Never use 'Banana fall on you' on a woman, it will fall your hand

As a fruit, banana annoys the heck out of me. It’s almost too sugary, forms an absurd but fascinating clique with groundnut, and together, they have given Nigerians many happy moments.

But right now, Banana makes me angry, and angers the living hell out of me. Since the emergence of Nigerian pop sounds, Banana has become a euphemism for penis, and it is showing up in our music, left, right and center.

“Banana fall on you.”

Unlike banana, I have always had a soft spot for Davido. That young man with plenty of money, a rich father, and two baby mamas is living the life that many Nigerians attend night vigils, begging God for. And he is not humble about it. He is seeking new ways to rub it into our noses and make us dance to his bragging.

The first day I heard “30 billion for the akant oh,” I danced like a fool for 30 seconds, before my brain began to give me sense, and I sat down on the floor and cried my heart out for 30 minutes. See me and my foolishness, I am celebrating his “30 billion” while buying his music and giving him more money. Very soon, it will become “40 billion in the bullion van oh.”

Maybe then I will pack my bags and return to my village, where I will burn all my music disks, break my phone, and focus on planting Cassava in peace. But even then I will not be safe. Tekno will not allow me eat my Cassava without offering his ‘Cassava’ to all my village girlfriends.

What is this life? Eh?

But I like the song ‘Fall’. The record produced by Kiddominant has become one of the hottest songs in Africa, and everyone is singing, dancing and enjoying the record. Every time I hit the club, all the women become possessed by OBO’s spirit when that song comes on. As soon as they hear, “Money fall on you…” all their decades of home training, Pastor’s advice and expensive education just rolls into the gutter.

So after studying the magic of that song for some weeks, I decided to try it out on one girl. Her name is Chioma, and she has the backside of two trucks and seven barrels of oil. It’s like someone ordered it from God, and forgot to pick it up, so he just sent it to earth and Chioma was lucky to snatch it before any other girl.

Sharp girl. Booty snatcher.

I have been ‘toasting’ Chioma for two months now, but she has been toying with me. When you have that type of backyard, you will carry your shoulders up and be doing ‘Yanga’. But trust me, she didn’t know what hit her. I have Davido and ‘Fall’ by my side. They are my secret weapons and I will unleash it on her.

So one day, after I received my Pulse salary, I quickly dressed up right, and called her. I had arranged myself, waiting to live out Davido’s dream on that song, with this woman.

So the moment she showed up to my place, I activated my OBO swag.

“Money fall on you…”

I gave Chioma half my salary, and she began to smile. Greater white teeth hath no woman. I moved quickly to the next thing on the menu. Last week, I had thrown my money behind some fake high-grade Prada in Balogun market for the occasion. I handed it to her.

“Prada fall on you.”

She danced, hugged me like I was the saviour of her soul, and I knew that my life is about to change forever. While she was smiling, I brought out my phone and began to take photos of her. She posed like a celebrity on the red carpet, striking out her hips while I clicked away.

“Paparazzi follow you…”

So she has money, has Prada, and has enjoyed my paparazzi. The only thing left for it to complete now is the world’s greatest fruit of all time: “BANANA!”

So to prepare, I secret went into my bedroom, did 50 push-ups, punched into mirror dashed into the bathroom and had my bath. I was ready to do my ancestors proud. I could feel the first Akan who ever lived, look down from above and nod in pride and approval. It was time. The moment was now. Seize the bae!

“Banana fall on you…”

But this girl refused oh. She had made up her mind that I will not feed her banana. I begged, cried, knelt down and pled for three hours, but Chioma had no appetite for my fruit. I think she already had Cassava earlier in the day. She had no business with this banana.

After crying for three hours, she stood up, carried her money and her fake Prada, and walked to the door. I felt very sick. My temperature had risen, and my blood pressure was off the roof. I also needed to check my blood sugar level.

She turned around at the door, with a look of disgust on her face and said: “Are you done talking? Tell me Joey are you done talking…”

“My chest!!!” I screamed as I felt my heart stop beating.

I died on that day and never woke up. It is my ghost that is writing this story. And after I am done, at night, I will fly to Davido’s house and give him nightmares by haunting his dream. ‘Fall’ might have worked for him and given him more money, but for me, it killed me.

Never believe everything you hear on radio. Kids, stay safe.