Amebo Pulse: Hurricane Tonto (2), Wizkid The Big Kid, Don Jazzy Cham-Pee-agne

Happy Father’s day to me, and all the men with a smaller version of themselves. Una well done. Even for those wey no be men, but still get mind knock one lovesick girl, well, I don’t discriminate, so happy Boy-Father’s day. Father’s rock. Just in case una dey wonder wether father’s day never pass, well, for Amebo, Father’s day no dey end, because all my children (online) never fail to show me some love everyday.. So Happy Father’s day to all of una. Big Hug!

Now to the matter! Even though say I be person papa, I go still need chop, my children suppose go school so that they fit graduate follow become gossipers too. I want to be the greatest gossiper alive, I want to own a gossip dynasty, where the all the children wey I born with the help of Kerewa and Viagra go follow dey do talk talk. I have a dream, that one day, gossip will not bebdiscriminated against. But for now, Let’s go there.

Hurricane Tonto: The Boobs March Out!

Vengeance is of the Lord! Yes, na wetin my sweet mama always bin dey tell me when I been dey small. She was awesome, sweet and forgiving. Although she didn’t wait for God’s revenge when I wronged her. She quickly fired my yansh. My dad was quite cool, taught me to respect everyone, drink Gulder responsibly and chase women with dignity. But one thing he also never made me forget was not to laugh a man when he was down, because what goes around comes around.

Tonto Dikeh never got that advice. I no mean say she bin no get good papa, but the girl no dey listen. She stubborn well well. Her father said ‘A’, she did ‘Z’. So I don’t want anybody blaming her father. Happy father’s day, Daddy Tonto. Last week Tonto was in the news again. After flying to London, smoking weed, and celebrating her birthday with one Sexy Slim wey dey model for WHO (spread the message, not the virus). Then she ran to Iyanya’s Kukere concert where the weed wey she smoke carry her come stage. The girl kept walking round the stage and saying things about her smelly unshaved armpit. And trust us na, we just kept laughing and enoying ourselves because we kinda like smelly armpit. Tonto’s smelly armpit. Then finally, the weed threw her on the floor. So I started singing: ‘He that is low needs fear no fall, he that is high go fall, she wey go smoke weed, go dey fall and her booby go show.’ Yes, you saw the last part. Tonto fair fine booby poured out like champagne, and I saw it. Too bad I couldn’t touch….

Tonto, since you no dey listen to advice…well more weed to your booby!

Wizkid: Straight To The Mechanic.

About a month ago, Wizkid stole the hearts of all the girls in Nigeria when he decided to spend his voice-earned cash on a Porsche Panamera. I bin hear say the car cost about N50M. Yesso, a cool 50 milla! So as usual, the guy celebrate, shake him head, tweet the car, Instagram the tire, Facebook the crankshaft, then pour champagne for the bonnet. What a waste of champagne, because the car dey mechanic dey sleep now. Battered, shattered, knackered, tattered, by one small accident like that wey spoil N50M. According to my gist sources, the guy dey drive the car with plenty women inside. No wonder! I sure say Bola go dey touch him head, Shalewa go dey sing him name (Wizzy baby, Loke Loke), and then he’ll be getting a good head from Biodun. After all, there’s no law against driving, while getting a good head. But it appears that head was very expensive because it cost him N50M. And I darn hope it was worth it.

Anyway sha, he got a head, got an accident, and then the mechanic got a new job…Wizzy Baby,Loke loke…

Don Jazzy: Most Epensive Pee

Well, how much is your pee worth? A rat’s arse I guess. But I can authoritatively say that last week, the man with the most epensive pee was our very own Don Jazzy! Why? Don’t rush me. Listen. Mavin Records CEO, Don Jazzy put up the above photo of himself with a bottle of the World’s Most Expensive Champagne, Goût de Diamants‘ “Taste of Diamonds” on his Instagram page with the caption:

“So I was honored with the 1st bottle to touch Nigera. #Goûtdediamants cheers to the weekend. Cc #Mavin”.The champagne is worth N284 Million naira, and it has a diamonds scattered on the bottle. And Don Jazzy get mind drink am. In the end, na piss the guy go piss, but it will be Nigeria’s most expensive pee. Guiness book of records, are you listening?

Until next week jare! is tired!