‘Women Teach Sex’ is a weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure and what women expect good sex to be and feel like. Curated by a man, for men [mostly].
Women Teach Sex: Why do Nigerian men promise pleasure they can't give?
‘Men talk big on sex, but never back it up with action.’
Among other important requests, today's subject really just wants Nigerian men to always match their big sex talks with a big sex game.
How old are you?
Tell me about the your thoughts on sex before you started having it?
I have been fascinated with it for as long as I remember. I think it started after I read one 'Mills and Boon' novel in Primary school. [Mills and Boon is the name of a publisher, popular for churning out numerous romance fiction books]
Wait. In Primary school?
Yes o. In primary school. Reading those books even when I didn't really understand what I was reading made me curious. I wanted to know why sex existed, how it felt, how good it gets. It's why I decided to wait until I got to University before dating seriously and why I wanted my first time to be with someone older
And how was it?
It didn't suck. He was considerate, made sure I wasn't in too much pain. It got better after that
How old were you at this point?
I can’t remember for sure. But I must have been somewhere between 18 and 19. He was in his early or mid 20s. Like I said, I can’t remember much from that time. The timeline is blurry in my head.
So how far with sex since that first time? Consider this a CV of your sex life being putting together.
Lmao. It's been quite the experience. After my first boyfriend, I had way better sex with my second guy. I think that had to do more with me than him. I was free with him and articulated what I wanted, when I wanted it and our relationship was quite good. Still goes down as my best. I had the most sex with him than any other guy. After him, my sex life has been on and off. I have some good experiences, I have also had some where I couldn't wait for it to end.
Tell me the worst.
This guy I had known for years. We kinda grew up around each other and I had heard his gist. He was supposed to be this playboy/bad guy and we started talking. I didn’t take him seriously because, you know, his reputation preceded him and all that. But then it was just a period in my life when I was single and I was not seeing anyone and we just kept talking until I said yes to him. So we were officially in a relationship now and this guy comes visiting and let me reiterate that this is someone whose gist I have heard from people, and also from him. He had spoken a lot about his sexcapades with other people. So my expectations were quite high.
But it was terrible. Like, terrible. The kissing sucked, everything sucked. I couldn't wait for him to leave.
Exactly. I was just shocked and annoyed at how bad it was.
Sorry about that. Tell me what you consider to be the biggest kissing sins ever?
One is just sticking your tongue in someone’s mouth and leaving it there like a dead fish. That’s just… horrible. Don’t do that. That’s not kissing. If you must use tongue, please do it tastefully, sexily. Make it make sense. Another one is too much saliva. That’s disgusting. Please stop. And another one is biting too much. You don’t want your partner looking like they just kissed a beast or something.
That sexual connection you had with that your ex. Was it instantaneous?
Yes. It was. And here is why: I don’t meet people and just start having sex with them. And this cuts across every guy I have had a great sexual chemistry and enjoyed great sex with. I often create a bond and talk a lot about sex before eventually get to it. And these are not conversations had with the intention of having sex somewhere down the line. Many times, we just talk about sex in general. You know, just random conversations where we just pick up on information and stuff about each other’s likes and dislikes.
It really helps you understand the other person. By the time you do the deed, all this information you have, and the bond already created makes things easy, you know. Even the first time would feel almost perfect. I think that contributed a lot to the great sex I’ve enjoyed with partners.And it also helped that I could tell him what I want and how I wanted it. I think it is important for women to know this too.
Do you want to speak more on that?
No one is a mind reader. While an experienced guy can do wonderful things to you by virtue of knowledge and experience, it still makes life a lot easier to talk. Direct him, let him know what feels good, the level of intensity, the amount of pressure that makes sense. I am of the opinion that a man’s experience and a woman’s clear communication is the perfect blend for a cocktail of orgasms.
So from experience, how would you rate men's general knowledge of sex over 10?
I think I have been quite fortunate to have had more good than bad so I would say 8/9. I don’t like generalising because I think that every man every woman is different. I have learnt, in my experience, that if someone is into you, even if they are not experienced, they’d want to please you. But outside of my personal experience, from gist I hear from other women and stuff I have read, I think men are just 4. Do you want to know why?
I believe that we are in a society where women have been raised to cater to men and men have just been left to their own devices. So a lot of men don’t feel like they need to do anything. Like, they believe once they have money, can provide financial and material stuff for you, what more do you want? Like, effort no longer counts. This attitude bleeds into their sex life as well, honestly, where they don’t care or bother to know or learn how to really, really pleasure a woman or understand a woman’s body.
And then a lot of women also pretend, you know, they fake orgasms and stuff. I don’t think that helps matters either. Women should be communicating their displeasure even if it hurts the man’s ego. Let him know how to do better.
Ah, I just remembered something else!
Ok. Go on.
Many people’s first introduction to sex is from porn and that ruins things. Porn teaches selfishness and projects unrealistic pictures of what sex with normal people looks like. I mean, men in porn just keep hitting and thrusting for ages, at the same pace and in ridiculous positions and all. Men watch this and think that is what sex is about. Then they come over and succeed in doing nothing but hurting someone’s child.
Let’s talk about your sexual health
How’s that like for you? Do you have a routine?
I wish I could say that I always practice safe sex. But thankfully I’ve escaped so far. I’ve never had any STI or gotten pregnant, or any of that. As per routine, I have none honestly. But I aways try to ensure that the person I’m having sex with is doing with just me. I also try to avoid after-morning pills because they ruin your body especially as you grow older. Just use a condom. Lol. I know I haven’t always taken my own advice sha, but yeah. Use a condom.
Most uneducated opinion on the female body you’ve heard from a man?
Ah. Where do I start from? Men think they can copy and paste what works for one girl on another girl. It never works. I think women need to realise this as well. And then the stupid idea that breasts sag because women have had several multiple sex partners. It's so sad that anyone would think like that. Obviously, sagging boobs has nothing to do with the number of sexual encounters.
What’s a common thing men do during sex that’s totally uncool even though they think it is?
Pushing a woman's head to give you head, that SUCKS. Stop doing that. Either have a conversation beforehand or find a way to ask nicely. Also stop assuming a woman wants to have sex just because she came over, wants to sleep over or is making out with you.
I will tell them
You have a room of 100 men who want to learn the basics of pleasing women. Educate them with 3-5 points
1. Don’t assume anything. Communicate all things
2. Don't be selfish, I know you want to have fun and enjoy it but there is someone else in the equation. Trust me, it's better when you are both enjoying it. So be considerate, do your best to figure out her body.
3. Understand that sex, great sex, starts outside the bedroom. It starts with treating her right, being nice to her, turning her on without actually touching her so that she is already ready to go by the time you are in the room.
If you loved this First Episode, another one drops at 2pm next Friday. Catch it all HERE.
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