Joey’s Chronicles Of A Lagos Ajebutter: “How To Get A Lagos Chic #2”

Last week I made a lot of friends, and more enemies. Even my girlfriend threatened to quit our romantic agreement because she felt that I used ‘yankee wayo’ to capture her small heart. But that’s no problem. Either by hook or a bit of crook, all’s fair in this business of love.

Today, I, Joey Akan,

#4. Blow Big Grammar!

So you have an accent now from watching all the Kim Kardashians and listening to Justin Timberlake have sex in the studio. Now with a good accent, and no quality of words, how can she stay hooked with you? Or would you speak ‘janded’ pidgin English, or use Yoruba or Igbo when the love is ‘sweetinng’ you? No!

Buy a dictionary. You know those big horrible ones that scare the shit out of your ass, yes. Buy that one. With dictionaries, the bigger the better. I read big boring dictionaries a lot. That’s why I use words like “slalom, apogee, gobsmacked, memento mori, archipelago, grandiloquent, tryst, clandestine…and occasionally, romantic terms like lilly poppins, ruby rosebuds, milady of fair proclivities.

She might not understand most of them, but use them. So when next you watch TV and a man tries to use big words, she’ll tap her friend, mother, or lazy dog, and say, he cannot speak more than my boyfriend.

#5. Always Call

Catching a Lagos chick is like trying to be omnipresent. Bad news is, only the Big Guy up in heaven can achieve that. Cream Lagos chicks are like hot red velvet cakes dipped in original honey from Ijebu Ode. They are being attacked by hungry, randy, attention-starved males every day and every time. You have to deal with that everyday. It’s feels like bullshit, but you have to. No be you dey find woman?

To make things easy, for you and your proposed Lagos Chick, (and hard for the hordes of chicks-starved males), you have to achieve try to be with her by calling constantly. Like pervading her subconscious with your presence, and the sound of your accented voice (with big grammar). I don’t mean you should call her 9 times every day, asking her…

‘What’s your soup of the day?’

The only reply you are entitled to, and will get is ‘See, this chef, stop disturbing me!”

You see? No love, no fine Lagos Chick, just you and your dry self. Call her sparingly, and try to leave an impression every time. Optimally caller her twice a day, first, then later thrice, and then go back to twice. Anything other than that and you’ll be called a ‘disturbance’.

#6. Go On Dates

Every Lagos chick wants to have fun. And fun costs good money. No matter how creative you get, you must spend that money o. You cannot have free fun. Except in your dreams.

Thou must constantly take her out. Buy expensive dinners, attend parties, some would love to club, and you must take them there. Movies nko? You must go. That’s how a Lagos Chick wants to have outdoor fun. And while the both of you aspiring lovebirds are on these dates, you must never fall her hands. Dress smart or casual, be groomed, wear a good cologne (just in case she wants to rest on your ches or shoulder, you must smell like a garden of jasmines). Never complain, or be grumpy. Try to make her laugh. Ladies always love to laugh.

That’s enough from me. You must always abide by these rules. Combine these, with last week’s tips, and your Lagos Chick-hunt will be successful. Good luck.

See you next Tuesday.