Parenting, family, love and discipline

Getting a full understanding of these four words these days may be a little challenging. The truth is that the approach to parenting has evolved vastly over recent generations and there is actually no rulebook that gives us the perfect instructions to build a perfect family unit and groom our children appropriately.

However, there are some very basic concepts, which we should recognise as essential for our loved ones.  One of them is discipline.

In previous generations in Nigeria, the expression, “Spare the rod and spoil the child” was taken almost literally in many households. The fear of the parent was the beginning of the child’s wisdom. That fear was what drove most children then to behave themselves, as disobedience in even the slightest form would be met with either a slap on the face or the impact of another form of a weapon (such as a belt or cane) against any another part of the child’s body.

Many argue that parents of the generations of the past were wicked and that their relationships with their children were devoid of any form of emotional connection. On speaking to a few of them, it turns out that this actually holds true to some extent.

But now, as a result of this, children of that generation who have now become parents themselves strongly desire to alter their approach to parenting from what they themselves had experienced. When asked, they often say that they want to give their children a better childhood than what they had.

So, this raises the question, “What is a better childhood?” And this is a very complex question because there are numerous factors (e.g. religion, family structure, location, social class, education etc), which influence the way we are brought up and therefore the methods we apply to bringing up our children.

We are all products of our environments, so it is difficult to fully define what the right or wrong approaches are. However, there seems to be a trend, which is beginning to emerge amongst millennials (ages 18 – 34). This is a generation of young people who were/are brought up by parents who went though the “spare the rod and spoil the child” parenting method described above.

While some of parents of millenials may have gotten it right, and have produced adults who, to a large extent are well behaved, independent and responsible; some others have produced some who are entitled and somewhat spoilt. These parents may have neglected the need for discipline in their parenting method, thereby giving their children far too much leeway or maybe they attempt to overcompensate for what they did not get when they were children. It could also be a combination of both, as well as many other factors.

What seems to be happening now, especially amongst the wealthy in our society is that children are now living the lifestyle that they cannot afford because they get away with so much with very little restrictive efforts coming from their parents e.g. regular luxurious trips abroad (some of which are unsupervised), late night outings, purchase of designer wear, driving luxury cars etc.

Parents by default want to give their children the best, which is great and is also dependent on what they can afford to do. However, discipline still plays a huge role in the approach that parents take towards this.

It is important that children are brought up with a strong values system, discipline and realistic expectations of their lifestyles, such that they take a progressive approach. However, these days, we find millenials who want everything in full and NOW: they want to get a senior position at work, drive a certain type of car, live in a certain area, go on holiday a certain minimum number of times a year…. BUT they are not willing or ready to work to fulfil all their desires.

So this is why it is very common these days to hear of young ladies who come from well to do backgrounds and have “sugar-daddies” who sponsor their lifestyles when they leave their parents’ homes. They are not accustomed to the fact that their lives outside the comfort of their parents’ home may not be the same, and that they would have to build up what they want for themselves by themselves.

The same issue is gradually becoming popular amongst young men as well. This does not disregard the fact that the cost of living in Lagos is on the rise in comparison to what young people earn these days (and may genuinely need support from their parents), but when people start to attempt to go overboard and live a lifestyle that they cannot afford, that is where the issues of discipline and out values system become revealed.

When our children end up like this, we should question whether or not we really love them. If we loved them enough we should be able take a more disciplined approach towards teaching them the realities of life and the important role that hard work, and not entitlement, plays towards getting the life that they desire. If we do not start to do this right, should we not be worried about our future generations?

Written by Oyin Egbeyemi

Oyin Egbeyemi is an engineer-turned-consultant-turned-educationist, runner and writer. She blogs at and you can follow her on instagram (@samantha_brwn) or twitter (@OyinEgbeyemi)