Pulse TGIF: 5 Things TO Avoid For The Perfect Weekend

Now you look forward to having that peaceful, calm and fulfilling weekend snoozing, but hey!  Watch your back!  There are traps at home, traps you didn’t know existed because they all looked like lollipops or your favorite meal of…….(fill that in. I ain’t yo mama).

So in the kindness of www.pulse.ng, we all have come up with an approved (by NAFDAC) list of toxic happenstances and individuals for you to avoid. Read, learn, enjoy, and don’t forget, we want you alive. Unless your will has our name in it.

1. Mad Cops.

While driving home from work, always know this, the smiling policeman is not your friend. So when he says “stop dia”, just obey without complaint. He’s got a mean-looking 1960 gun that sure has little or no control. So park well my brother. Give him his due, and you’ll be due to carry on with the TGIF- spirit. Trust me; you don’t want to die from a 1960 gun. That’s so 1960, right? Cool. So deal with him the best you can because when you die let it be on your own terms, and not while you have higher matters like clubbing and smoking French Friday cigars on your mind. So bring out that wallet, and make the police your friend. Nice and easy.

2.Crying Kids.

Kids are lovable, angelic, saintly, sweet, adorable, and nice to have around, until they turn on the water works. It’s not just the heart-wrenching sight of their teary faces, who cares? It’s the headache-inviting sound of the cries itself. It slowly saps out your will to live. So where’s there’s no will, there’s no life. And if you actually had the coital strength (and lack of control) to produce a little army of them crying beauties, then your weekend will be better spent in an abacha-styled prison, than with your crying angels. So here’s what to do; You simply bundle them off to your parent’s home. At least they get to see ‘Granny’ and you get a chance to actually have a weekend. And don’t feel guilty about sending them off. What are grandparents for anyway? Other than to remind you of your mortality and to take care of your crying kids. And kids love grandparents. Seems weird but they seem to have a thing for old bones and white hair.

3. Nagging Wife.

For better for worse, in sickness and in health…till death do us part. But I didn’t hear the pastor stating categorically that you have to be the one to visit Baba God first. Nah. It’s not necessary that you join the long list of dunderheads who were mad enough to fall prey and die for their female love. Romeo was weak, Jack from the titanic had survival issues, but not you. You are typical naija breed, hard man from the loins of your papa. So here’s what you’ll do. You first play the loving husband, and when she quarrels and grabs her mortar pestle, you grab your car key, drive to the hottest jolly center and enjoy. Life’s too short to pass away in quarrels with a wife, it’ll be more pleasant passing it rocking to some owambe beat from Pasuma wonder.

4. Landlords.

In the www.pulse.ng dictionary of Nigeria, the opposite of relaxation is Landlord. Never have your landlord contact you over the weekend. That’s when they know that NEPA wants their bill, your front lawn is untidy, your rent is up for renewal, even your pet dog has to pay ‘marching ground’ fee. This destabilizes your mind, making relaxation seem so much of a luxury. So here’s what you’ll do. Move away for the weekend. Go to Obudu (only if you can afford it), or take the nearest cab to your friend’s house and relax. At least his landlord will disturb, but not you. And frankly, you don’t care.

5. Drinking.

Alcohol is much recommended for the relaxing weekend, but a huge amount of it will also make you relax…in a nearby gutter. So drink to your heart’s content. But just make sure your heart and your brain’s capacity are both working in sync. If not, then my brother, you don enter one chance.

I rest my case…see you next week.