit. He understands how to be broke, and to be down and under. After leaving EME, that guy had a personal mega-recession. He understood brokenness and having nothing in your pocket. But thanks to God, ‘Shake body’ changed his story. Halleluyah!

It will be interesting to hear how these stars will spin it. How they will all compete to be the brokest of them all, and hustle to score broke hit, after broke it, after broke hit. Maybe Olamide will show up at the next Headies Awards and say “Every recession single was broke, back to back!

So for now, chill and relax. Savor the feeling that your celebrities are going broke too. Listen to the songs about extravagant living on radio and be patient. Turn the volume way down, so it doesn’t disturb you too much. Suffer these songs for now because deep down you know, that their happiness won’t last for long, and the hater in you will have the last laugh.

Chop knuckles, and sip your water. Your time will come.